Over the last 3-4 weeks, my life, and the lives of my family, have been totally tossed upside-down. I won't bore you all with the details, plus I think Beck laid out the basics pretty well last week. We'll just say that I'm scared right now. It would not be an exaggeration to say that a miracle is the only thing that can save us at this point.
So, over this time, I've felt an overwhelming sense of confusion. I literally feel like there are no answers, and if there are answers, I have no idea how to find them. I don't know what to do next. I don't know what to look into. I don't know where to turn. It's hard to explain, and I know I sound somewhat melodramatic, but I just feel like everything is cloudy and foggy, and I can't see what's in front of me - or around me, for that matter.
I don't know what to do, and this is sapping every bit of energy I have right out of me.
No energy to be strong for my family.
No energy to be patient with my kids.
No energy to do what I feel is required of me as a husband and father.
And no energy to take care of myself.
I haven't weighed myself in over a week, so I have no idea how bad it's gotten. I do know that my belt is tight. Some clothes that fit a month ago don't quite fit now. I look and feel week. And I have allowed myself NO control over what I eat. If it's edible, I've scarfed it.
I don't recall the last time I felt this out of control. I'm guessing around the time my mom died. After she passed, I gained over 40 pounds in about 9 months. I can't let that happen again.
So this morning, I got up 15 minutes early, and I went to my basement. There, I made use of what was available to me, and I ripped through 2 quick and restless circuits of band work (underhand rows, butterflies, and the one where you lift the weight to your chin), push ups, crunches, and knee raises. It was only 15 minutes, but I got myself sweaty, I didn't stop, and I wasn't in bed feeling sorry for myself.
As of right now, I cannot control my situation. I'm trying to find work. I'm trying to pay rent. I'm trying to protect my kids from knowing how bad it really is. But I CAN control what I eat, and I CAN control what I do. I might not like it, but I can make the decisions that I KNOW I need to make.
It's not going to be easy, but it has to be done. I have to take control of my life back.
7.09.2008
Chaos
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4 comments:
Just a suggestion for your job search...
http://www.michiganpress.org/index/28
With the drive for newspapers to diversify and get online you might find some interesting opportunities.
I think about you and Beck and your situation and KNOW what you're going through. When I look back at my similar situation I really don't know how we made it...but we did! And we did it together!
You know, Kev, I don't know what to tell ya, as I'm sure whatever I say would just come off as trite.
But keep your chin up and such. You can get through this.
Kevin, hate reading stuff like this as it sucks. Been thinking about you and Beck and sending good vibes. One day at a time man that's all you can do. Things will work out.
I feel for you guys, I'm sorry that you are going through so much crap right now. I wish you only the best, and the end of your blog says a lot about your character man...keep up that attitude, it'll get you this!
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