This should sound familiar, as I originally blogged it last week. But things on the stress front are finally starting to turn around. For the next little while, at least, my family will be taken care of, which is all that matters.
It's been a bad, bad 10 days. Ten of the worst I've experienced since my mom died. But we're slowly digging out.
So, I proclaim the following, yet again:
I've had enough.
The stress has been KILLING us lately. So many things are a mess right now, I wouldn't know where to begin in explaining it all. I do know that my family is in turmoil, and we're doing all we can to keep our heads above water. It's a bad situation.
Unfortunately, it's nothing we haven't been through several times in our six years of marriage. And while it sucks beyond description, we always seem to make it through.
But we've been letting this control us, and we can't do that. The one thing we can control right now is our health. In all honesty, it seems like everything else in our lives is dependent on someone or something else. But we decide what we eat. We decide how much we eat.
And we've been making awful decisions.
I weighed myself for the first time in a week today. What I saw made me sick to my stomach. Did I jump back over 290? Not quite. But it was about as close I could come, and as close as I ever want to be again.
289.0.
If you're anything like me, you just threw up in your mouth a little.
So now I'm backed against a wall. There are only two options: Get pushed right through that wall, or push back. Getting pushed through that wall will result in a 290, maybe a 300. That's a place I can never go back to.
So, today I push. I'm not going to make any bold declarations. I'm not going to promise to be X pounds by X date. I'm just going to do better. I am going to stop with the late junk runs. I'm going to stop with the "extra" turkey burger. I'm going to stop with the excuses.
I've been in the 280's since late January. Think about that for a second. For the last five months, I haven't lost a single pound. In fact, in December, I was holding in the mid-270's. So, I've actually put anywhere from 8-14 pounds back on, depending on the day.
I lost 94 pounds at my lowest. Hooray for me, right? Yeah, it's a nice accomplishment, and it means exactly nothing right now. I quit on myself, and now I'm headed back in the wrong direction. 94 is nice, but 126 was my goal. Today, I sit back at 77 pounds lost. That means I still have 49 to go.
So here I go...
...again.
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1 comment:
Alright, I'm going to split my comment into two separate pieces as they are going to have radically different tones.
I.
I'm sorry to hear about the hard times and stress you and your family have been going through as of late. Though I don't blog about it, 2008 has seen me going through the ringer, too, on a number of levels.
You can pull through it, Kevin, and you and your family will be all the better for it. I'm certain of this.
II.
Bullshit, Kevin. That's pretty much all you and your weight loss blathering is and has been. Pity party bullshit.
There's always going to be stress and chaos swirling around your life to keep you from your goals. And in this case, it's loosing another fifty pounds.
But, until you decide you want those fifty pounds bad enough to man up, make the right damn choices, and push through the stress, all you're going to keep showing the world you don't have what it takes.
I sincerely hope you pull through all this garbage. I really do. For you, your wife, your family, and - get this - for me, too. You, Rob, and the other old school FAT members are proof positive that big health changes can happen and act, inadvertently, to inspire the newer guys like myself and Jason.
I would love to see another post in a day or two or three talking about how you've made right nutrition choices and are getting some workouts into your schedule. That would blow my mind.
But honestly, I don't expect it at this point. Not one damn bit. I bet all of us other FAT members are just going to wait around for a week and be completely unsurprised with you pop up ten days from now with another "Boo hoo, it's so hard, and I've eaten really poorly. Boo hoo" post.
Prove me wrong, Kevin.
Prove your piss-poor defeatist mentality wrong.
III.
"The truth is that you may not have what it takes, you may not be committed enough, you may not have the discipline, you may not put in enough effort, you might not work hard enough, you do not believe in yourself, you're full of excuses, you get distracted too easy. To wrap it up in one statement: you really don't fucking care enough." - Dave Tate
Do you care enough, Kevin?
I want to believe you still do.
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