First, let me say that I'm ashamed of myself this morning. I let myself down, and I let those who have been rooting for me down, and I'm sorry.
On Saturday I went to run the stairs, but they were being worked on, so it wasn't going to happen. Instead, I went to a soccer field, and I ran 60-yard sprints, did 25 plyometric hops, walked back to the starting point, and repeated. I did eight of those, then ran back to my truck about 1/4-mile away, and up a hill. My legs are STILL sore. It was a great workout.
Then came Sunday.
I woke up, needing to have lost about .7 pounds to stay on pace to hit my 269.8 by Wednesday morning. Instead, after a day where I worked my ass off, and ate 110% clean, I put ON .6 pounds. Not a great start to the day.
About an hour later, I was playing with my daughter (she just turned one, and easily weighs 30 pounds), and I felt my back pop and go into spasms. Same thing I fought off last month, but not until after it had sidelined me for a couple of weeks. So, now I've put ON weight, and I can barely move, so working out is not an option.
So, I go through the day eating clean - again. Nothing but healthy foods all day long. So, I weigh myself in the evening to see how things are looking. I can usually tell how the next day's weigh-in will look based on my evening weigh-in, as my body follows pretty predictable trends.
I was 281.6.
And this was HOURS after I had eaten anything. I mildly freaked out, and waited for a little while. I went back in about 2 hours later, expecting to see a MUCH lower number (again, my body trends certain ways, and it's always a great indicator of where I'm heading), and I was still high - 279.0.
I lost it. I mean, I just lost it. My weight was awful, my back went out again, I ate clean and just packed on weight all day - and I'm not handling the whole missing my mom thing too well this week. It was like The Perfect Storm.
So, if my body was going to piss me off and screw with me, I was going to show it what happened when it did. So, I ate like I hadn't eaten in days. Cereal, PB sandwich, candy, chicken - if it was in my reach, I took it out.
I went to bed ashamed and disappointed in myself, and that's how I woke up. Well, ashamed and sick. But that's what I get.
I am so sorry to everybody counting on me to get to 269.8 this week. I never should have let this happen. I knew what I was doing, and I chose to screw myself over by adding to the problems instead of fighting through them. I'm better than that. Seriously, I owe you all an apology.
So, I'm not even weighing myself today. I can't handle what I'm sure to see. Instead, I'm going on a controlled fast. Nothing but fruits, veggies and water all day. My plan is to stay under 700 calories so my body can work all of that crap out of its system.
My back is still killing me, too. I was tossing and turning all night from the pain, and standing straight up is tough. But I lost 11 pounds in September only working out 4-5 times all month because of this exact problem. So, I can do it, again. I'd prefer to go run and do some push ups, but it'll have to wait.
I will hit 269.8, hopefully this week. I'll fight through this, because I have to. I can be nine pounds from my goal if I just focus and do what I need to do.
And for an early Christmas gift, Beck and I will be going out to look for a simple dumbbell bench and some dumbbells. We have room for a small set in our room. Then, I can work like I want to and starting adding some meat to this frame.
But, one step at a time. I need to get this crap out of my system and get my sorry butt to 269.8.
10.08.2007
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9 comments:
Kevin,
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. It's certainly not my intent.
In my opinion, you're not using the controlled fasting in the right way. It shouldn't be used for punishing yourself...for not meeting a goal or for not eating right the day before. I think this is somewhat turning into a crash diet mechanism. Binge. Fast. Binge. Fast. I know you have other days where you eat 100% clean. I'm not discounting those in any way. I'm just saying that I think that the controlled fast is to break it up a little when you're doing it right 100% of the time.
Please forgive me if I've got it all wrong.
- k
No, I'm just doing it because I ate too many calories the day before. If I'm supposed to be eating 1,800 per day, and I take in 3,000 one day, I just try to limit my calories so the 2-day average evens out.
It's not a binge by any means. Just trying to make up for previous mistakes.
If I were actually fasting 100% - no calories at all - I'd be concerned. But I'll snack on apples and carrots, etc all day long, so I'll be taking on food.
I appreciate the concern, but I think I'm OK.
Now, if I start throwing up my apples after I eat them we may have a problem. :-)
Not binge, I meant crash.
To clarify, I DID binge, but I'm not crash dieting.
I don't even have a good word to make this feel better. As you read this morning - been there, done that.
It's unexplainable. You and I seem to mirror each other on this all of the time - it's as if we're big fat twins on both sides of the Mississippi.
I came close to losing it yesterday too - when I saw that monster number pop up on the scale for no apparent reason, the FIRST thing I thought of was saying "F- it" and diving face first into the fridge.
After all this time, it still boggles the mind. But, at least we can look back through these blogs that we've kept since November and realize that this isn't the first time this has happened - and the reality is it probably won't be the last. Sucks, man.
I agree with what Kristen said.
I also think you should stop weighing yourself so much. What can it hurt, right? Well, if you hadn't done the night weigh-in, you wouldn't have lost it and binged.
There's no reason to weigh yourself more than once every day, first thing before you eat anything. Anything else is just going to drive you nuts. You aren't gaining or losing any fat between those weigh-ins, right?
So just stop it already!
Rob, I've got to call you out on something. You guys aren't the "fat twins" on either side of the Mississippi. ;) Neither one of you can be classified as fat anymore. Chubby? MAYBE. Even that's becoming a stretch. :)
Kevin, I'm just as much to blame for your indiscretion last night. I was such an enabler, and for that I apologize. You might not hit your goal by Wednesday (although it's not entirely out of the question), but you've been working your ass off and that counts for something. I hope it counts for something in your own mind, because anything else just won't matter. You're doing great...you're a true inspiration. Keep up the hard work. It'll pay off.
You know what counts for something??? look at the picture on the side of your blog. That counts for a shit load of something. I was laying in bed last night and my wife says. Dang Kevin and Becky are sure looking great. (she checks the sites every once and a while). I was laying there thinking "Kevin and Becky??? does she mean Carl and Becky (another couple we know), then it hit me ohhhh FAT Kevin and Becky)". You guys both are looking stellar. Don't get down on yourself get up and keep beating the fat out. It sucks that your weight fluxed up but really is that any reason to get pissed off and say F it and chow? All that does is bury what you need to take care of and prolong the time its gonna take to hit your goals. Don't get so down on yourself, look were you came from. I guess what I am trying to say is use your success to your advantage. I look at you and think that punk has nothing to complain about.. ;) I would gladly trade you my moobs for your solid looking chest and my small arms for your guns. No get back to it and hit your goal. No looking back no wallowing in self pity, just do it!! I bet your last workout made your muscles hold onto some water to help repair. It happens all the time. Its always easier to get back to your old low (given it hasnt been months). Its loosing the new pounds that is hard. believe me I know this.
I have to say, for what it's worth, that I also agree with Kristen. You may not be throwing up, but it is still a form of purging. Eating only veggies & fruits isn't balanced, and, as I've said before, the goal here is to learn to eat in a balanced way, not to compensate for an indiscretion by going to the other extreme.
Perhaps you guys should purge your house of junk so that if you do feel froggish, all you can eat is good stuff.
Last, there is obviously an emotional relationship that you have with food that may require some intervention in addition to a nutrition and exercise regimen.
That having been said, you've come a long way baby! Regardless of your slip up, as Rip pointed out, you have a shitload of accomplishments to be proud of.
I know you're pissed at yourself Kevin, but there's no need to wallow in it. You did it. It's over. You admitted it. Now move on. Get back to what you know you can do.
I know your reason for wanting to hit your goal on the tenth, Kevin, and believe it or not, I understand. I lost my father almost ten years ago in a boating accident, and I can feel your pain if you don't make it. All you can do is the right thing, though. Your mom would understand your frustration, and the fact that you slipped up a little, because moms are like that. But she wouldn't want to see you dog yourself like that. Keep that in mind.
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