Now I'm Freeeeeee......Free-Falling!

My last six weigh-ins:
285.8
286.4
285.0
285.2
284.6
283.2

5-Day: 284.88

Calories Consumed Last Five Days:
776
2,157
1,707
1,530
1,811

A weight in the 283's? Dang. What a difference a few hundred calories makes, huh? I've been a little hungry, so I may try to stay closer to 2,000 than I've been, but I'm not going a single calorie over from here on out.

I am now under 25 pounds to my original goal. Saying I'm 25 away sounds nice, but being under 20 will make this seem much more real and attainable. I'm also unofficially at 80 pounds lost today. In November of 2005 I had an appointment for sleep apnea. I weighed 365 that day. For the sake of this blog, we'll say I'm at 75 since January of 2006, and 62 since Thanksgiving of 2006. Still, not awful numbers.

In back news, went to the pool with Beck and the girls yesterday, and it felt GREAT while I was floating around and playing in there. And as soon as I got out, it was killing me. I couldn't even carry Gracie home. Do I try to go actually swim today? I don't know. I feel like I need to be doing something, even though I'm losing weight. I don't want to be skinny, I want to be fit. So I need to start exercising soon.

Lastly, I need to ask all of the Coalition a question, but I don't want to do it here. Not to sound to paranoid, but I don't want anybody stealing my idea. I could do it without your permission, but I'd prefer to ask you all and get your approval. Any thoughts on how I could privately ask you all the same question?

My 301st Post

Weigh in: 284.6 (NEW LOW)
5 Day: 285.4 (NEW LOW)
Calories Consumed Yesterday: 1,530

My back is still hurting, but I'm thinking of fighting through it and trying to toss the football or something this afternoon. The pain is like a "stiff" pain. Like I've been sitting too long. So my theory is that if I go move around, it will loosen up.

No idea.

This is the fourth day my average has dropped, reaching a new low of 285.4. And I saw the first 284.x on my scale this morning, which is a damn good feeling.

No get together yesterday, so no worries about my food. Stayed well under 2,000 again, as is my plan from here on out, I think. I was going to head back up to 2,400 on Monday, but I think I'll aim for 2,000 and see what happens.

Not much to say. Another day, another calorie burned.

Pain in the...

Back.

I've got a pretty good one on the right side, just above my waist. Getting up form sitting is tough, and laying in one position ain't too grand, either.

So, I'm kind of stuck. I told Beck yesterday, I am DYING to go workout. I want to throw the football. I want to do some push ups. I want to sweat and move. It figures that as soon as I get fired back up about all of this, something ELSE pops into my path to limit what I can do.

Should I have a Dr. look at it? Yeah, probably. But we no longer have insurance, so that ain't gonna happen. Not for a while.

Just another hurdle that I have to find a way to leap over, I guess. Until I figure that out, I'll watch my eating like a hawk, and I'll make do with what I have.

EDIT:

Weigh In: 285.2
5-Day Average: 285.65
Calories Consumed 9/2: 1,707

When Did I Say I Quit?

For those of you (and there have been a few) thinking I quit because I posted a nice picture of myself, or because I'm not taking part in the September challenge:

Today's Weigh-In: 285.0, a new low
Calories consumed past two days: 776, 2,196
Perfect eating? Yes.

And here's a blurb from my post less than 48 hours ago:

I think I'm going to skip the September challenge, too. I need to do things for me right now. I haven't focused on my needs in this transformation over the last several weeks. I need to make sure I'm OK before I get back into the team thing. No offense to anybody, at all.

This is a battle with myself. It's not a war against fat. I'm the one who put it there. It's my fault. Wars aren't fought against bullets, but against the people shooting them at you. I've been shooting myself for a long time. I am not beating fat. I'm beating an unhealthy lifestyle, bad choices, lack of focus, scarce determination, and unimpressive drive. Those things are all 100% on me.

And now it's time for me to deal with it.

Where people get that I'm quitting from that, I have no clue. I've been through hell at times in this transformation, and I haven't quit once. I don't plan on it. Have I slowed down? Sure. Lost focus? At times. Considered not blogging? Oh, yeah. But I never once said I was done trying to lose weight. Not once.

Just because we all don't have the same passion or drive at all times doesn't mean we're quitters. In fact, those of us with struggles who keep getting back up and pushing forward might be the most inspirational of all.

If it's just concern, I appreciate it. But I feel I should get the same benefit of the doubt that everybody else gets. Especially after my last big post was a battle cry for myself. I vented, then got associated with the term "quit," and that's not acceptable. The truth is, this is a big reason why I'm still considering hanging up the blogging shoes. It seems that if I'm honest and discuss my personal struggles, people think I may quit. If I say I'm doing well, I get "good job, now don't quit!" If I were a quitter, I wouldn't be posting about my fights and struggles. I would have stopped the weight loss train months ago.

But people read and hear what they want to read and hear, it seems. It doesn't seem 100% fair. I'm sure I'm coming across like a whiner, but it's my blog, and this is where I vent. So, I'm venting.

Let me wrap this up by making it simple for everybody with any concern over my ability to move forward.

I don't quit.

I won't quit until I hit 260.

And even then, I won't really quit.

Will I trip up? I'm sure I will. Will I put weight back on? I hope not, but I may. Will I blog about having a tough time? Probably. Will any of those things give anybody a reason to think I'm a quitter?

No.

And that should be where this story ends.

Yesterday

I have to say it was a good day.

Controlled Fast: Successful - 778 calories consumed
Water: Close - 60 oz.
Exercise: Not so good, though I did keep active around the house

Today is supposed to be our football day, but Beck and Gracie were both up sick all night, so I don't think it'll happen. Also means I'm on caretaker duty, so my time will be limited, too. I'll do the best with what I have, and I'll stay at 2,000 calories.

Later, all.

Yes.

That's my answer.

What's the question?

"Do I want more?"

Here's the thing: I never wanted to be a Men's Health model. Never wanted to be "ripped" and "cut." Never wanted to be a health nut, eating only organic herbs and veggies I'd never heard of. My only goal in this whole thing was to be better, stronger and faster then when I started in November.

I am. No doubt about it.

And that's my problem.

That photo of me two posts down? I, in my own mind, look GREAT. It's the best picture I've ever taken, actually. If that is how other people see me, than I am a very happy man. I look strong. I look like somebody who deserves respect. I could stay looking like that for the rest of my life, and I'd be thrilled.

But I'm making the public decision today to go for more. I look good in that picture, but I could look better. I look strong in that picture, but I could look stronger. The person in that picture is worthy of respect, but I could look like somebody who demands it.

Better, Stronger, Faster. It's a great motto, right? But why not go for My Best, My Strongest, My Fastest? I think it's time I did.

I still have a LOT of obstacles in my way.

My foot won't allow me to do much in the way of high-impact activities. Excessive running is out. Long walks are possible, but I may have to keep them to five miles or under. I still have no bike. Not one that works, anyway. It's like riding with the rear brake on, and the handlebars sway with every bump. I have no friends, so football or basketball is out. No cash for a gym membership, boxing lessons, personal trainer, buy-in for a hoops/football league...the list goes on.

I know how I work, and it would benefit me GREATLY to incorporate something I love into my workouts. As much of a downfall as it is, I get bored easily. I need to keep my interest level up if I'm going to push forward.

So, that leaves the pool. Though I will try to modify my football conditioning workout (so it's a bit easier on my foot) and get back to that this week.

I'm not big into swimming, though I enjoy it. I can do it a few days a week for my cardio routine. I want to play football. I have a hunger for it. I know if I could get out there a few days a week and play some 5-on-5 touch football, then swim the other days, I'd see some changes. But I can't focus on what I "could" do, I have to focus on what I "can" do.

As for my eating, it's sometimes the most simple things that trip you up. I need to get back to counting calories and drinking water. I haven't done either in weeks. I'm aiming for 2,000 calories per day for the next seven days, along with 80 ounces of water - 10 8-oz. glasses a day. I take out two with dinner, so that leaves eight. At the end of seven days, I'll go back up to my RMR level of 2,400 calories. But I want to aim low for a while.

Will I become that health food guy? Nope. It's just not me. But gone are the strings of days where I eat crap for 5 out of 10 meals. No more "award system" junk food. No more "I deserve this, 'cause I've been doing really well." I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I won't eat a Snicker's in the next 10 days. I may very well. But my goal is to make the crap become the exception, not the rule. And not just an "exception." That leaves the door open for 19 of 40 foods I eat to be bad. No, I'm talking about making these foods scarce. Rare. Almost forgotten. I'm back to whole wheats, lean meats, fruits, veggies - the basics. I'm going back to what got me down almost 80 pounds.

Today, I'm taking part in a modified fast. No breakfast or lunch, and a reasonable dinner. That's it. And water, of course. I want to do this once a week. Staying under 1,000 calories every seven days. Why? No idea. Just to see if I can, I guess. I did it last week, and I was great up until 11pm. We were up late working, and I stared craving a PB sandwich. So I ate one. With a big glass of milk. And extra PB. So, I went from around 750 calories to about 1,100 in 10 minutes. Gotta do better than that.

I think I'm going to skip the September challenge, too. I need to do things for me right now. I haven't focused on my needs in this transformation over the last several weeks. I need to make sure I'm OK before I get back into the team thing. No offense to anybody, at all.

This is a battle with myself. It's not a war against fat. I'm the one who put it there. It's my fault. Wars aren't fought against bullets, but against the people shooting them at you. I've been shooting myself for a long time. I am not beating fat. I'm beating an unhealthy lifestyle, bad choices, lack of focus, scarce determination, and unimpressive drive. Those things are all 100% on me.

And now it's time for me to deal with it.

At a Crossroads

Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost

And here I am, at a crossroads. I haven't worked out or eaten great during this past week, thanks very much to deadlines, late nights, early mornings, and the stress of the publishing industry.

My goal was to maintain my 287-ish range, and I actually had a new low yesterday of 285.8, followed by a 286.6 today. Of that, I am proud.

But I'm not proud of the excuses I've made, of the choices I've allowed myself to make, or of the lack of progress I've achieved. My hope is that, now that we've gone to print, my routine can get back to normal. My back is still having issues - getting Graice out of the truck is painful at times. We're going to try to have our football get-together this Saturday, and I hope that will light a fire.

I don't even know what the future of this blog may be. I haven't thought twice about it this week, but I haven't thought about much more than our deadlines. Do I want to keep blogging? I don't know.

The money stress is bad, too. I can't focus on anything much outside of where rent will come from, or how we'll feed the kids next week. I know we always seem to find a way, but the fight to survive is wearing me down. Is it too much to ask for a little extra each month? Shoot, is it even too much to ask for us to break even? It gets old.

I love who I am now, and what I look like, but only compared to where I was this time last year. I want more. I want 260. I want a flat stomach. I want a lack of shame, and a feeling of pride. I want it all.

But I find myself questioning my abilities. Things keep coming at me, and though I've managed to stay standing this long, even mighty Oak trees can succumb to tornadoes. Not that I'm mighty. It's just a poor comparison.

I'm rambling, I guess. And for that, I apologize.

In short: Not sure what's next for me, right now. I feel like my feet are scrambling around below me like the guy from Riverdance. Except he controls his legs, and I feel like mine are acting on their own. I need to get my footing. I need to see my goals, and figure out how I can get to them in my current situation. My life isn't ideal right now. I'd change a LOT of things. But I guess everybody would, right? It's about making the best with what you have, and finding success with the tools you possess.

So, I'm at a crossroads.

Two roads diverged in a wood. One takes me in a circle - the status quo. The other takes me where I want to go. But that road is filled with bumps, holes, and dangerous terrain. That's the one less traveled, at least by me.

It's probably the one I need to head down.

It might make all the difference.

12 Months Ago, I Never Could Have Pulled This Off

It's for my "From the Editor" page in the paper. I like it. I don't like many pics of myself.

Taking Some Time

With all of the stress - Beck's job, my first deadlines with the paper, physical issues - I just don't have the time or energy to focus on the blog or the contest right now. I need to buckle down, get my work done, make sure my family is OK, make sure I'm healthy, etc.

I'm glad Beck is handling the job situation so well, because I'm not dealing with it too nicely. I just don't have it in me right now.

I'll be back in a few days when everything settles down a little. I'm not quitting, just taking a break.

Billy has NOTHING on me

Billy's all "Look at my definition 'down there!' I'm so buff and cool!" Man, I've got a better, more visible line than Billy has, and I've had it for YEARS! See for yourself!


Truth is, I'm sick today, I'm stressed about our situation and the fact that it's deadline week with the paper, and I thought this might be worth a laugh to some of us.

I apologize for the close up of my general "area." That was highly inappropriate.

Not Cool

I understand as well as anybody that not every day can be a major victory. But I also know that when somebody is struggling, they need a string of positives to help get them out of a rut. And I know that getting kicked while down makes it tough to get up and keep moving.

Well, I've been working my tail off with clean eating and staying active with my back and stomach issues. I stayed at 2,046 calories yesterday, plus we went shopping and I walked a lot around the grocery store. Not a great workout by any means, but just trying to keep moving with my current limitations.

I had steady drops the last four days, going from 290 and change to a 268.8 yesterday. I fully expected, after eating great yesterday, that I would at LEAST hold in the 268's, maybe even drop to a new low.

So, I was dismayed when I woke up to see a 287.4 on the scale.

I know that I can't make strides every day, and my last few days have seen me drop about 2.5 pounds off after last week's screw up. But I wanted to see another good day. I wanted a good weigh-in for the challenge.

I just feel so freaking limited right now. My back feels better today, but this stomach thing I have going on is really getting to me. And the paper goes to print this week, so every second seems to be a work second. Free time will be less-than-scarce for the next six days.

It's frustrating.

/vent

Back in the Driver's Seat

Well, it's been a long road back from my most recent food-related screw-up. I spent several days in the 290's, many more in the 289's, and a few in the 288's. After dropping back into the 287's for a day, I was back up to 288+ for the last two.

But today I am back at 286.8, just .4 pounds off of my lowest weight in my transformation. That's the good news.

The bad news is that my back is still hurting, and I've had an insane stomach ache for three days, now. There isn't much I can do without one or the other hurting. Walking requires standing upright, which hurts. Swimming requires arm and back movement, which hurts. Running. Jumping. Standing. Laying. All hurt.

So, I decided I'd take a few days off of working out, this time by my own free will, not out of laziness or lack of focus. My goal these next couple of days is to stay at 2,000 calories or less, and pack in the fiber, as I have a feeling my stomach ache is fiber-related.

I'm not worried about my focus or my determination at all right now. It's unfortunate that I had this back injury right when I was getting fired up for the last few days of the month, but the journey doesn't end with August. Yes, I'm way off track with my goals, now. But that doesn't mean I'm done going after them.

This time, I'm driving.

As for my goal of hitting 279.8 by 9/1, I don't see it happening at this point. I'll still try for it, and maybe my back will be great tomorrow and I can get back into the swing of things. The goal is to get as close to 279.8 as I can. If that means I hit the number, great. If it means I hit a new low, great. If it means I'm putting in 100% effort, but I stay at 286? Well, at least I know I'm doing everything I can.

Let's see what happens, shall we?

This isn't the important post

The one below this one is the meat for the day, but I did want to bring something up.

This picture:


Was supposed to be funny. I was going to post it with the title "In case you were wondering." But I almost didn't post it at all, because I think I look atrocious in it. Like, really, really, fat. Just plain nasty. In all truth, I'm a little ashamed to be posting it here. I just think it's an embarrassing picture.

But my question is why? Is it inner fat? Years of thinking I look horrible in pictures keeping me from seeing a decent one? Is it my recent struggles coming through? Weeks of failure making me feel as though I'm just as fat as ever?

I don't know what it is, but I don't like it.

Awesome looks NOTHING like that.

So, here's a story for you.

First, let me tell you that I sneezed on Saturday. When I did, I felt a twinge in my back. It hurt at first, but it went away. That was that, I guess.

I'm all pumped, been working out, eating right, losing weight, getting back to my pre-disaster weight, etc, right? So, Beck and I head to the park to do my conditioning workout. We get over there, I walk her through the routine, and we start.

I get about 3/4 through the routine, and I'm feeling GREAT. I knew for a fact that I'd be able to get through three circuits. I felt faster and stronger than I did two days before. It was great. Then I start my tuck jumps. On my third jump, something in my back pops. I mean, it POPPED. I landed, and dropped to my back in the same motion.

I spent much of the rest of the day motionless in my bed with hot/cold compresses and ibuprofen. Now, two days later, I'm still hurting, though not as badly as I was.

I still plan on heading to the pool today and doing some light work - just enough to get my heart pumping. And I want very badly to head back to the park and run through my circuits tomorrow. If I was actually feeling improvement between workouts like that, than I need to stick with it. Maybe I'll just skip the tuck jumps for the day.

As for eating, I've been doing OK. Yesterday's schedule was not conducive to solid eating, as we were running all over the place. The worst I had was some all-natural chips from Wild Oats. We had a couple of small banana nut muffins (made with wheat flour), a turkey breast sandwich on wheat bread, a power bar, etc. I think the chips were worse than I allowed myself to believe at the time. They were about 11 calories per chip, which made it easy to have "just one more."

But I realize that this is a constant struggle. There will always be temptations, roadblocks, schedule issues, limited food choices...and even back pain.

I think I'm at a point in this transformation where I need to find creative ways around those things. I've lost 70+ pounds by doing really well for 80% of the time, not great 12% of the time, and really bad the other 8% of the time. But I think I've gone as far as I can with that breakdown of effort.

This is just another hill to climb.

I'm Back

287.6

Not a great weigh-in, but I've fought my way back to where I was before my last screw up. Next stop: 279.8

Boo Yah.

It Dropped

This is the other shoe. We've been waiting for it to drop since Beck found about her work situation. Well, I don't think either of us want to go into too much detail right now, but we'll just say that this shoe dropped a few minutes ago.

We just can't win. We can't catch up, much less get ahead.

This has to stop.

Random Toughts

Don't really feel like investing a lot of time in the blog today, so I'll just type out some quick hits.

> Yesterday might have been my best workout since I started this thing. It was intense. I'm hurting in places I haven't hurt in years.

> I'm proud of myself today. I wanted to quit several times yesterday, but I didn't let it happen. I kept pushing. I finished what I set out to do.

> It's only been three days of being clean and active, but my weight is up .4 from yesterday, and only down .8 since Monday. I expect more than that.

> Pool today, back to my plyo/football workout tomorrow.

> A great thought from Jamie Foxx in the current issue of Men's Health: Get up every morning and challenge yourself.

> My new 'motto': BFS. Bigger, Faster, Stronger.

More later...

But this should sum up how I feel this morning...

Not meant to be?

So, first I got to my crappy bike, and realized the front tire was flat. So, I pumped it up. Then I realized that the tube was out of the rim, so I had to deflate the tire and start from scratch.

Not a good start.

So I finally hit the road, and I ride the 1.2 miles to the football field, where I see that an actual football team is practicing.

Not sure what to do, I think to myself how glad I am that I at least got a 2.5 mile bike ride in.

Then I realize that there's a park another 1/2 mile up the trail, so I head there.

It's empty and open.

The workout begins.

I gotta say, I made it through the first half of my first circuit, and I knew I'd be able to double the original two circuits I had laid out as my goal. I was breathing hard, and I was pushing myself, but it was the "hurt so good" kind of pain that I was feeling.

So I kept going.

About 1/2-way through my second circuit, it hit me. I was wasted. I had no gas left in the tank. All I wanted to do was go hit the picnic table, chug some water, and head home.

So I did my tuck jumps.

And I sprinted 30 yards.

And I did my last set of push ups.

Now, to be honest, my last set of push ups was tough. I got to six, and the voice in my head said "Annnnnnnd we're done." But the voice was wrong. I had four more to go. And they were the ugliest, slowest push ups ever performed. But I did them.

The 1.7 miles home was tough. My legs had nothing left. Finally, I got home, climbed my three flights of stairs, showered, and guzzled water.

Good news/bad news:

Good - I did it.
Bad - My surgery foot is killing me.

No way can I do this again tomorrow as I had planned. Instead, I'll hit the pool, and I'll try this again on Saturday. Maybe Beck can join me.

Here's how the workout actually went, with my original plan in parenthesis:

Sprint - 10 yards
Push ups - 10 reps
Lateral hurdle - 20 reps (10 reps)
Sprint - 20 yards
Body Weight Squats - 20 reps, then 15 (15 reps)
Push ups - 10 reps
Tuck jumps - 10 reps
Sprint - 30 yards
Push ups - 10 reps

This has been a very scattered post, and I apologize for that. But I hope you get the idea.

Quickie

So, on a day that is supposed to be a new beginning, there are a handful of things that would be really bad. One of those things? Being sick all night.

Yes, I was up most of the night with major stomach issues. I have one of those sick headaches, and my gut is still in knots, with a side order of rumbles.

No doubt in my mind, Old Kevin would call in sick for his first workout today.

New Kevin will not.

As long as I can walk, I'll get to that park to do my workout.

On another note, since my oldest was born, both of my kids have been under direct parental leadership at all times. Much of the time, Beck and I both worked from home, so we were both here. But at least one of us has always been here with the kids.

Well, that changed today, as Beck just left with the girls to drop them off at their babysitter. They will be out of the house twice per week, allowing me to work uninterrupted each of those days. I love them to death, but for me to get any real writing done for the paper, they'd have to be asleep or gone. So, we went with gone.

I'm sick about it. I've never liked the idea of day care, though I know how truly necessary it is. I just feel like I'm shipping them off because work is more important than they are, or because I just don't want them around while I get stuff done. I know neither of those things are true, but it's part of the separation anxiety I'm going through this morning.

I know they just think they're going to play with the kids. And Riley could not have been happier this morning. But I feel like I'm letting them down in some way. I'm glad they don't know the difference right now.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that off of my chest. If there's any interest, I'll be back later to blog about my new workout, how much pain I'm in, what I had to add/remove/change, etc.