At a Crossroads

Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost

And here I am, at a crossroads. I haven't worked out or eaten great during this past week, thanks very much to deadlines, late nights, early mornings, and the stress of the publishing industry.

My goal was to maintain my 287-ish range, and I actually had a new low yesterday of 285.8, followed by a 286.6 today. Of that, I am proud.

But I'm not proud of the excuses I've made, of the choices I've allowed myself to make, or of the lack of progress I've achieved. My hope is that, now that we've gone to print, my routine can get back to normal. My back is still having issues - getting Graice out of the truck is painful at times. We're going to try to have our football get-together this Saturday, and I hope that will light a fire.

I don't even know what the future of this blog may be. I haven't thought twice about it this week, but I haven't thought about much more than our deadlines. Do I want to keep blogging? I don't know.

The money stress is bad, too. I can't focus on anything much outside of where rent will come from, or how we'll feed the kids next week. I know we always seem to find a way, but the fight to survive is wearing me down. Is it too much to ask for a little extra each month? Shoot, is it even too much to ask for us to break even? It gets old.

I love who I am now, and what I look like, but only compared to where I was this time last year. I want more. I want 260. I want a flat stomach. I want a lack of shame, and a feeling of pride. I want it all.

But I find myself questioning my abilities. Things keep coming at me, and though I've managed to stay standing this long, even mighty Oak trees can succumb to tornadoes. Not that I'm mighty. It's just a poor comparison.

I'm rambling, I guess. And for that, I apologize.

In short: Not sure what's next for me, right now. I feel like my feet are scrambling around below me like the guy from Riverdance. Except he controls his legs, and I feel like mine are acting on their own. I need to get my footing. I need to see my goals, and figure out how I can get to them in my current situation. My life isn't ideal right now. I'd change a LOT of things. But I guess everybody would, right? It's about making the best with what you have, and finding success with the tools you possess.

So, I'm at a crossroads.

Two roads diverged in a wood. One takes me in a circle - the status quo. The other takes me where I want to go. But that road is filled with bumps, holes, and dangerous terrain. That's the one less traveled, at least by me.

It's probably the one I need to head down.

It might make all the difference.