Quickies...

Weighed in several times today out of boredom/obsession:

304.6, 304, 303, 302, 300.8, 301.8

I went for a long walk, and haven't eaten much out of nervousness about a potential job. That said, I'll be eating a nice, big, free Italian dinner tonight. So, that should make up for it, I'd say.

More on Monday.

Not at 100%

Weigh-in: 303.4
5-Day: 304.56

I've been feeling sick for about 36 hours or so, now. It's part cold, part flu, and it's teaming up with my shoulder to keep me pretty much activity-less. Obviously, lack of activity is uncool, especially when you're trying to lose weight.

I'm shaky as I type this, so I don't anticipate too awful much changing today, though I will try to clean the house again today. With two kids, even cleaning every 48 hours makes for a good workout. Toys everywhere, dishes, garbage - you name it.

Hopefully I'll feel better as the day goes along, and I can get out and walk or something tonight. Every little bit helps at ths point.

I've abandoned my hopes of hitting 299.9 by Sunday. Had I been in the 302's today, I might have thought it possible. But after going back up .4 from pounds yesterday, I don't see it happeneing. Still, I'm looking at an average weight of 304.56 sqaure in its face right now, and that is the lightest I've been since the winter of 2002. I have no complaints about that.

In the last 10 days, I've taken 2.8 pounds off of my average. My weigh-ins went from 308.6 11 days ago, to 303.4 today. That's 5.2 pounds in just over a week. I'm willing to bet that, had I not splurged so much over my anniversary weekend, I'd be flirting with that 299 today. Oh well, I'll get there soon enough.

Do You Know What Area Code I Live In?

Well, allow me to tell you...


Oddly, that is also the number that appeared on my scale - twice - this morning. I have no explanation of how that number got there, but I'm sure not upset about it.

Truth is, while I stayed under my 2400 for the day yesterday, I wasn't as active as I planned. I got sick after dinner, and my shoulder was killing me again. So the only activity I had yesterday was cleaning my apartment. Now, I did a lot of cleaning, and I was moving at a pretty good clip for 30-40 minutes...

But 304.8 to 303? I wasn't moving that much.

Still, it gives me hope that I might actually hit one 299.9 weigh-in over the next three days. It's not likely, but I'm gonna try to make it happen. I still don't feel good this morning, so my food intake shouldn't be a problem today. It might be tough to get to my 2400, actually.

Good things are happening for me, weight-wise. Now I just need to stay focused, work hard, and keep the train rolling.

Guys, I should have done this weeks ago. It feels good not to be the only person not losing weight, anymore!

EDIT: I used the potty (I have a 2-year-old), and weighed again. 302.4!

Flashback

The following is an excerpt from my first post here. I was reading old posts, and was amazed at how much has changed for me Thought people might enjoy taking a look.

I am 30 years old. I stand 6-8. I have a wonderful wife, and two gorgeous daughters. I am working as a sportswriter - my life's dream. I live in a great apartment - complete with vaulted ceilings and a fireplace! Honestly, I have a pretty decent life.

Now.

The truth is, it wasn't that way as recently as three months ago. Actually, pretty much my last five or six years have been borderline hell. My motto for most of that time? "It could always be worse." Unfortunately, whenever I said that to myself, things actually got worse. I won't go into graphic detail, but I will give you the Cliffs Notes version.

Over the course of four years, I lost three jobs, lost my grandmother, lost one of my best friends from high school, and watched my mom slowly die. My family spent time on welfare. We had catastrophic auto issues - $2,500 worth of repairs at a time. We were nearly evicted - twice. I helped start a magazine, gave up tome with my family, as well as turned down jobs that would help me care for them, and I ended up being forced out of my own creation.

Those four years could have been devastating for me, but luckily I had something to comfort me.

Food.

I never really knew it before all of this, but I am an emotional eater. Something bad happens? A box of Little Debbie's should do the trick. Have a good day? I'm gonna celebrate! Break out a box of Little Debbie's! I'd stop at McDonald's, and instead of having A burger and some fries, I'd have FOUR burgers and fries. Maybe toss a milkshake on, just for good measure. I'd order Chinese - a family-size meal - and clean the entire thing out in one sitting.

And the more I ate, the less energy I had. In 2001, I was playing basketball three times each week, lifting weights three times each week, and going for a quick one-mile run at least once each week. It's gotten so bad, that even remembering those times gets me winded.

In all seriousness, I lose my breath from tying my shoes. Shoot, I lose my breath from breathing. We live on the third floor, and after climbing them to come home, I'm so out of breath that you'd think I just ran a quick 5K. I chase my daughter around for 10 minutes, and I need a break. It's bad.

I'm scared to death for me and for my family. I'm 30 years old, and I'm an easy 100 pounds overweight. I have severe sleep apnea. I wake up choking two or three times each night. I get migraines weekly. I'm always tired. The way I'm going right now, my kids will be fatherless in ten years. My wife will be looking for a replacement. I don't want that to happen.

I'm AMAZED as I read through that. Especially that part in bold. That was all true. I didn't even remember that I used to get winded from bending over to tie my shoes. I'm ashamed of myself for ever getting that bad.

Now I spar for 30-40 minutes at a time. Then, I tickled my daughter, and I was sweating.

Now I sprint 100 yards, and I need to catch my breath. Then, I came up my front steps, and needed to lay down.

Still a long way to go, but looking back is a good thing to do now and then.

We Have a Visual...

Today's Weigh-In: 304.8
5-Day: 305.45

For the first time in years, I really believe I'm going to weigh less than 300 pounds, and soon. The 299 is in sight. It's sitting there on the horizon, and I'm slowly closing on it's position. Stupid thing has NO clue what's about to happen to it, either. Poor sap.

As you can see, I got my first sub-305 number on the scale this morning. And my average dropped to under 305.5. I weighed 308.6 nine days ago. That's almost four pounds in less than 10 days. Keeping in mind a less-than-perfect weekend of eating, and weather/health/time issues that have kept me from being as active as I'd like to be. Four pounds is pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. And I do.

I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things, no pun intended, with my sparring and push ups as soon as tonight. My shoulder feels good today, and it felt about 90% yesterday. And no sign of severe storms for the first day this week, so we'll try to get a 2-3 mile walk in, too.

I don't think it's too realistic, but I'm aiming to see ONE 299.9 on the scale by Sunday morning. Just one. It can shoot right back up to 302 the next day, but I want that 299 to know I'm coming for it. We'll worry about "taking the hill" by getting the average under 299 next week. I just want the 299 to be afraid. I want it to be very afraid.

And still, as amazing as it will be to win this battle, conquer the 300's, and pop 299 square in the jaw, I know it's a war. Still in my path is a 290, a 280, and a 270. Then, I go after 260. Still a long way to go, but I'm moving forward, slow and steady.

Steady As She Goes

Weighed in at 305.6 again today, which I'll take. Not a lot to say, so I thought I'd post some random pictures of me from 5 years ago.

Me at 270-ish

I think when I get to 290, I'm going to have a very similar build to the one I had when I was 270 before. I'm stronger now, my arms and chest are bigger - more muscle, in general. I feel like I look pretty similar to these pictures right now. That means my new 260 is gonna be hawt and sexy, baby. Maybe.

Another quickie here: From 4-14 to 5-11, I lost - wait for it - .06 pounds. Yes. POINT-ZERO-SIX POUNDS in one month. Six Hundredths of a Pound. That sucks. But, my measurements were crazy. I lost .5" in my neck, .7" in my chest, .5" in my waist, and a full inch in my thigh. Even though I didn't lose any weight, April was one of my most active months - walks, sprints, sparring, push ups, etc.

Yet more proof that you can't judge change based only on a scale's reading.

Keeping in mind I was also eating roughly 400 too many calories every day, meaning that my 2-3 cheat meals were likely putting weight on. Already I've lost almost three pounds this month, and that's with our not-so-healthy weekend. For the first time in several weeks, I feel confident about seeing a 299 on the scale soon.

My calories are riding steady. My diet is spot-on. And if we can avoid hail and tornadoes tonight, I'll be back out walking/jogging tonight. I feel good about things.

It's a Lifestyle

That's what we were reminded of upon arriving home and weighing in just to see how much damage we had done. I am 306.4 this morning, while my last weigh-in was 305.6. So, I put on .8 pounds in just over three days.

***EDIT***
After "using the bathroom", I weighed in at 305.8. So, I'll be going with that, thanks.
***Carry On***

We didn't eat great this weekend. We had probably three meals and two snacks that we SHOULD have done without, and that we regretted eating afterwards. Now, that's out of three days worth of meals, so it could have been lots worse. Still, we know, and will be the first to admit, that we enjoyed ourselves from a food standpoint a few times.

Now, the old Becky and Kevin used to go to a hotel, turn the TV on, grab some candy, some pop, some Little Debbie's, order a pizza, get some chocolate milk, and sit there for four hours watching TV and eating. Then we would have gotten up and driven to the store to get more food. And that isn't an exaggeration.

That's not us, anymore. We spent very minimal time in our room this weekend, and that time was either early in the morning, or right before bed. We got out and made some things happen this time.

The theater is roughly 1/3 of a mile from the hotel, so we walked over to get the tickets. Then we walked to Rock Bottom, where we had dinner. Then we walked back to the hotel, where we waited for the movie to get closer to its start time. Then we walked BACK to the theater. And, of course, we walked back to the hotel afterwards.

Saturday was better. We decided not to go spend $12 on 30 minutes of batting cage time, so we went for a walk around the lake next to the hotel. The entire trail was probably about 2.25 miles-ish. But half-way around the trail was a flight of roughly 110 steps. Beck took the lead and started running the suckers. I had a sore hip for some reason, so I decided I wasn't going to run, but on her fourth time up (when she ran up the hill next to the steps, as opposed to the steps), I said 'screw it', and I chased her up. Now, I hadn't run up a steep hill like that in years, so this was a challenge for me. And it hurt. But then, I decided I was going to run back down the stairs, too. I was sucking wind, and my hip stung a little, but I felt good, people.

Later that night, we decided we'd hit the pool.

Now, keep in mind, we haven't been to a pool in a good three years. If you're ashamed of your body, taking your clothes off and hitting the pool isn't a great place to be. But there we were, in the pool. I was shirtless (sorry for the mental image) and Beck was rocking the blue bathing suit from her before pics.

*** Rabbit Trail ***

Beck looked great in that suit. In her before pics, her fat sucks up all of the fabric, and it looks like she's wearing mini-Speedo's. But her new body, almost 40 pounds lighter, looked great in there. She should be very proud. And she flexed a few times, and she's getting buff, people.

*** Back to the Blog ***

So, we decided instead of floating around and relaxing, we'd actually work. So, we raced from one end of the pool to the other a few times. And we each sat on a life preserver while the other person pulled us around, running through the pool. We worked hard, then we played. In fact, I was a little sore under my arms and on the sides of my chest the next morning.

The moral of the story is this: We cheated on our diets a little, yes. But we didn't derail ourselves. Even on our "days off" during an anniversary getaway, we worked. I put almost a full pound back on. I know that isn't great. But the point here is that those few meals I cheated with this weekend were the exception.

Our active lifestyles are the rule.

More on Monday

Just got back, and had a BLAST. The hotel was incredible, and we had an amazing weekend.

Quickly:

1. Didn't eat great, but didn't eat awful.
2. Walked 2+ miles twice, walked everywhere we went, actually, ran stairs, went swimming for excercise - not for fun (though it was fun).
3. Weighed in when we got home, less than an hour after a big brunch. Weighed 305.8.
4. Very happy.

Talk to you all tomorrow!

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Well, today is my (and Beck's, of course) 5th Anniversary.

It's been an awful, stressful, nightmare-ish five years.

Not because of Becky, mind you.

No, in fact, she (and the girls) is the only reason I made it through all of the crap we've had to endure over the last few years. So, thank you, Beck. I LITERALLY could not have made it without you.

To celebrate our Anniversary, Beck and I are ditching the kids until Sunday morning, and we'll be going to the Westin near Boulder. We're going to see a movie. We're going to eat at The Rock Bottom Brewery. We're going to hit the batting cages. We're going to spar in our hotel room. We're going to SLEEP IN. Should be a fun 2 days.

On the weight-loss side of things, I am oh so back on track. I (without really trying) stayed around 1,900 calories yesterday, plus Beck and I sparred for an hour last night. The result was my 5th day in a row of steady weight loss, and my second-lowest weigh-in to date - 305.6. My average is back in the 306's, after three weeks of being as high as 309+.

As much as I might like to say "it's a special occasion, let's eat anything we want, no matter how bad it is!", I'll actually be saying "it's a special occasion, that turkey burger on wheat looks good." Truth is? I'm fine with that. Just because we have a built-in excuse to eat like crap doesn't mean we HAVE to. Might we cheat a little bit? Sure. But we're not going to derail our efforts because it's our anniversary. Instead, we keep the health train rolling, and we ensure that we have several more anniversaries than we would have had if we didn't make these changes.

So, we'll talk to you guys on Monday. Have a great weekend.

Read the Labels, You Idiot!

So, I'd been doing REALLY well with keeping my calories in the 2,400 range. I was under by about 150 two days in a row, so I purposely went over by about 150 to try to even things out. I've been counting calories like the Cookie Monster counts ... everything.

So, last night I made us some homemade pizza on a fat-free, cholesterol-free crust. Being the moron that I am (and I really do know better), I allowed myself to believe that fat-free and cholesterol-free equaled "low calorie".

As Beck and I sat down to add everything up, we realized that the pizza was roughly 210 calories per slice. A pizza much smaller than anything we'd get from Domino's had pretty much the exact same amount of calories.

Moral of the story, I went about 550 calories over my 2,400 yesterday, and Beck went about 900 over her 1,600.

Even now, I'm trying to figure out how a Domino's pizza on regular crust, with sausage, can give me the exact same amount of calories that a "healthy" crust, with Canadian bacon, can give me. Doesn't make much sense, but I learn, and I adapt.

On another note, I may finally be seeing the steady weight drop that I saw several weeks ago. I don't need to lose a pound a day to be happy (though I WOULD be happy), I just need to see that number on my 5-Day be consistently smaller. I was 308 and change on the scale a week ago, and I'm 306.2 on the scale today - it's a 2+ pound loss in the last week. After being stuck here for so long, I can deal with that.

Carrying on...

The Importance of 299

So, this little phase I've been going through and struggling with has really been tough on me.

When I started the whole transformation process, getting to 299 was one of my most important goals. Beyond the fact that it will get me out of the 300's, getting to 299 really is something I NEED to do for a variety of reasons.

I mentioned several posts ago that I don't think there's much of a difference between 307 and 360. Yes, pound-for-pound, 307 is a lot lighter than where I started, but I'm talking more about the generization of being "300 pounds."

There's a stigma, even when you're 6' 8", with being a 300-pounder. Unless you're an NFL Offensive lineman, or maybe a professional wrestler, there's nothing good about being 300+ on the scale. You hear "300", and you instantly think "fat." I need to stop being fat.

An example: When I got down to 337, I was pretty proud that I had taken out 10 pounds between Thanksgiving and December 15th. I was talking to my brother, and I decided to brag a little. When I told him I was "down to 337", he instinctively said "DOWN to 337??"

It wasn't the 337 that got his attention, it was the fact that I was, in general, so fat that made him take notice. He didn't mean anything by it, and, let's face it, 337 is an insane number.

But it made getting out of the 300's that much more important to me.

Saying I'm "6' 8", 299" is going to sound much better than saying I'm "6' 8", 307". On paper, it's an 8-pound difference. And even when I get to 299, I've got a long way to go to get to my goal of 260. But 299 will make me feel like I've crossed that barrier between good and evil. Hitting 299 will give me a sense of accomplishment that I can only get from crossing that line. Yes, I've lost 50+ pounds since I moved to Denver. Yes, I've lost 39 of those in the last six months. But those numbers pale in comparison to 299.

Not to get to melodramatic, but 299 is more than a number. It's almost a symbol to me. It's a symbol of my focus, my determination, my willingness to change, and it's real proof that I HAVE changed.

I partially agree with Rob's assessment of 299 when he weighed in under 300 for the first time. Still a long way to go, no need to get too excited. And, like I said, I know I still have a long way to go to hit 260. But 299 is a benchmark. It's a checkpoint. I know that, by hitting that mark, I'm on my way, doing well, making changes, and becoming healthy.

So while others might not need to hit a specific number to feel that sense of accomplishment, I do. And I know that when I do hit it, I'll get that second wind that I need to keep things moving.

You've been warned. When this average drops under 300, prepare for a celebratory post. Fireworks, Diet Coke, turkey burgers on whole wheat buns - the works. I'll take some time to bask in the light of a milestone, then it's back to work.

I Got Nuthin'

Not a lot to report today.

My body is still screwy, as my last four weigh-ins have been 305.6, 307.8, 308.6, and 307.0. I wish the thing would just chill and lose .25 pounds per day.

My caloric intake has been pretty right on. 2,220 and Sunday, 2,300 and change yesterday. It's a lot easier to just aim for 2,400 than it is to try to stay at 1,800 for a day. I likes me some food.

I've had a 2-day migraine, so it's been tough to be as active as I'd like. I'm hoping to go for a walk/jog with Beck and the girls tonight.

My left shoulder is killing me - still. I was shown some strengthening moves that I can do with my dumbbells, so I'm trying to repair the problem.

And that's about it. Sorry for such a boring blog today, folks.

Check in with Becky later, as she has some good news to share.

2,407

According to my friends at 50/50 Fitness, that's what I should be taking in every day. It's about 400 calories under what the average online BMR calculator has been telling me to eat, which translates to 2,800 too many calories per week that I'm taking in - almost a pound per week.

So, starting yesterday, I'm aiming for 2,400-ish calories every day. I'm leaving the zig-zag method for a while, too. Just a striaght 2,400 calories.

How did they figure this number out? No clue.

All I know is I laid on a table with a hood over my head that was pumping O2 in. They somehow measured the CO2 I was putting out for about 20 minutes, and they came up with the 2,407. They're the pros, so I'm pretty sure they knew what they were doing.

50/50 also filled me in on something I wasn't aware of. With my weight, build, etc., one mile of walking or running burns 200 calories. So, I'll be keeping the double stroller home from now on, and I'll be trying to fit an hour or so in every afternoon for a walk/jog with my girls. I can do some HIIT with the stroller - walk for a tenth of a mile, jog for a tenth - so we're looking at a potential 500 - 800 or so calories a day extra that I'll be taking off the body.

So, who is 50/50? Check their site out at www.train50.com, and their sister site, www.l2s-livehealthy.com.

Once Shift is ready to re-launch, Scott and Lauren will take a pretty active role. They'll be blogging, they'll be on the forums for support and advice, and they're sure to be involved in other ways, too.

I was at 50/50 yesterday, and they had some of the most incredible equipment I've ever seen. They've worked with clients that range from Joe Average off the street to members of the Denver Broncos. Their facility looks like the set up for the NFL Combine. And I'm not exaggerating. It was amazing. If I didn't live 45 minutes away from them, I'd be all over it. It's an incredible organization.

If any readers live in Denver, you should check them out.

Thanks to Scott and Lauren for helping us out yesterday!

Quick Hits

1. I blogged several times over the weekend, so be sure to check out anything you might have missed over the last few days. There's a picture, a hungover rant, and an announcement about my pants. Good stuff.

2. I weighed 307.8 this morning (and that may drop, as my stomach isn't feeling well right now). I'm going back to the 5-Day routine. As much as it kills me some days, I like knowing what my body is doing from day-to-day, and how it reacts to what I do.

3. In regards to the whole "Size 40" post below, I know it's not that impressive that I've only dropped one pant size in five months. But here's the thing, when I weighed 260 before, I was wearing size 38 pants. So, I only plan on losing three pant sizes total in this transformation. I've never carried much extra weight in my hips, which is where I wear my pants. It's all in the gut.

4. We're on our way to a facility in Denver called 50/50 fitness. Beck did some design work for them recently, and to pay us back, they are going to put us each on a machine that will tell us what our actual BMR is. It'll be interesting to see what they say in relation to the online calculators I've been using.

Pants

From January 3, 2007:

I have a pair of jeans. They don't fit. I tried them on about 2 weeks ago to verify that. As a joke, I tried them on last night. As I was telling Becky that I couldn't even get them past my butt last time I tried them on, I realized they were at my waist, and I was buttoning them up. I wore them the rest of the night, and I'll be putting them back on later.

I haven't worn these jeans in at LEAST three years.

I claim a victory.

So, I'm wearing these jeans today. I was talking to Beck about how I wish they were a little more loose, as I was putting them on.

"This is how I'll know I need 40's," I began. "When I can slide these off without unbuttoning them."

I then buttoned them, and began to slide my belt on. Then I noticed something.

To test the theory that had formed in my head, I attempted to slide my size 42 Levi's off, while keeping them buttoned and zipped.

Not a problem. Those puppies slid off like tux pants on prom night (I never went to a prom, but I've heard stories).

So, allow me to make the following statement: I wear size 40 jeans.

For the first time since right after I was married, in 2002.

Next stop: 38.

I've stopped asking questions

I drank heavily last night. Still feeling it this morning. Last time I did that, my weight went up almost four pounds. So, needless to say, I was a little concerned this morning.

This time, I DROPPED almost three pounds. Yesterday was 308.4, today was 305.6.

Who am I to complain?

Let's just hope it stays that way this time. It'd be nice to have a sub-300 weigh-in by next Sunday, huh?

Dont'cha Wish Your (Significant Other) Was Hot Like Me?

Actually, I don't see much difference. Maybe a slightly slimmer face, and a little attitude. But I noticed I was wearing "the shirt", so I thought I'd take a 5-month comparison pic to see.

I GREATLY prefer how I look without my glasses on, so I hope to be able to get an exam and a few boxes of contacts soon. The glasses just hold me back, baby.

Carry on, and have a great weekend!

Not On My Watch

(The following blog entry will likely have several swear words of varying offensiveness spread throughout. Please don't read it if you feel you may be offended by such foul language.)

So, my last few posts have been very self-deprecating and depressing.

"I suck. Life hates me. I can't...go...on..."

I've come closer to quitting that I care to admit, though I admitted it, anyway. I feel like I've let people down who may have come here to receive motivation. I don't like quitting, so the fact that I even considered it pisses me off. I've been through hell these last few years, and I've always been able to look at myself in the mirror after a shit-storm passed and be proud of what I saw - a man who stood tall, took a beating, and lived to tell about it.

Listen, life DOES suck for me right now. I don't know if I've ever felt more beaten than I do right this very moment. If I told you EVERYTHING we've been dealing with, I don't think any of you would blame me for feeling this way.

But here's what I'm going to say instead:

Fuck it. I'm not quitting. I never have, and I never will. If I quit, life wins. And life doesn't deserve to win. Life is my enemy right now. Life kicks me in the ribs, I get back up and smile in it's face.

"You ain't so bad."

Life wants to tell me it can get worse?

"Bring it."

Life wants to take my stereo? Fine. But it can't take my attitude. It can't take my will. It can't take my resolve.

"I never even use that stereo, bitch."

I don't know what just happened, but about 15 minutes ago, in the midst of having two kids crying, and wishing I could go get a freaking exam for contacts, I heard something click.

It was like somebody flipped a switch that was turned off without my knowledge. In the blink of an eye, my energy popped back to 100%. My attitude was restored.

"What the hell have I been doing these last four days? Who blogged about all that crap? Screw this, man. Time to flip the script on 'depressing Kevin'."

And I did. I just did 15 push ups. I've eaten 100% clean today. I've been playing with my kids (between poopy diapers). I've been singing. I want Becky to come home NOW so we can spar some more.

I feel like the Kevin from three weeks ago, who dropped under 310 for the first time.

Now, 299 is soundly in my sights. If that little bastard thinks it's going to get away that easily, it's a moron. And 299 is just the start. 280? You're next. 260? I'm coming for you.

Life-

You've tried to keep me down. You beat the shit out of me. I'm bruised. I'm broken. But I'm not beaten.

This isn't over.

You've been warned.

[/rant]

The KA Curse Continues

Yeah. So...

Remember the scene from "Tommy Boy" where Spade and Farley are sitting on the park bench in Chicago? They'd already lost Callahan Auto, Big Tom had recently passed away, Tommy lost his girlfriend, and they couldn't sell 500,000 brake pads.

And there they were on the bench, already beaten down by the world...

Then the bench broke under Tommy's weight.

"Coulda done without that," said Tommy.

Well, last night, I had two park benches break on me.

1. We turned our stereo receiver on for the first time in a good month so we could listen to Blake from American Idol (sue me, I like the show) rock "You Give Love a Bad Name" on the big daddy speakers. Well, about 15 seconds in, it died. For no reason, and out of nowhere. It's our only stereo, and we don't have the petty cash at hand to go replace it.

"Coulda done without that."

2. Beck and I were sparring last night, having a good time, and starting to work up a sweat. Then I hit the punch mit with a right hook. Then the pain shot from my knuckles up to my elbow. I tried to keep going, but it hurt a little too badly, and I didn't want to risk seriously hurting anything. So, I got about 10 minutes of exercise in last night, then was forced to stop.

"Coulda done without that."

In the scheme of things, these aren't major issues. But when they serve as "icing on the cake", it just adds the cliche' "insult to injury."

Whatever.

On to more interesting topics.

I want to share with you all who I was when I was in shape, and who I'm trying to be again.

Simply put, as recently as five years ago (closer to six), I was a bad man. Not Michael Jackson "bad", but more Muhammad Ali "bad".

I was working out 3-4 days a week, doing anything from running, to weights, to basketball. I could bench 225 eight times. I could dunk the basketball. I was once unofficially timed with a 40 time of 4.78. I used to chase men with crowbars through parking lots because they stole sudafed from my store. I used to wrestle guys to the ground, put my knee on their neck, and place them in cuffs for trying to steal a printer. I've had knives pulled on me. I've had my life threatened. I've been in a good 8-10 knock-down, drag-out fights - for money.

I was 6' 8", 245. My head was Mach 3'd. My goatee was neatly trimmed. I wore dark sunglasses over my contacts.

I was a bad man.

People feared me. And if they didn't fear me, they respected me.

Being fat has turned me into this teddy bear type of guy, and that's the identity I've had to embrace. Unlike what you guys were talking about yesterday, I, nor anybody I've ever known, has seen "fat" as "intimidating." I was called "a wall" as recently as last summer. I was told I would scare the hell out of anybody I'd apprehend at the doors. OTHERS saw my 6' 8", 360-pound frame as intimidating, but I never saw myself as anything but "fat."

Most of you know me as the fat, teddy bear Kevin. The guy who comes on here and whines about life, and quotes Rocky movies. You see me as the guy who shares his feelings with the 112 visitors that come to this page each day.

And I guess I am that person, but not by choice.

Underneath all of this, the real Kevin is waiting to come back out. He's the one who wants to box three rounds with a trainer in a few months. He's the one who still has an occasional craving to be a cop. He's the one who glares at the guy in the store for cutting him off with the cart, hoping he mouths off and tries to start something.

I'm a bad man. Somewhere in there.

I'm not sure why it's so important to me that I tell you all of this. It's just something I wanted to get out there. I guess part of me feels like you're getting to know a "me" that isn't really "me." What you see here is a part of my real identity, but it's not who I am. It's not what defines me. On here, I'm just a guy trying to lose weight. You guys only see that part of me. I guess I'm kind of ashamed that fat Kevin is the only Kevin you know. Well, there's more to me than the whiny, fat, "poor me - life is so hard" Kevin.

The REAL Kevin? He's a bad man.

I Have a Confession to Make

Nothing I'm proud of, but I was ready to quit over the last 48-72 hours.

I missed two blogging days for the first time in months. I've been eating out of emotion (nothing bad, just too much). I've had daily migraines, so I've done about 20 push ups this week as my excercise. I've been lazy. I haven't cared about much more than sleep over the last few days.

I've eluded to it before, and I'm not at liberty to discuss it in detail, but Beck and I are going through a lot right now. The stress really is coming at us from a variety of angles, and I'm not dealing with it too well.

I'll say this much: I've spent the last five years getting the crap kicked out of me by life. I've felt like a failure, a loser, a jerk, a bad husband/dad; I've felt worthless, and disrespected. And things keep happening that further shove those feelings right down my throat. It's not fun, and I'm not handling it well. For several of those years, I was standing strong, like a mighty oak in a storm. But now, it takes all of my strength just to look out the window at the howling winds. And I don't want to step outside to face them.

It didn't help that my weight went from 306 to 310 from drinking too much over the weekend. Going all the way back to 310 took what wind I had right out of my sails. It was discouraging, and it took the heart right out of me. I've fought hard to stay as close to the track as I could, and I'm back to 308. But that's what hurts - "Back to 308". I already beat this number once, and here it is laughing at me, again.

So, that's how I've spent the last three or so days - struggling to keep my head above water. I'm not here today to tell you that I'm back in full force, or to give you a Rocky-like speech about how life is hitting me, but I keep getting up. The truth is, it's knocked me down so many times that I don't want to get up. But I'm TRYING to get up, and that's the best I can do right now.

The only thing keeping me going is the fact that I don't want to be fat again. I hated it, and now that I'm classified as "obese" and not "morbidly obese", I want to keep that going. "Fit" can't be too far away.

So, I'm not done. I haven't quit. Though I do admit that I came close. I don't have the same fire and energy that the rest of you in the coalition seem to have, and I wish I did. But as long as my family is in the situation we're in, I don't think I'm capable of anything more than I have right now.

But as long as I have something left in the tank, I'll keep moving forward.