Nothing I'm proud of, but I was ready to quit over the last 48-72 hours.
I missed two blogging days for the first time in months. I've been eating out of emotion (nothing bad, just too much). I've had daily migraines, so I've done about 20 push ups this week as my excercise. I've been lazy. I haven't cared about much more than sleep over the last few days.
I've eluded to it before, and I'm not at liberty to discuss it in detail, but Beck and I are going through a lot right now. The stress really is coming at us from a variety of angles, and I'm not dealing with it too well.
I'll say this much: I've spent the last five years getting the crap kicked out of me by life. I've felt like a failure, a loser, a jerk, a bad husband/dad; I've felt worthless, and disrespected. And things keep happening that further shove those feelings right down my throat. It's not fun, and I'm not handling it well. For several of those years, I was standing strong, like a mighty oak in a storm. But now, it takes all of my strength just to look out the window at the howling winds. And I don't want to step outside to face them.
It didn't help that my weight went from 306 to 310 from drinking too much over the weekend. Going all the way back to 310 took what wind I had right out of my sails. It was discouraging, and it took the heart right out of me. I've fought hard to stay as close to the track as I could, and I'm back to 308. But that's what hurts - "Back to 308". I already beat this number once, and here it is laughing at me, again.
So, that's how I've spent the last three or so days - struggling to keep my head above water. I'm not here today to tell you that I'm back in full force, or to give you a Rocky-like speech about how life is hitting me, but I keep getting up. The truth is, it's knocked me down so many times that I don't want to get up. But I'm TRYING to get up, and that's the best I can do right now.
The only thing keeping me going is the fact that I don't want to be fat again. I hated it, and now that I'm classified as "obese" and not "morbidly obese", I want to keep that going. "Fit" can't be too far away.
So, I'm not done. I haven't quit. Though I do admit that I came close. I don't have the same fire and energy that the rest of you in the coalition seem to have, and I wish I did. But as long as my family is in the situation we're in, I don't think I'm capable of anything more than I have right now.
But as long as I have something left in the tank, I'll keep moving forward.
5.03.2007
I Have a Confession to Make
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
6 comments:
Keep it up, Kevin. Do it for your kids. They need you to be around as long as possible. And at 300+, that will take years off your life. Stay strong.
Trust me, the "fire and energy" aren't a constant in my life, either... there are days when life is just hard, and putting in that extra effort just doesn't seem worth it. The way I get through it is to think of it this way... the next week or month or year is going to go by whether I'm losing weight or not... I may think today is rough, but I am going to be so much worse off, with many regrets, if next year I'm at the same weight, or heavier.
Put your priorities in order (and yes, your weight loss may not be at the top of the list right now, which is okay) and do your best... no one can put you down for doing what you're able to. And if they try, tell them to screw off. :)
Nobody ever said it was going to be easy. The best you can do is not quit. That doesn't mean you have to eat 2000 calories and workout for 60 minutes every day. What it means is you are still moving toward your goals, rather than away from them. Slowly, quickly, whatever. Even standing still for a bit. As long as you don't start moving in that opposite direction. You have to stay on top of it at least that much, and you know that.
Hope things get better soon. Sounds like you're in the middle of a shit storm, but they always pass.
Kev...
Just don't quit. Take a break. Take a week to yourself if you have to. Do whatever the hell you need to do, but as the others have already said, think about what you're proposing.
It just takes a look down one blog to what you posted yesterday. "Holy Crap. I was a Fat Ass" - those were your words.
And this is where I hit you where it hurts.
If you quit, you give up on Beck and your kids. Period.
What's more important to you?
If you quit (which you won't), life won't stop throwing punches. So you have two options: move forward despite the hits or stand still and keep getting hit. This is a screwed up time for us right now, and like every other time, it'll pass - even if it's only for a little while. You're not a quitter. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. You're not a quitter. Do you get tired? Of course. Do you wish you could stop? Hell yeah.
You're the strongest man I know, Kevin, and there's no way that the crap we're going through is stronger or more relentless than you are. We're going to get through this round. The "ding" will sound and you'll get to sit in your corner to re-energize.
Keep fighting.
I have nothing new to add to all of the other perfect comments. Everything I wanted to say was pretty much already said. Yes, Beck, I think you're freakin cool too.
One thing that is meant to be a good comment...according to studies and such...life is usually better to those that look good, so don't quit. You will feel better and get more of what you want the more you stick to your plan.
I do want to reiterate what Billy said. So maybe you're not focus so hard on the weight loss right now. That's fine. Just don't step back. Sometimes all we can do is maintain. There is nothing wrong with that.
So much for not having anything to add...
Post a Comment