(The following blog entry will likely have several swear words of varying offensiveness spread throughout. Please don't read it if you feel you may be offended by such foul language.)
So, my last few posts have been very self-deprecating and depressing.
"I suck. Life hates me. I can't...go...on..."
I've come closer to quitting that I care to admit, though I admitted it, anyway. I feel like I've let people down who may have come here to receive motivation. I don't like quitting, so the fact that I even considered it pisses me off. I've been through hell these last few years, and I've always been able to look at myself in the mirror after a shit-storm passed and be proud of what I saw - a man who stood tall, took a beating, and lived to tell about it.
Listen, life DOES suck for me right now. I don't know if I've ever felt more beaten than I do right this very moment. If I told you EVERYTHING we've been dealing with, I don't think any of you would blame me for feeling this way.
But here's what I'm going to say instead:
Fuck it. I'm not quitting. I never have, and I never will. If I quit, life wins. And life doesn't deserve to win. Life is my enemy right now. Life kicks me in the ribs, I get back up and smile in it's face.
"You ain't so bad."
Life wants to tell me it can get worse?
"Bring it."
Life wants to take my stereo? Fine. But it can't take my attitude. It can't take my will. It can't take my resolve.
"I never even use that stereo, bitch."
I don't know what just happened, but about 15 minutes ago, in the midst of having two kids crying, and wishing I could go get a freaking exam for contacts, I heard something click.
It was like somebody flipped a switch that was turned off without my knowledge. In the blink of an eye, my energy popped back to 100%. My attitude was restored.
"What the hell have I been doing these last four days? Who blogged about all that crap? Screw this, man. Time to flip the script on 'depressing Kevin'."
And I did. I just did 15 push ups. I've eaten 100% clean today. I've been playing with my kids (between poopy diapers). I've been singing. I want Becky to come home NOW so we can spar some more.
I feel like the Kevin from three weeks ago, who dropped under 310 for the first time.
Now, 299 is soundly in my sights. If that little bastard thinks it's going to get away that easily, it's a moron. And 299 is just the start. 280? You're next. 260? I'm coming for you.
Life-
You've tried to keep me down. You beat the shit out of me. I'm bruised. I'm broken. But I'm not beaten.
This isn't over.
You've been warned.
[/rant]
5.04.2007
Not On My Watch
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4 comments:
Hell yeah!!! THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!!
That's the Kevin I know.
(I swear to God, I'm smiling ear to ear right now!)
Good to have you back.
Very cool, man. This line stood out to me:
I feel like I've let people down who may have come here to receive motivation.
First off, you can't ever think like that. This blog is about how YOU feel, not about how you want to 'fake it to make us feel inspired'.
Seeing you go through this - you're not the only that's been through it. If anything, it's inspiring to see you fight it off, because we've all been there.
You're right though - you've done a lot of talking lately. The Kevin I know doesn't talk, he DOES.
So, go DO. I'm looking forward to seeing your success. Notice I didn't say "hoping". I'm expecting.
I didn't have any doubts that you'd be right back here soon. You've changed your life in the past year, but that doesn't mean that there won't be the occassional setback. I think those help us come back even stronger.
In February(after losing about 45 pounds), I called my friend from the McDonalds parking lot. I'd eaten like crap all week and I was at Mickey D's for the second full meal of the day. I basically asked her to come kick my ass (and I knew she would). That moment just made me stronger than ever in this fight. Sure, I've had my moments, but that was the last really bad week that I've had.
I f'ing hate that work verification thing...
I think that seeing your human side has also inspired me to keep on too... BE STRONG!!!
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