Be Proud, FAT!

First, Suz and Gary didn't check in yesterday, but I checked to see what they'd had so far to get a rough total.

Suz had lost 20 at last count, and Gary was at 22.

That puts the FAT Coalition's total weight loss amount at an amazing 460.34 pounds.

It doesn't matter if you've been here since Day One, or if you're new. I doesn't matter if you've lost the most weight, or the least. You're part of something great here, and if you don't believe me, just look at that number. Over 460 pounds lost by this team since we all started our journeys. Most of that loss has come in the last six months, when many of us started playing for keeps. I am proud of everybody involved. And you should all be proud, too.

Now if we can just get Mark and Yves to show back up. Guys, you're missing out on something life-changing here.

As for today...

Weigh In: 298.6
5-Day: 298.48

I went the wrong way today, and I blame myself 100%. For one thing, I ate after 9:00 PM, again. Nothing bad, just a PB on whole wheat with a glass of water. Still, I know better. For another thing, I wasn't active yesterday, at all. I lost focus and started stressing out about life, so I just didn't feel like doing my push ups or going for a walk/jog. And, of course, the day that I tell Rob to be sure to count his calories is that day I fail to count mine, and I went over my 2,400.

Physician, heal thyself.

For those of you who know about Shift, let me put this out there: As soon as Beck and I have time, we WILL finish the re-design of the site. As soon as it's done, Shift will re-launch, with more features, more tools, and more information. If any of you readers, or if any of you in the Coalition want to be involved in this grassroots endeavor, just let me know. I'll need editors, writers, salespeople, a marketing team...you name it, and we could probably use it.

My plan is to re-launch with a weekly newsletter, a bi-weekly podcast, new content bi-weekly, fundraisers, health and fitness clinics - you name it, we're going after it. Eventually, I'd like it to branch out into a magazine, and hopefully even a TV presence.

Lofty goals, to be sure. And, unfortunately, they all take money to achieve. That said, we find some sponsors and partners, and the possibility exists that Shift will go from "idea" to "force."

Let me know if you'd like to get involved.

Have a great day, everybody.

It's Time, Coalitioners...

Time to sound off on your total weight loss. Chime in with when you started, and how much you've lost.

I'll start it off:

Since January of 2006 (my unofficial start): 61.36 Pounds
Since 11/23/06: 48.36 pounds

I'll add up the total as I get comments. This should be an amazing number.

Since 1/06
RUNNING TOTAL: 418.34 Pounds

On My Way

Weigh In: 299.4 (yikes!)
5-Day: 299.28

Man, that 299.4 is as close as I ever want to be to 300, again. It's my own fault that I got that close. I wasn't active at all yesterday. I did power clean the house with Beck, and I did one, quick set of push ups, but that was about it. On top of that, I went against everything I believe, and I ate too late - a bowl of cereal at 8:30, and an apple at 9:45. I've been trying not to eat anything after 8:00 PM, and it had been working. So, that was my bad. And I didn't have anywhere near my daily water target, either. I MIGHT have had one 16 oz. glass. Not good.

But today is another day, and I'll get back on it. My aim is 2,400 calories, 5-6 glasses of water, and 100% clean eating that will stop at 8:00 PM.

Now, about this "300" number I killed a few days ago. It felt GREAT to see that first 299.4 on the scale. It was six months of fighting, and sometimes losing, tough battles to change my life. My biggest target in this has not been 260, but its been getting me out of the 300's. Being a 300-pound man while not getting paid millions of dollars to be an offensive lineman in the NFL? It's not cool. It's been downright embarrassing to me, to be honest.

But that 300 is gone, hopefully for good. If it's back, it won't be due to my failures in my diet and exercise routine. My body's fluctuations have seemed to relax a little bit, but I know from history that it could plop four pounds back on out of nowhere. So, I know that a 300 could pop back, but my goal is - obviously - to get as far away from it as I can to ensure it doesn't.

I posted about this several weeks ago, but I assumed that getting under 300 would fire me up as opposed to allowing me to relax. I was 100% right about that. I took about three days to be happy with getting under 300, and to relish the feeling of losing 60 pounds since last January, and 47 pounds since Thanksgiving. I bragged a little. I looked at myself in the mirror. I put clothes on that were big on me now, but that couldn't even fit around my big gut six months ago. I enjoyed it.

But now I see the 290's, and I realize that I am still obese. I still need to lose another 11-12% of my body weight to get to 260. I have a long way to go, though I'm now under 40 pounds left to lose. And I know that, as I get under the 25-pound-to-go level, it's only going to get tougher. For me to get where I want to be, it's going to take a renewed effort, and a re-focused approach. My determination will be tested, and I'll have to work a little harder.

But it's going to be worth it.

I'm 39.28 pounds away from my goal. If I keep the same pace I've had during the month of May, I can hit that goal in mid-September. Even if I slow down, by the time the mountain leaves start to change their colors, I'll have changed mine.

Just for Documentation

Weigh In: 297.6
5-Day: 299.88

Wow. Under 300 "officially." It feels good, but the euphoria of getting under that 300 is quickly fading. Now I see 299.88 as disgusting. I had to lose 60+ pounds just to get down to being "fat."

39.88 pounds to go until I'm happy.

One battle won, many more to fight.

More tomorrow.

Ask Me No Questions, I'll Tell You No Lies

Weigh-In: 298.6 (ANOTHER new low)
5-Day: 300.88

Man, I am so close to getting under that 300 mark for good.

No idea how I lost another .8 pounds yesterday. I wasn't as active as I wanted - 1 set of pushups, 30 minutes of basketball - and I went over my 2,400 by about 300 calories yesterday. But who am I to question?

Not much time today, so I'll be back on Tuesday with some more detailed thoughts about getting rid of that stupid 300 on the scale.

Have a great Memorial Day!

And thank you, troops!

A Lot Of Things I Could Say This Morning...

But I'll just go with this:

New 5-Day: 301.64

Bam.

I Wish...

Today's Weigh-In: 301.4
5-Day: 302.16

I'm pretty sure today's 301.4 weigh-in is real, where last week's 301.4 was an aberration. I went from 303, to 301, to 302, and I stayed in the 302's for a few days. It would make more sense that this 301 is legit, so I'm going with it.

Just thought I'd mention that. The 301.4 ties my low in this transformation.

OK, enough of that.

There are a lot of things that I wish were different about my life right now. Of course, we can all say that. My wishes aren't too drastic, though. I don't wish for a million dollars, or to be able to fly. My wishes are for a good job, to be able to provide for my family, and for the stress relief that would come along with those wishes being granted.

On a smaller note, there are a few wishes I'd like to have granted that would help me with this life change I'm going through.

I wish I had the cash for those boxing classes. I've always loved boxing. Blame it on Rocky, but I've been intrigued by boxing since I was a kid. I've watched and critiqued Ali, Leonard, Hagler, Tyson, Holyfield, Jones Jr., Mayweather, and more. Shoot, my favorite detective of all time, Spenser (and his friend Hawk) was a boxer before he solved crimes and took down mob bosses. So, now that I know what the incredible health benefits are, I want to learn worse than I ever have. And, between us, after I take the lessons for a few months, I plan on trying an actual fight at least once - just to say I was a boxer.

I wish I weren't trapped by my lovely, wonderful kids. I love them. I really do. And if any person tried to hurt them, I can't even describe what I'd do to that person. That said, from 7:00 AM to 6:00 PM, it's me, a computer, and the kids. No car. No babysitter. No break. I just wish I could get out there and hit the basketball court. I wish I could take a jog in the afternoon sun. By the time my 14 hours of being Mr. Mom are over, I'm wiped. We'll try to spar sometimes, but Becky has side projects that she works on after the kids go to bed. So, it's just me. Which brings me to...

I wish I had some friends. Being Mr. Mom isn't conducive to making friends and meeting people. I'd kill for a workout buddy, or somebody to get together with on the weekends to play basketball. Not having a job, it's tough to meet guys from work. Becky is heading out for an all-gils hike this weekend, and I'm happy for her that she has that outlet. I'd just like one, too. While she and her friends are climbing the Red Rocks, I'll be jogging the trails behind the SuperTarget next to our apartment. I'm fine with that, because it's the hand I've been dealt. I'll just be glad when my options expand a little bit.

I guess it all comes back to money, but my next wish is that I had a bike. I love riding my bike. When I was in high school, I rode about 10-15 miles every afternoon if the weather permitted. It was never a workout for me. It was always a privilege to be able to ride. Now that I'm 6' 8", finding a normal-sized, $149 bike is out of the question. I'll be paying around $300, probably more, for a bike that can support my height and weight. Add on the cost for the kiddie bike trailers so we can do this as a family, and I'm looking at a good $450 to make it happen. So, it's gonna be a while.

Don't get me wrong. I know we all have things we wish we could do differently/better concerning our workouts or diets. Those of us without trainers might wish we could afford one. Those of us with trainers might wish we could afford a better trainer. But, we all make do with what we have. I've been making do, and I can't complain too much with that I've been able to accomplish. Down almost 58 pounds since last Jauary, and 45 pounds since Thanksgiving of last year. Given those numbers, I'll stick with my current wishes. After all, I could be wishing I didn't weigh 360 pounds.

A New Tool

Just something I found that might interest some of you:

Body Space

Lots of tools to track your progress, from your weight to your workouts, and pretty much everything in between. Pretty detailed stuff.

The site itself is geared more toward body builders, but this tracker can work for fat loss/body transformations, as well. If anyobody makes use of it, let me know.

Good News/Bad News

Time to play everybody's favorite game...


Good News: I had to eat a big dinner last night to get over 2,000 calories for the day
Bad News: It was pizza

Good News: I've taken another 2.8 pounds off of my 5-Day in the last seven days
Bad News: Still haven't seen a 299 on the scale

Good News: No rain today, for the first time all week
Bad News: Beck has a meeting after work, so I still won't get out to walk/run tonight

Just some quick thoughts to go along with the list:

- Rob called me out for what he interpreted as excuses, yesterday. I appreciate the concern, but let me assure everybody, I make no excuses for my failures. Yesterday's post was a public wake-up call to myself. I noticed the possibility for a bad trend to start, so I made my struggle public. Life ain't easy for us right now, but we're trudging along the best we can in this situation. Six months ago? Life would have played "Fat guy in a little coat" with me. My life would be ripping apart. That wasn't the best example, but any time I can fit in a Tommy Boy reference, you can bet I'm going to do it.

- Rob beat me to it, but yesterday was my unofficial six-month anniversary in this transformation. I "started" about two weeks before that, but I wasn't taking it seriously. The day I really buckled down was November 23rd. In those six months, I've lost 13% of my total body weight, and I've taken 7" off of my waist. Most importantly, I've become stronger. Not muscle strong (though I have), but person strong. I'm a better man today than I was six months ago. I'm handling this bout of life BS better than I've handled anything like it in the past. I've had weak moments, but I used to have a weak life. I'll gladly take that exchange.

Just think of what might have been, had I stayed on the path I was walking six months ago...

Damn.

Don't Panic. Deep Breaths.

OK, so, yeah.

I'm up another .2 pounds today, weighing in at 302.6.

That means I've put 1.2 pounds on in the last four days, although my 5-Day is still dropping - a little.

Other than my one, bad night, I've been eating fine. But we've been so buried that we haven't been able to spar or head out for walk/jog sessions.

So, I'm not hitting the panic button quite yet, but the cover is off, and it's on stand-by. I CANNOT let myself keep going in the wrong direction. I just can't. Life is messed up right now, and my weight may be the only thing I can control, so I plan on controlling it.

Hopefully the rain will hold off tonight, and I can hit the trails for a little while. Anything will help at this point.

Not Much To Say, Really

Took a calculated risk, motivated by having a really bad day, and had a cheat meal last night. Ended up weighing in up .4 pounds from yesterday.

More importantly, I feel nasty this morning. Not sick, but more "I should have avoided those foods last night." Don't get me wrong, I love sesame chicken. I really do. And it tasted great while I was eating it - especially at $1.25 a scoop. But this morning, I'm filled with deep regret. I could have done without it, and I wonder what kind of effect it really had on my weight this morning. Going up .4 isn't awful, but might I have gone DOWN .4 if I'd avoided the dinner? Is the .4 water from the sodium, or is it straight weight?

There are no right answers to those questions today, because I'll never know. I just need to shake the cobwebs out of my head, refocus, and make sure I'm back to eating clean today.

I also need to get my butt out of this house and get my body moving. Sparring, walking, jogging, climbing something...I need to move today. I haven't done any sort of "workout" since Saturday, and that's unacceptable. Maybe I'll hit the trails behind us this evening and do a little walk/jog. I gotta do something.

My unwritten goal was to get my average under 300 by the end of the week. I could still do it, but not by going the wrong direction with my weigh-ins for two straight days.

I just need to make sure I break through any potential mental block before it builds up enough to slow me down. I kind of feel like that's what I'm dealing with right now. Similar to that feeling of walking through deep, thick mud. You're moving, but as soon as you stop, your feet are pretty much locked in place. I feel like I'm in the mud right now, so it's more important than ever that I keep moving.

Back at it today, looking for a better number tomorrow...

Addiction Isn't Funny

Every year, millions of Americans have to face the frightening prospect of trying to beat an addiction. Drugs, alcohol, porn - you name it, and likely there are some well-meaning people who have a problem with it.

I used to think that addiction was just a way for weak people to excuse themselves from any personal responsibility. But then, I realized I had a problem, and I needed help.

My name is Kevin Antcliff, and I'm addicted to my scale.

I can't stop myself. I see it there, looking at me, and I have to step on it. Once in the morning just isn't enough for me, anymore. Five, six, even 10 times a day, I find myself stripping down, and looking into the face of obsession. It has a hold on me like nothing has before. Right now I can hear it. It's calling me. "Keeeeeviiiiiin! Come step on me, buddy! You might have lost two-tenths of a pound since you got up, right? Don't you wanna know? I know you do, Kevin. Come on, man. Just one time. Just step on me now, then you'll be able to make it through until tomorrow."

I try to ignore it, but I must step on it. It's right about one thing, I DO want to know what I weigh now. Yes, I weighed myself an hour ago, but I could have burned some calories off by changing diapers, right? I mean, I just want to have an accurate number. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm doing it for accuracy, not because I can't control myself. I can stop any time I want. It's not a problem...

I try to convince you, the readers, but I haven't even convinced myself.

I weighed in at 302.0 this morning, and I should be content with that. But here I am, fighting off the urge to go do it again.

I need help.

Ooohhhhh! Almost Had It!

My weight today: 301.4
My 5-Day: 303.16

I almost had it, man.

Still, I'm fine with a 301.4 - a new low for me. And my 5-Day has put me across the 43.5 pound-lost mark since November, meaning I'm now over half-way to my goal of 87 pounds.

Meanwhile, I hear that 299.9 has gone into hiding. It knows I'm getting close, so it's trying to avoid me at all costs. I have a team of search dogs on its trail, and an Indian tracker leading the search says it's only a matter of days until 299 is found and taken down.

So, 299, if you're reading this, and I know you are...

I'm coming for you.

Quickies...

Weighed in several times today out of boredom/obsession:

304.6, 304, 303, 302, 300.8, 301.8

I went for a long walk, and haven't eaten much out of nervousness about a potential job. That said, I'll be eating a nice, big, free Italian dinner tonight. So, that should make up for it, I'd say.

More on Monday.

Not at 100%

Weigh-in: 303.4
5-Day: 304.56

I've been feeling sick for about 36 hours or so, now. It's part cold, part flu, and it's teaming up with my shoulder to keep me pretty much activity-less. Obviously, lack of activity is uncool, especially when you're trying to lose weight.

I'm shaky as I type this, so I don't anticipate too awful much changing today, though I will try to clean the house again today. With two kids, even cleaning every 48 hours makes for a good workout. Toys everywhere, dishes, garbage - you name it.

Hopefully I'll feel better as the day goes along, and I can get out and walk or something tonight. Every little bit helps at ths point.

I've abandoned my hopes of hitting 299.9 by Sunday. Had I been in the 302's today, I might have thought it possible. But after going back up .4 from pounds yesterday, I don't see it happeneing. Still, I'm looking at an average weight of 304.56 sqaure in its face right now, and that is the lightest I've been since the winter of 2002. I have no complaints about that.

In the last 10 days, I've taken 2.8 pounds off of my average. My weigh-ins went from 308.6 11 days ago, to 303.4 today. That's 5.2 pounds in just over a week. I'm willing to bet that, had I not splurged so much over my anniversary weekend, I'd be flirting with that 299 today. Oh well, I'll get there soon enough.

Do You Know What Area Code I Live In?

Well, allow me to tell you...


Oddly, that is also the number that appeared on my scale - twice - this morning. I have no explanation of how that number got there, but I'm sure not upset about it.

Truth is, while I stayed under my 2400 for the day yesterday, I wasn't as active as I planned. I got sick after dinner, and my shoulder was killing me again. So the only activity I had yesterday was cleaning my apartment. Now, I did a lot of cleaning, and I was moving at a pretty good clip for 30-40 minutes...

But 304.8 to 303? I wasn't moving that much.

Still, it gives me hope that I might actually hit one 299.9 weigh-in over the next three days. It's not likely, but I'm gonna try to make it happen. I still don't feel good this morning, so my food intake shouldn't be a problem today. It might be tough to get to my 2400, actually.

Good things are happening for me, weight-wise. Now I just need to stay focused, work hard, and keep the train rolling.

Guys, I should have done this weeks ago. It feels good not to be the only person not losing weight, anymore!

EDIT: I used the potty (I have a 2-year-old), and weighed again. 302.4!

Flashback

The following is an excerpt from my first post here. I was reading old posts, and was amazed at how much has changed for me Thought people might enjoy taking a look.

I am 30 years old. I stand 6-8. I have a wonderful wife, and two gorgeous daughters. I am working as a sportswriter - my life's dream. I live in a great apartment - complete with vaulted ceilings and a fireplace! Honestly, I have a pretty decent life.

Now.

The truth is, it wasn't that way as recently as three months ago. Actually, pretty much my last five or six years have been borderline hell. My motto for most of that time? "It could always be worse." Unfortunately, whenever I said that to myself, things actually got worse. I won't go into graphic detail, but I will give you the Cliffs Notes version.

Over the course of four years, I lost three jobs, lost my grandmother, lost one of my best friends from high school, and watched my mom slowly die. My family spent time on welfare. We had catastrophic auto issues - $2,500 worth of repairs at a time. We were nearly evicted - twice. I helped start a magazine, gave up tome with my family, as well as turned down jobs that would help me care for them, and I ended up being forced out of my own creation.

Those four years could have been devastating for me, but luckily I had something to comfort me.

Food.

I never really knew it before all of this, but I am an emotional eater. Something bad happens? A box of Little Debbie's should do the trick. Have a good day? I'm gonna celebrate! Break out a box of Little Debbie's! I'd stop at McDonald's, and instead of having A burger and some fries, I'd have FOUR burgers and fries. Maybe toss a milkshake on, just for good measure. I'd order Chinese - a family-size meal - and clean the entire thing out in one sitting.

And the more I ate, the less energy I had. In 2001, I was playing basketball three times each week, lifting weights three times each week, and going for a quick one-mile run at least once each week. It's gotten so bad, that even remembering those times gets me winded.

In all seriousness, I lose my breath from tying my shoes. Shoot, I lose my breath from breathing. We live on the third floor, and after climbing them to come home, I'm so out of breath that you'd think I just ran a quick 5K. I chase my daughter around for 10 minutes, and I need a break. It's bad.

I'm scared to death for me and for my family. I'm 30 years old, and I'm an easy 100 pounds overweight. I have severe sleep apnea. I wake up choking two or three times each night. I get migraines weekly. I'm always tired. The way I'm going right now, my kids will be fatherless in ten years. My wife will be looking for a replacement. I don't want that to happen.

I'm AMAZED as I read through that. Especially that part in bold. That was all true. I didn't even remember that I used to get winded from bending over to tie my shoes. I'm ashamed of myself for ever getting that bad.

Now I spar for 30-40 minutes at a time. Then, I tickled my daughter, and I was sweating.

Now I sprint 100 yards, and I need to catch my breath. Then, I came up my front steps, and needed to lay down.

Still a long way to go, but looking back is a good thing to do now and then.

We Have a Visual...

Today's Weigh-In: 304.8
5-Day: 305.45

For the first time in years, I really believe I'm going to weigh less than 300 pounds, and soon. The 299 is in sight. It's sitting there on the horizon, and I'm slowly closing on it's position. Stupid thing has NO clue what's about to happen to it, either. Poor sap.

As you can see, I got my first sub-305 number on the scale this morning. And my average dropped to under 305.5. I weighed 308.6 nine days ago. That's almost four pounds in less than 10 days. Keeping in mind a less-than-perfect weekend of eating, and weather/health/time issues that have kept me from being as active as I'd like to be. Four pounds is pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. And I do.

I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things, no pun intended, with my sparring and push ups as soon as tonight. My shoulder feels good today, and it felt about 90% yesterday. And no sign of severe storms for the first day this week, so we'll try to get a 2-3 mile walk in, too.

I don't think it's too realistic, but I'm aiming to see ONE 299.9 on the scale by Sunday morning. Just one. It can shoot right back up to 302 the next day, but I want that 299 to know I'm coming for it. We'll worry about "taking the hill" by getting the average under 299 next week. I just want the 299 to be afraid. I want it to be very afraid.

And still, as amazing as it will be to win this battle, conquer the 300's, and pop 299 square in the jaw, I know it's a war. Still in my path is a 290, a 280, and a 270. Then, I go after 260. Still a long way to go, but I'm moving forward, slow and steady.

Steady As She Goes

Weighed in at 305.6 again today, which I'll take. Not a lot to say, so I thought I'd post some random pictures of me from 5 years ago.

Me at 270-ish

I think when I get to 290, I'm going to have a very similar build to the one I had when I was 270 before. I'm stronger now, my arms and chest are bigger - more muscle, in general. I feel like I look pretty similar to these pictures right now. That means my new 260 is gonna be hawt and sexy, baby. Maybe.

Another quickie here: From 4-14 to 5-11, I lost - wait for it - .06 pounds. Yes. POINT-ZERO-SIX POUNDS in one month. Six Hundredths of a Pound. That sucks. But, my measurements were crazy. I lost .5" in my neck, .7" in my chest, .5" in my waist, and a full inch in my thigh. Even though I didn't lose any weight, April was one of my most active months - walks, sprints, sparring, push ups, etc.

Yet more proof that you can't judge change based only on a scale's reading.

Keeping in mind I was also eating roughly 400 too many calories every day, meaning that my 2-3 cheat meals were likely putting weight on. Already I've lost almost three pounds this month, and that's with our not-so-healthy weekend. For the first time in several weeks, I feel confident about seeing a 299 on the scale soon.

My calories are riding steady. My diet is spot-on. And if we can avoid hail and tornadoes tonight, I'll be back out walking/jogging tonight. I feel good about things.

It's a Lifestyle

That's what we were reminded of upon arriving home and weighing in just to see how much damage we had done. I am 306.4 this morning, while my last weigh-in was 305.6. So, I put on .8 pounds in just over three days.

***EDIT***
After "using the bathroom", I weighed in at 305.8. So, I'll be going with that, thanks.
***Carry On***

We didn't eat great this weekend. We had probably three meals and two snacks that we SHOULD have done without, and that we regretted eating afterwards. Now, that's out of three days worth of meals, so it could have been lots worse. Still, we know, and will be the first to admit, that we enjoyed ourselves from a food standpoint a few times.

Now, the old Becky and Kevin used to go to a hotel, turn the TV on, grab some candy, some pop, some Little Debbie's, order a pizza, get some chocolate milk, and sit there for four hours watching TV and eating. Then we would have gotten up and driven to the store to get more food. And that isn't an exaggeration.

That's not us, anymore. We spent very minimal time in our room this weekend, and that time was either early in the morning, or right before bed. We got out and made some things happen this time.

The theater is roughly 1/3 of a mile from the hotel, so we walked over to get the tickets. Then we walked to Rock Bottom, where we had dinner. Then we walked back to the hotel, where we waited for the movie to get closer to its start time. Then we walked BACK to the theater. And, of course, we walked back to the hotel afterwards.

Saturday was better. We decided not to go spend $12 on 30 minutes of batting cage time, so we went for a walk around the lake next to the hotel. The entire trail was probably about 2.25 miles-ish. But half-way around the trail was a flight of roughly 110 steps. Beck took the lead and started running the suckers. I had a sore hip for some reason, so I decided I wasn't going to run, but on her fourth time up (when she ran up the hill next to the steps, as opposed to the steps), I said 'screw it', and I chased her up. Now, I hadn't run up a steep hill like that in years, so this was a challenge for me. And it hurt. But then, I decided I was going to run back down the stairs, too. I was sucking wind, and my hip stung a little, but I felt good, people.

Later that night, we decided we'd hit the pool.

Now, keep in mind, we haven't been to a pool in a good three years. If you're ashamed of your body, taking your clothes off and hitting the pool isn't a great place to be. But there we were, in the pool. I was shirtless (sorry for the mental image) and Beck was rocking the blue bathing suit from her before pics.

*** Rabbit Trail ***

Beck looked great in that suit. In her before pics, her fat sucks up all of the fabric, and it looks like she's wearing mini-Speedo's. But her new body, almost 40 pounds lighter, looked great in there. She should be very proud. And she flexed a few times, and she's getting buff, people.

*** Back to the Blog ***

So, we decided instead of floating around and relaxing, we'd actually work. So, we raced from one end of the pool to the other a few times. And we each sat on a life preserver while the other person pulled us around, running through the pool. We worked hard, then we played. In fact, I was a little sore under my arms and on the sides of my chest the next morning.

The moral of the story is this: We cheated on our diets a little, yes. But we didn't derail ourselves. Even on our "days off" during an anniversary getaway, we worked. I put almost a full pound back on. I know that isn't great. But the point here is that those few meals I cheated with this weekend were the exception.

Our active lifestyles are the rule.

More on Monday

Just got back, and had a BLAST. The hotel was incredible, and we had an amazing weekend.

Quickly:

1. Didn't eat great, but didn't eat awful.
2. Walked 2+ miles twice, walked everywhere we went, actually, ran stairs, went swimming for excercise - not for fun (though it was fun).
3. Weighed in when we got home, less than an hour after a big brunch. Weighed 305.8.
4. Very happy.

Talk to you all tomorrow!

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Well, today is my (and Beck's, of course) 5th Anniversary.

It's been an awful, stressful, nightmare-ish five years.

Not because of Becky, mind you.

No, in fact, she (and the girls) is the only reason I made it through all of the crap we've had to endure over the last few years. So, thank you, Beck. I LITERALLY could not have made it without you.

To celebrate our Anniversary, Beck and I are ditching the kids until Sunday morning, and we'll be going to the Westin near Boulder. We're going to see a movie. We're going to eat at The Rock Bottom Brewery. We're going to hit the batting cages. We're going to spar in our hotel room. We're going to SLEEP IN. Should be a fun 2 days.

On the weight-loss side of things, I am oh so back on track. I (without really trying) stayed around 1,900 calories yesterday, plus Beck and I sparred for an hour last night. The result was my 5th day in a row of steady weight loss, and my second-lowest weigh-in to date - 305.6. My average is back in the 306's, after three weeks of being as high as 309+.

As much as I might like to say "it's a special occasion, let's eat anything we want, no matter how bad it is!", I'll actually be saying "it's a special occasion, that turkey burger on wheat looks good." Truth is? I'm fine with that. Just because we have a built-in excuse to eat like crap doesn't mean we HAVE to. Might we cheat a little bit? Sure. But we're not going to derail our efforts because it's our anniversary. Instead, we keep the health train rolling, and we ensure that we have several more anniversaries than we would have had if we didn't make these changes.

So, we'll talk to you guys on Monday. Have a great weekend.

Read the Labels, You Idiot!

So, I'd been doing REALLY well with keeping my calories in the 2,400 range. I was under by about 150 two days in a row, so I purposely went over by about 150 to try to even things out. I've been counting calories like the Cookie Monster counts ... everything.

So, last night I made us some homemade pizza on a fat-free, cholesterol-free crust. Being the moron that I am (and I really do know better), I allowed myself to believe that fat-free and cholesterol-free equaled "low calorie".

As Beck and I sat down to add everything up, we realized that the pizza was roughly 210 calories per slice. A pizza much smaller than anything we'd get from Domino's had pretty much the exact same amount of calories.

Moral of the story, I went about 550 calories over my 2,400 yesterday, and Beck went about 900 over her 1,600.

Even now, I'm trying to figure out how a Domino's pizza on regular crust, with sausage, can give me the exact same amount of calories that a "healthy" crust, with Canadian bacon, can give me. Doesn't make much sense, but I learn, and I adapt.

On another note, I may finally be seeing the steady weight drop that I saw several weeks ago. I don't need to lose a pound a day to be happy (though I WOULD be happy), I just need to see that number on my 5-Day be consistently smaller. I was 308 and change on the scale a week ago, and I'm 306.2 on the scale today - it's a 2+ pound loss in the last week. After being stuck here for so long, I can deal with that.

Carrying on...

The Importance of 299

So, this little phase I've been going through and struggling with has really been tough on me.

When I started the whole transformation process, getting to 299 was one of my most important goals. Beyond the fact that it will get me out of the 300's, getting to 299 really is something I NEED to do for a variety of reasons.

I mentioned several posts ago that I don't think there's much of a difference between 307 and 360. Yes, pound-for-pound, 307 is a lot lighter than where I started, but I'm talking more about the generization of being "300 pounds."

There's a stigma, even when you're 6' 8", with being a 300-pounder. Unless you're an NFL Offensive lineman, or maybe a professional wrestler, there's nothing good about being 300+ on the scale. You hear "300", and you instantly think "fat." I need to stop being fat.

An example: When I got down to 337, I was pretty proud that I had taken out 10 pounds between Thanksgiving and December 15th. I was talking to my brother, and I decided to brag a little. When I told him I was "down to 337", he instinctively said "DOWN to 337??"

It wasn't the 337 that got his attention, it was the fact that I was, in general, so fat that made him take notice. He didn't mean anything by it, and, let's face it, 337 is an insane number.

But it made getting out of the 300's that much more important to me.

Saying I'm "6' 8", 299" is going to sound much better than saying I'm "6' 8", 307". On paper, it's an 8-pound difference. And even when I get to 299, I've got a long way to go to get to my goal of 260. But 299 will make me feel like I've crossed that barrier between good and evil. Hitting 299 will give me a sense of accomplishment that I can only get from crossing that line. Yes, I've lost 50+ pounds since I moved to Denver. Yes, I've lost 39 of those in the last six months. But those numbers pale in comparison to 299.

Not to get to melodramatic, but 299 is more than a number. It's almost a symbol to me. It's a symbol of my focus, my determination, my willingness to change, and it's real proof that I HAVE changed.

I partially agree with Rob's assessment of 299 when he weighed in under 300 for the first time. Still a long way to go, no need to get too excited. And, like I said, I know I still have a long way to go to hit 260. But 299 is a benchmark. It's a checkpoint. I know that, by hitting that mark, I'm on my way, doing well, making changes, and becoming healthy.

So while others might not need to hit a specific number to feel that sense of accomplishment, I do. And I know that when I do hit it, I'll get that second wind that I need to keep things moving.

You've been warned. When this average drops under 300, prepare for a celebratory post. Fireworks, Diet Coke, turkey burgers on whole wheat buns - the works. I'll take some time to bask in the light of a milestone, then it's back to work.

I Got Nuthin'

Not a lot to report today.

My body is still screwy, as my last four weigh-ins have been 305.6, 307.8, 308.6, and 307.0. I wish the thing would just chill and lose .25 pounds per day.

My caloric intake has been pretty right on. 2,220 and Sunday, 2,300 and change yesterday. It's a lot easier to just aim for 2,400 than it is to try to stay at 1,800 for a day. I likes me some food.

I've had a 2-day migraine, so it's been tough to be as active as I'd like. I'm hoping to go for a walk/jog with Beck and the girls tonight.

My left shoulder is killing me - still. I was shown some strengthening moves that I can do with my dumbbells, so I'm trying to repair the problem.

And that's about it. Sorry for such a boring blog today, folks.

Check in with Becky later, as she has some good news to share.

2,407

According to my friends at 50/50 Fitness, that's what I should be taking in every day. It's about 400 calories under what the average online BMR calculator has been telling me to eat, which translates to 2,800 too many calories per week that I'm taking in - almost a pound per week.

So, starting yesterday, I'm aiming for 2,400-ish calories every day. I'm leaving the zig-zag method for a while, too. Just a striaght 2,400 calories.

How did they figure this number out? No clue.

All I know is I laid on a table with a hood over my head that was pumping O2 in. They somehow measured the CO2 I was putting out for about 20 minutes, and they came up with the 2,407. They're the pros, so I'm pretty sure they knew what they were doing.

50/50 also filled me in on something I wasn't aware of. With my weight, build, etc., one mile of walking or running burns 200 calories. So, I'll be keeping the double stroller home from now on, and I'll be trying to fit an hour or so in every afternoon for a walk/jog with my girls. I can do some HIIT with the stroller - walk for a tenth of a mile, jog for a tenth - so we're looking at a potential 500 - 800 or so calories a day extra that I'll be taking off the body.

So, who is 50/50? Check their site out at www.train50.com, and their sister site, www.l2s-livehealthy.com.

Once Shift is ready to re-launch, Scott and Lauren will take a pretty active role. They'll be blogging, they'll be on the forums for support and advice, and they're sure to be involved in other ways, too.

I was at 50/50 yesterday, and they had some of the most incredible equipment I've ever seen. They've worked with clients that range from Joe Average off the street to members of the Denver Broncos. Their facility looks like the set up for the NFL Combine. And I'm not exaggerating. It was amazing. If I didn't live 45 minutes away from them, I'd be all over it. It's an incredible organization.

If any readers live in Denver, you should check them out.

Thanks to Scott and Lauren for helping us out yesterday!

Quick Hits

1. I blogged several times over the weekend, so be sure to check out anything you might have missed over the last few days. There's a picture, a hungover rant, and an announcement about my pants. Good stuff.

2. I weighed 307.8 this morning (and that may drop, as my stomach isn't feeling well right now). I'm going back to the 5-Day routine. As much as it kills me some days, I like knowing what my body is doing from day-to-day, and how it reacts to what I do.

3. In regards to the whole "Size 40" post below, I know it's not that impressive that I've only dropped one pant size in five months. But here's the thing, when I weighed 260 before, I was wearing size 38 pants. So, I only plan on losing three pant sizes total in this transformation. I've never carried much extra weight in my hips, which is where I wear my pants. It's all in the gut.

4. We're on our way to a facility in Denver called 50/50 fitness. Beck did some design work for them recently, and to pay us back, they are going to put us each on a machine that will tell us what our actual BMR is. It'll be interesting to see what they say in relation to the online calculators I've been using.

Pants

From January 3, 2007:

I have a pair of jeans. They don't fit. I tried them on about 2 weeks ago to verify that. As a joke, I tried them on last night. As I was telling Becky that I couldn't even get them past my butt last time I tried them on, I realized they were at my waist, and I was buttoning them up. I wore them the rest of the night, and I'll be putting them back on later.

I haven't worn these jeans in at LEAST three years.

I claim a victory.

So, I'm wearing these jeans today. I was talking to Beck about how I wish they were a little more loose, as I was putting them on.

"This is how I'll know I need 40's," I began. "When I can slide these off without unbuttoning them."

I then buttoned them, and began to slide my belt on. Then I noticed something.

To test the theory that had formed in my head, I attempted to slide my size 42 Levi's off, while keeping them buttoned and zipped.

Not a problem. Those puppies slid off like tux pants on prom night (I never went to a prom, but I've heard stories).

So, allow me to make the following statement: I wear size 40 jeans.

For the first time since right after I was married, in 2002.

Next stop: 38.

I've stopped asking questions

I drank heavily last night. Still feeling it this morning. Last time I did that, my weight went up almost four pounds. So, needless to say, I was a little concerned this morning.

This time, I DROPPED almost three pounds. Yesterday was 308.4, today was 305.6.

Who am I to complain?

Let's just hope it stays that way this time. It'd be nice to have a sub-300 weigh-in by next Sunday, huh?

Dont'cha Wish Your (Significant Other) Was Hot Like Me?

Actually, I don't see much difference. Maybe a slightly slimmer face, and a little attitude. But I noticed I was wearing "the shirt", so I thought I'd take a 5-month comparison pic to see.

I GREATLY prefer how I look without my glasses on, so I hope to be able to get an exam and a few boxes of contacts soon. The glasses just hold me back, baby.

Carry on, and have a great weekend!

Not On My Watch

(The following blog entry will likely have several swear words of varying offensiveness spread throughout. Please don't read it if you feel you may be offended by such foul language.)

So, my last few posts have been very self-deprecating and depressing.

"I suck. Life hates me. I can't...go...on..."

I've come closer to quitting that I care to admit, though I admitted it, anyway. I feel like I've let people down who may have come here to receive motivation. I don't like quitting, so the fact that I even considered it pisses me off. I've been through hell these last few years, and I've always been able to look at myself in the mirror after a shit-storm passed and be proud of what I saw - a man who stood tall, took a beating, and lived to tell about it.

Listen, life DOES suck for me right now. I don't know if I've ever felt more beaten than I do right this very moment. If I told you EVERYTHING we've been dealing with, I don't think any of you would blame me for feeling this way.

But here's what I'm going to say instead:

Fuck it. I'm not quitting. I never have, and I never will. If I quit, life wins. And life doesn't deserve to win. Life is my enemy right now. Life kicks me in the ribs, I get back up and smile in it's face.

"You ain't so bad."

Life wants to tell me it can get worse?

"Bring it."

Life wants to take my stereo? Fine. But it can't take my attitude. It can't take my will. It can't take my resolve.

"I never even use that stereo, bitch."

I don't know what just happened, but about 15 minutes ago, in the midst of having two kids crying, and wishing I could go get a freaking exam for contacts, I heard something click.

It was like somebody flipped a switch that was turned off without my knowledge. In the blink of an eye, my energy popped back to 100%. My attitude was restored.

"What the hell have I been doing these last four days? Who blogged about all that crap? Screw this, man. Time to flip the script on 'depressing Kevin'."

And I did. I just did 15 push ups. I've eaten 100% clean today. I've been playing with my kids (between poopy diapers). I've been singing. I want Becky to come home NOW so we can spar some more.

I feel like the Kevin from three weeks ago, who dropped under 310 for the first time.

Now, 299 is soundly in my sights. If that little bastard thinks it's going to get away that easily, it's a moron. And 299 is just the start. 280? You're next. 260? I'm coming for you.

Life-

You've tried to keep me down. You beat the shit out of me. I'm bruised. I'm broken. But I'm not beaten.

This isn't over.

You've been warned.

[/rant]

The KA Curse Continues

Yeah. So...

Remember the scene from "Tommy Boy" where Spade and Farley are sitting on the park bench in Chicago? They'd already lost Callahan Auto, Big Tom had recently passed away, Tommy lost his girlfriend, and they couldn't sell 500,000 brake pads.

And there they were on the bench, already beaten down by the world...

Then the bench broke under Tommy's weight.

"Coulda done without that," said Tommy.

Well, last night, I had two park benches break on me.

1. We turned our stereo receiver on for the first time in a good month so we could listen to Blake from American Idol (sue me, I like the show) rock "You Give Love a Bad Name" on the big daddy speakers. Well, about 15 seconds in, it died. For no reason, and out of nowhere. It's our only stereo, and we don't have the petty cash at hand to go replace it.

"Coulda done without that."

2. Beck and I were sparring last night, having a good time, and starting to work up a sweat. Then I hit the punch mit with a right hook. Then the pain shot from my knuckles up to my elbow. I tried to keep going, but it hurt a little too badly, and I didn't want to risk seriously hurting anything. So, I got about 10 minutes of exercise in last night, then was forced to stop.

"Coulda done without that."

In the scheme of things, these aren't major issues. But when they serve as "icing on the cake", it just adds the cliche' "insult to injury."

Whatever.

On to more interesting topics.

I want to share with you all who I was when I was in shape, and who I'm trying to be again.

Simply put, as recently as five years ago (closer to six), I was a bad man. Not Michael Jackson "bad", but more Muhammad Ali "bad".

I was working out 3-4 days a week, doing anything from running, to weights, to basketball. I could bench 225 eight times. I could dunk the basketball. I was once unofficially timed with a 40 time of 4.78. I used to chase men with crowbars through parking lots because they stole sudafed from my store. I used to wrestle guys to the ground, put my knee on their neck, and place them in cuffs for trying to steal a printer. I've had knives pulled on me. I've had my life threatened. I've been in a good 8-10 knock-down, drag-out fights - for money.

I was 6' 8", 245. My head was Mach 3'd. My goatee was neatly trimmed. I wore dark sunglasses over my contacts.

I was a bad man.

People feared me. And if they didn't fear me, they respected me.

Being fat has turned me into this teddy bear type of guy, and that's the identity I've had to embrace. Unlike what you guys were talking about yesterday, I, nor anybody I've ever known, has seen "fat" as "intimidating." I was called "a wall" as recently as last summer. I was told I would scare the hell out of anybody I'd apprehend at the doors. OTHERS saw my 6' 8", 360-pound frame as intimidating, but I never saw myself as anything but "fat."

Most of you know me as the fat, teddy bear Kevin. The guy who comes on here and whines about life, and quotes Rocky movies. You see me as the guy who shares his feelings with the 112 visitors that come to this page each day.

And I guess I am that person, but not by choice.

Underneath all of this, the real Kevin is waiting to come back out. He's the one who wants to box three rounds with a trainer in a few months. He's the one who still has an occasional craving to be a cop. He's the one who glares at the guy in the store for cutting him off with the cart, hoping he mouths off and tries to start something.

I'm a bad man. Somewhere in there.

I'm not sure why it's so important to me that I tell you all of this. It's just something I wanted to get out there. I guess part of me feels like you're getting to know a "me" that isn't really "me." What you see here is a part of my real identity, but it's not who I am. It's not what defines me. On here, I'm just a guy trying to lose weight. You guys only see that part of me. I guess I'm kind of ashamed that fat Kevin is the only Kevin you know. Well, there's more to me than the whiny, fat, "poor me - life is so hard" Kevin.

The REAL Kevin? He's a bad man.

I Have a Confession to Make

Nothing I'm proud of, but I was ready to quit over the last 48-72 hours.

I missed two blogging days for the first time in months. I've been eating out of emotion (nothing bad, just too much). I've had daily migraines, so I've done about 20 push ups this week as my excercise. I've been lazy. I haven't cared about much more than sleep over the last few days.

I've eluded to it before, and I'm not at liberty to discuss it in detail, but Beck and I are going through a lot right now. The stress really is coming at us from a variety of angles, and I'm not dealing with it too well.

I'll say this much: I've spent the last five years getting the crap kicked out of me by life. I've felt like a failure, a loser, a jerk, a bad husband/dad; I've felt worthless, and disrespected. And things keep happening that further shove those feelings right down my throat. It's not fun, and I'm not handling it well. For several of those years, I was standing strong, like a mighty oak in a storm. But now, it takes all of my strength just to look out the window at the howling winds. And I don't want to step outside to face them.

It didn't help that my weight went from 306 to 310 from drinking too much over the weekend. Going all the way back to 310 took what wind I had right out of my sails. It was discouraging, and it took the heart right out of me. I've fought hard to stay as close to the track as I could, and I'm back to 308. But that's what hurts - "Back to 308". I already beat this number once, and here it is laughing at me, again.

So, that's how I've spent the last three or so days - struggling to keep my head above water. I'm not here today to tell you that I'm back in full force, or to give you a Rocky-like speech about how life is hitting me, but I keep getting up. The truth is, it's knocked me down so many times that I don't want to get up. But I'm TRYING to get up, and that's the best I can do right now.

The only thing keeping me going is the fact that I don't want to be fat again. I hated it, and now that I'm classified as "obese" and not "morbidly obese", I want to keep that going. "Fit" can't be too far away.

So, I'm not done. I haven't quit. Though I do admit that I came close. I don't have the same fire and energy that the rest of you in the coalition seem to have, and I wish I did. But as long as my family is in the situation we're in, I don't think I'm capable of anything more than I have right now.

But as long as I have something left in the tank, I'll keep moving forward.