Yes.

That's my answer.

What's the question?

"Do I want more?"

Here's the thing: I never wanted to be a Men's Health model. Never wanted to be "ripped" and "cut." Never wanted to be a health nut, eating only organic herbs and veggies I'd never heard of. My only goal in this whole thing was to be better, stronger and faster then when I started in November.

I am. No doubt about it.

And that's my problem.

That photo of me two posts down? I, in my own mind, look GREAT. It's the best picture I've ever taken, actually. If that is how other people see me, than I am a very happy man. I look strong. I look like somebody who deserves respect. I could stay looking like that for the rest of my life, and I'd be thrilled.

But I'm making the public decision today to go for more. I look good in that picture, but I could look better. I look strong in that picture, but I could look stronger. The person in that picture is worthy of respect, but I could look like somebody who demands it.

Better, Stronger, Faster. It's a great motto, right? But why not go for My Best, My Strongest, My Fastest? I think it's time I did.

I still have a LOT of obstacles in my way.

My foot won't allow me to do much in the way of high-impact activities. Excessive running is out. Long walks are possible, but I may have to keep them to five miles or under. I still have no bike. Not one that works, anyway. It's like riding with the rear brake on, and the handlebars sway with every bump. I have no friends, so football or basketball is out. No cash for a gym membership, boxing lessons, personal trainer, buy-in for a hoops/football league...the list goes on.

I know how I work, and it would benefit me GREATLY to incorporate something I love into my workouts. As much of a downfall as it is, I get bored easily. I need to keep my interest level up if I'm going to push forward.

So, that leaves the pool. Though I will try to modify my football conditioning workout (so it's a bit easier on my foot) and get back to that this week.

I'm not big into swimming, though I enjoy it. I can do it a few days a week for my cardio routine. I want to play football. I have a hunger for it. I know if I could get out there a few days a week and play some 5-on-5 touch football, then swim the other days, I'd see some changes. But I can't focus on what I "could" do, I have to focus on what I "can" do.

As for my eating, it's sometimes the most simple things that trip you up. I need to get back to counting calories and drinking water. I haven't done either in weeks. I'm aiming for 2,000 calories per day for the next seven days, along with 80 ounces of water - 10 8-oz. glasses a day. I take out two with dinner, so that leaves eight. At the end of seven days, I'll go back up to my RMR level of 2,400 calories. But I want to aim low for a while.

Will I become that health food guy? Nope. It's just not me. But gone are the strings of days where I eat crap for 5 out of 10 meals. No more "award system" junk food. No more "I deserve this, 'cause I've been doing really well." I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I won't eat a Snicker's in the next 10 days. I may very well. But my goal is to make the crap become the exception, not the rule. And not just an "exception." That leaves the door open for 19 of 40 foods I eat to be bad. No, I'm talking about making these foods scarce. Rare. Almost forgotten. I'm back to whole wheats, lean meats, fruits, veggies - the basics. I'm going back to what got me down almost 80 pounds.

Today, I'm taking part in a modified fast. No breakfast or lunch, and a reasonable dinner. That's it. And water, of course. I want to do this once a week. Staying under 1,000 calories every seven days. Why? No idea. Just to see if I can, I guess. I did it last week, and I was great up until 11pm. We were up late working, and I stared craving a PB sandwich. So I ate one. With a big glass of milk. And extra PB. So, I went from around 750 calories to about 1,100 in 10 minutes. Gotta do better than that.

I think I'm going to skip the September challenge, too. I need to do things for me right now. I haven't focused on my needs in this transformation over the last several weeks. I need to make sure I'm OK before I get back into the team thing. No offense to anybody, at all.

This is a battle with myself. It's not a war against fat. I'm the one who put it there. It's my fault. Wars aren't fought against bullets, but against the people shooting them at you. I've been shooting myself for a long time. I am not beating fat. I'm beating an unhealthy lifestyle, bad choices, lack of focus, scarce determination, and unimpressive drive. Those things are all 100% on me.

And now it's time for me to deal with it.

At a Crossroads

Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost

And here I am, at a crossroads. I haven't worked out or eaten great during this past week, thanks very much to deadlines, late nights, early mornings, and the stress of the publishing industry.

My goal was to maintain my 287-ish range, and I actually had a new low yesterday of 285.8, followed by a 286.6 today. Of that, I am proud.

But I'm not proud of the excuses I've made, of the choices I've allowed myself to make, or of the lack of progress I've achieved. My hope is that, now that we've gone to print, my routine can get back to normal. My back is still having issues - getting Graice out of the truck is painful at times. We're going to try to have our football get-together this Saturday, and I hope that will light a fire.

I don't even know what the future of this blog may be. I haven't thought twice about it this week, but I haven't thought about much more than our deadlines. Do I want to keep blogging? I don't know.

The money stress is bad, too. I can't focus on anything much outside of where rent will come from, or how we'll feed the kids next week. I know we always seem to find a way, but the fight to survive is wearing me down. Is it too much to ask for a little extra each month? Shoot, is it even too much to ask for us to break even? It gets old.

I love who I am now, and what I look like, but only compared to where I was this time last year. I want more. I want 260. I want a flat stomach. I want a lack of shame, and a feeling of pride. I want it all.

But I find myself questioning my abilities. Things keep coming at me, and though I've managed to stay standing this long, even mighty Oak trees can succumb to tornadoes. Not that I'm mighty. It's just a poor comparison.

I'm rambling, I guess. And for that, I apologize.

In short: Not sure what's next for me, right now. I feel like my feet are scrambling around below me like the guy from Riverdance. Except he controls his legs, and I feel like mine are acting on their own. I need to get my footing. I need to see my goals, and figure out how I can get to them in my current situation. My life isn't ideal right now. I'd change a LOT of things. But I guess everybody would, right? It's about making the best with what you have, and finding success with the tools you possess.

So, I'm at a crossroads.

Two roads diverged in a wood. One takes me in a circle - the status quo. The other takes me where I want to go. But that road is filled with bumps, holes, and dangerous terrain. That's the one less traveled, at least by me.

It's probably the one I need to head down.

It might make all the difference.

12 Months Ago, I Never Could Have Pulled This Off

It's for my "From the Editor" page in the paper. I like it. I don't like many pics of myself.

Taking Some Time

With all of the stress - Beck's job, my first deadlines with the paper, physical issues - I just don't have the time or energy to focus on the blog or the contest right now. I need to buckle down, get my work done, make sure my family is OK, make sure I'm healthy, etc.

I'm glad Beck is handling the job situation so well, because I'm not dealing with it too nicely. I just don't have it in me right now.

I'll be back in a few days when everything settles down a little. I'm not quitting, just taking a break.

Billy has NOTHING on me

Billy's all "Look at my definition 'down there!' I'm so buff and cool!" Man, I've got a better, more visible line than Billy has, and I've had it for YEARS! See for yourself!


Truth is, I'm sick today, I'm stressed about our situation and the fact that it's deadline week with the paper, and I thought this might be worth a laugh to some of us.

I apologize for the close up of my general "area." That was highly inappropriate.

Not Cool

I understand as well as anybody that not every day can be a major victory. But I also know that when somebody is struggling, they need a string of positives to help get them out of a rut. And I know that getting kicked while down makes it tough to get up and keep moving.

Well, I've been working my tail off with clean eating and staying active with my back and stomach issues. I stayed at 2,046 calories yesterday, plus we went shopping and I walked a lot around the grocery store. Not a great workout by any means, but just trying to keep moving with my current limitations.

I had steady drops the last four days, going from 290 and change to a 268.8 yesterday. I fully expected, after eating great yesterday, that I would at LEAST hold in the 268's, maybe even drop to a new low.

So, I was dismayed when I woke up to see a 287.4 on the scale.

I know that I can't make strides every day, and my last few days have seen me drop about 2.5 pounds off after last week's screw up. But I wanted to see another good day. I wanted a good weigh-in for the challenge.

I just feel so freaking limited right now. My back feels better today, but this stomach thing I have going on is really getting to me. And the paper goes to print this week, so every second seems to be a work second. Free time will be less-than-scarce for the next six days.

It's frustrating.

/vent

Back in the Driver's Seat

Well, it's been a long road back from my most recent food-related screw-up. I spent several days in the 290's, many more in the 289's, and a few in the 288's. After dropping back into the 287's for a day, I was back up to 288+ for the last two.

But today I am back at 286.8, just .4 pounds off of my lowest weight in my transformation. That's the good news.

The bad news is that my back is still hurting, and I've had an insane stomach ache for three days, now. There isn't much I can do without one or the other hurting. Walking requires standing upright, which hurts. Swimming requires arm and back movement, which hurts. Running. Jumping. Standing. Laying. All hurt.

So, I decided I'd take a few days off of working out, this time by my own free will, not out of laziness or lack of focus. My goal these next couple of days is to stay at 2,000 calories or less, and pack in the fiber, as I have a feeling my stomach ache is fiber-related.

I'm not worried about my focus or my determination at all right now. It's unfortunate that I had this back injury right when I was getting fired up for the last few days of the month, but the journey doesn't end with August. Yes, I'm way off track with my goals, now. But that doesn't mean I'm done going after them.

This time, I'm driving.

As for my goal of hitting 279.8 by 9/1, I don't see it happening at this point. I'll still try for it, and maybe my back will be great tomorrow and I can get back into the swing of things. The goal is to get as close to 279.8 as I can. If that means I hit the number, great. If it means I hit a new low, great. If it means I'm putting in 100% effort, but I stay at 286? Well, at least I know I'm doing everything I can.

Let's see what happens, shall we?

This isn't the important post

The one below this one is the meat for the day, but I did want to bring something up.

This picture:


Was supposed to be funny. I was going to post it with the title "In case you were wondering." But I almost didn't post it at all, because I think I look atrocious in it. Like, really, really, fat. Just plain nasty. In all truth, I'm a little ashamed to be posting it here. I just think it's an embarrassing picture.

But my question is why? Is it inner fat? Years of thinking I look horrible in pictures keeping me from seeing a decent one? Is it my recent struggles coming through? Weeks of failure making me feel as though I'm just as fat as ever?

I don't know what it is, but I don't like it.

Awesome looks NOTHING like that.

So, here's a story for you.

First, let me tell you that I sneezed on Saturday. When I did, I felt a twinge in my back. It hurt at first, but it went away. That was that, I guess.

I'm all pumped, been working out, eating right, losing weight, getting back to my pre-disaster weight, etc, right? So, Beck and I head to the park to do my conditioning workout. We get over there, I walk her through the routine, and we start.

I get about 3/4 through the routine, and I'm feeling GREAT. I knew for a fact that I'd be able to get through three circuits. I felt faster and stronger than I did two days before. It was great. Then I start my tuck jumps. On my third jump, something in my back pops. I mean, it POPPED. I landed, and dropped to my back in the same motion.

I spent much of the rest of the day motionless in my bed with hot/cold compresses and ibuprofen. Now, two days later, I'm still hurting, though not as badly as I was.

I still plan on heading to the pool today and doing some light work - just enough to get my heart pumping. And I want very badly to head back to the park and run through my circuits tomorrow. If I was actually feeling improvement between workouts like that, than I need to stick with it. Maybe I'll just skip the tuck jumps for the day.

As for eating, I've been doing OK. Yesterday's schedule was not conducive to solid eating, as we were running all over the place. The worst I had was some all-natural chips from Wild Oats. We had a couple of small banana nut muffins (made with wheat flour), a turkey breast sandwich on wheat bread, a power bar, etc. I think the chips were worse than I allowed myself to believe at the time. They were about 11 calories per chip, which made it easy to have "just one more."

But I realize that this is a constant struggle. There will always be temptations, roadblocks, schedule issues, limited food choices...and even back pain.

I think I'm at a point in this transformation where I need to find creative ways around those things. I've lost 70+ pounds by doing really well for 80% of the time, not great 12% of the time, and really bad the other 8% of the time. But I think I've gone as far as I can with that breakdown of effort.

This is just another hill to climb.

I'm Back

287.6

Not a great weigh-in, but I've fought my way back to where I was before my last screw up. Next stop: 279.8

Boo Yah.

It Dropped

This is the other shoe. We've been waiting for it to drop since Beck found about her work situation. Well, I don't think either of us want to go into too much detail right now, but we'll just say that this shoe dropped a few minutes ago.

We just can't win. We can't catch up, much less get ahead.

This has to stop.

Random Toughts

Don't really feel like investing a lot of time in the blog today, so I'll just type out some quick hits.

> Yesterday might have been my best workout since I started this thing. It was intense. I'm hurting in places I haven't hurt in years.

> I'm proud of myself today. I wanted to quit several times yesterday, but I didn't let it happen. I kept pushing. I finished what I set out to do.

> It's only been three days of being clean and active, but my weight is up .4 from yesterday, and only down .8 since Monday. I expect more than that.

> Pool today, back to my plyo/football workout tomorrow.

> A great thought from Jamie Foxx in the current issue of Men's Health: Get up every morning and challenge yourself.

> My new 'motto': BFS. Bigger, Faster, Stronger.

More later...

But this should sum up how I feel this morning...

Not meant to be?

So, first I got to my crappy bike, and realized the front tire was flat. So, I pumped it up. Then I realized that the tube was out of the rim, so I had to deflate the tire and start from scratch.

Not a good start.

So I finally hit the road, and I ride the 1.2 miles to the football field, where I see that an actual football team is practicing.

Not sure what to do, I think to myself how glad I am that I at least got a 2.5 mile bike ride in.

Then I realize that there's a park another 1/2 mile up the trail, so I head there.

It's empty and open.

The workout begins.

I gotta say, I made it through the first half of my first circuit, and I knew I'd be able to double the original two circuits I had laid out as my goal. I was breathing hard, and I was pushing myself, but it was the "hurt so good" kind of pain that I was feeling.

So I kept going.

About 1/2-way through my second circuit, it hit me. I was wasted. I had no gas left in the tank. All I wanted to do was go hit the picnic table, chug some water, and head home.

So I did my tuck jumps.

And I sprinted 30 yards.

And I did my last set of push ups.

Now, to be honest, my last set of push ups was tough. I got to six, and the voice in my head said "Annnnnnnd we're done." But the voice was wrong. I had four more to go. And they were the ugliest, slowest push ups ever performed. But I did them.

The 1.7 miles home was tough. My legs had nothing left. Finally, I got home, climbed my three flights of stairs, showered, and guzzled water.

Good news/bad news:

Good - I did it.
Bad - My surgery foot is killing me.

No way can I do this again tomorrow as I had planned. Instead, I'll hit the pool, and I'll try this again on Saturday. Maybe Beck can join me.

Here's how the workout actually went, with my original plan in parenthesis:

Sprint - 10 yards
Push ups - 10 reps
Lateral hurdle - 20 reps (10 reps)
Sprint - 20 yards
Body Weight Squats - 20 reps, then 15 (15 reps)
Push ups - 10 reps
Tuck jumps - 10 reps
Sprint - 30 yards
Push ups - 10 reps

This has been a very scattered post, and I apologize for that. But I hope you get the idea.

Quickie

So, on a day that is supposed to be a new beginning, there are a handful of things that would be really bad. One of those things? Being sick all night.

Yes, I was up most of the night with major stomach issues. I have one of those sick headaches, and my gut is still in knots, with a side order of rumbles.

No doubt in my mind, Old Kevin would call in sick for his first workout today.

New Kevin will not.

As long as I can walk, I'll get to that park to do my workout.

On another note, since my oldest was born, both of my kids have been under direct parental leadership at all times. Much of the time, Beck and I both worked from home, so we were both here. But at least one of us has always been here with the kids.

Well, that changed today, as Beck just left with the girls to drop them off at their babysitter. They will be out of the house twice per week, allowing me to work uninterrupted each of those days. I love them to death, but for me to get any real writing done for the paper, they'd have to be asleep or gone. So, we went with gone.

I'm sick about it. I've never liked the idea of day care, though I know how truly necessary it is. I just feel like I'm shipping them off because work is more important than they are, or because I just don't want them around while I get stuff done. I know neither of those things are true, but it's part of the separation anxiety I'm going through this morning.

I know they just think they're going to play with the kids. And Riley could not have been happier this morning. But I feel like I'm letting them down in some way. I'm glad they don't know the difference right now.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that off of my chest. If there's any interest, I'll be back later to blog about my new workout, how much pain I'm in, what I had to add/remove/change, etc.

Tomorrow's Workout

If you haven't read the post below this, please do.

Here's what I'll do 3-4x per week, starting tomorrow:

Sprint - 10 yards
Push ups - 10 reps
Lateral hurdle - 10 reps
Sprint - 20 yards
Body Weight Squats - 15 reps
Push ups - 10 reps
Tuck jumps - 10 reps
Sprint - 30 yards
Push ups - 10 reps

I'll do at least two rounds of that workout, with no more that 60 seconds of rest between moves. I may take five between rounds, however. Cause I'm gonna be pooped.

Turning the Page - This is a LONG Post

I've been in this chapter for too long. It's time to move on to something I haven't read, yet. I'm getting anxious to see how this book ends.

But the only way to get to the end of the book is to take what I've read on the page I've been stuck on, remember it, and turn the page - finally.

To get a full understanding of the story, you have to remember everything about your book. Too often, especially when I was younger, I'd skim through a book, and when I got to the end, I'd already forgotten who some of the important, but non-key-players were. The book would reveal WHO committed the crime, but without remembering the details on previous pages, I didn't always understand WHY they did it.

So as I turn the page today, I don't want to forget the difficulties I've faced, or the weakness I've given in to. Those are pieces of who I am becoming on this journey. Failure defines a man just as much as success does - maybe more. Your character is molded out of trials and tribulations, not easy going. Anybody can succeed when they never have a problem or a fight. You become who you want to be by withstanding the onslaughts, taking the direct hits, falling six times - getting up seven.

So today, I focus on the next chapter. I look ahead to what I will be, not what I've been.

Here's some info I never blogged about, but felt today was a good day for it.

Everybody but me, it seems, as blogged about their great shopping experiences. They talked about all the new clothes they can fit into, how great they look in XL's, instead of XXXL's. I've always felt a little left out, as my body has never been one to allow me to drop sizes like that. Even at my best weight (239), I was wearing XXL, mainly because I'm 6' 8", and I have very broad shoulders.

Still, when all your current shirts are WAY too big, but the next sizes down are always WAY too small, you feel caught in that flux that everybody else has been able to escape.

I decided I'd shop for clothes when I hit the 260's. No point in doing it before then.

But then I got fed up with my XXXL's. They were too hangy, and, to be honest, they made me look fat. So, I decided to start the XXL search.

What you are about to see is me in my first XXL shirt in over four years - probably more like five. I purchased the shirt at Wal Mart(!) to wear to the Joe Sakic Celebrity Bash I'm covering for my paper next week. I had to find something casual yet professional.

I will not be wearing the shorts or the cheesy grin to the party.


What you will see now is me in one of my long-time nemesis', a white undershirt. For those of you who wear them, you know they may as well be spandex, as they show every fold on your torso. I've always hated being seen in them, but I noticed I no longer looked disgusting in them, so I had beck take a pic of me to see if I looked the same way to others. I was pretty OK with the results.


Lastly, you see my oldest daughter flexing. It has nothing to do with my weight-loss, but it was cute, so you get to see it.


The moral of the story is this: I'm moving forward. Yesterday, the train started moving again. I ate clean all day, I'll do the same today, and tomorrow (no kids!), I'll be riding 2 miles to the football field, where I'll be putting myself through a football conditioning workout I found online yesterday. Then I'll ride 2 miles back.

You guys should stick around. This is about to get good.


EDIT:

This is what I'll be doing, starting tomorrow.

For speed, sprint. For strength, we'll do bodyweight exercises. Again, coaches and trainers of advanced athletes would say you have to do things beyond sprinting to help speed, and some would say bodyweight exercises are not sufficiently challenging to develop the kind of strength we need here.

But keep in mind these are beginning athletes. Sprinting itself, if an athlete has not been on any kind of a program for speed, will help bring out the athlete's latent abilities-you might say it will express their speed, same with bodyweight exercises regarding strength. (Advanced athletes, also, can incorporate these, of course, into their more complex programs.)

Some football greats have largely developed and honed their speed and strength via sprinting and bodyweight resistance exercise. Herschel Walker comes to mind, there are others.

The purpose of this article, though, is to get to the weight-training, so we'll cover the bodyweight exercises (calisthenics) and sprinting only briefly. But again, it doesn't mean they're not important.

Bodyweight Exercises

Train the bodyweight exercises, such as push-ups, pullups/chins, bodyweight squats, calf raises, dips, three non-consecutive days per week.

Repetitions and sets are up to you. Start with a half-hour total for each workout, then work up to an hour or even more if you can. You need to develop the repeated ability (stamina/endurance) to do these physical tasks, and it will help you develop the ability to get through football practices as well. Either on three other days or after your bodyweight exercises, do a series of sprints.

Sprints

You can include sprints various distances, such as forty yards, twenty yards, one hundred yards. You need to ease into the program with both the amount of sprints and the rest times between these. As you are new to this, you will be surprised at the fatigue this creates. But as you build up to it, you will handle it better and you'll make progress in your speed.

Do no long distance running on this program, although you may occasionally run up to a mile; occasional quarter-miles or 220's might suit you better. But emphasize the football distances, the shorter sprints.

You will be surprised at how much even a five to fifteen minute workout will help you at this stage of your development. You may make dramatic progress in speed and stamina just from these workouts.

Keep up this program for at least six weeks; twelve might be better.

Enough!

Yes, I am. Very much so, in fact.

I am pissed at my constant failure.
I am pissed that one bad day takes six good days to counter-act it.
I am pissed that I can't control my food cravings.
I am pissed that I don't have a real workout buddy.
I am pissed that I can't afford a gym, or boxing classes.
I am pissed that we can't buy somebody to come play football with us on the weekends.
I am pissed that I have to keep hitting reset on my weight loss.

Yet here I am, hitting reset once again.

I'm sick and tired of trying to find ways to justify bad eating or not working out. It falls to me to make it happen, and I don't. At least not recently. I've been stuck in the upper 280's for three weeks, now. Thanks to my screw up of a weekend, I jumped back over 290 twice - once after a clean eating day.

It annoys me to no end that I find myself back at square one - again. I've been slacking in every area recently. No counting calories. No working out (except Sunday). No food control (until yesterday). No water.

Everything I know I need to be doing, I'm screwing up with. And here I sit with an average two pounds UP from where I started on 8-1. Again, I find it horribly annoying that two bad dinners can affect you leaps and bounds more than 11 good dinners. I've had maybe four bad days in August, which leaves me with 10 good ones. Yet, I've gained two pounds this month.

Man, that just pisses me off.

But I've already mentioned that.

I have nobody but myself to be mad at this morning. And that's exactly who is getting the K-Dog wrath. I am the one who eats the ice cream. I am the one who takes the extra pieces of pizza. I am the one who won't hit the pool.

I am the one who controls my actions.

My kids are going into part time day care starting Thursday. That will leave me with a wide-open schedule two days per week, and a help with the kids from Becky another two days. That means I now have four days per week with no excuse not to workout. I can hit the pool any time of day. I can go on one of my 3-4 mile walks. On weekends, we can take the kids to the park, let them play, and Beck and I can run routes and toss the ball. I'm still sore from Sunday.

I have to do it. It falls to me.

I Want These

Quickly, awful weekend. Stressful, hot, drunken eating binges Friday and Saturday. I don't even know how it happened. I can't look back and find one moment where things just fell apart. It just was not a good weekend food-wise.

We tried to recover yesterday by going to the park and running each other through some tough football drills in the 90-degree temps.

I'm sore today, so we must have done something right.

Anyway, it's Monday, so time for a fresh start.

If anybody knows where I can get some CHEAP Plyometric steps or boxes, let me know. I was doing some research today, looking for some good strength and conditioning workouts for football. I found several sites that gave some outstanding upper and lower body workouts using some plyometric steps like these:

These enable you to do modified push ups, dips, single-leg squats, Romanian deadlifts, and tons of leaping and running moves that help both your leg strength and your cardio health. Several workouts made the claim that you could do entire total-body workouts with these steps. Add in some 10, 25, and 40-yard sprints, and you're good to go.

The problem is, the cheapest set of three (12", 18", 24") I can find is roughly $299. That ain't gonna happen for quite a while.

One other thing that caught my attention is that at least one site I went to said that plyometric workouts should only be done by well-conditioned athletes. I am neither well-conditioned, nor an athlete, so I don't know where that leaves me.

Anyway, moot point right now. No dinero, no plyometric boxes.

Not Much To Say

Weigh In: 287.0
5-Day: 287.4

Went to see Transformers last night, and didn't have time to eat dinner before hand. Considered skipping, but I was hurting for food when I got home at 11:30pm. So, I ate dinner at 11:45pm. I stayed well under my calories for the day, but I think the late dinner skewed my morning weigh in a little. No biggie.

Tomorrow is going to be an active day. We'll be at Bandimere Race Way all day for jet car races (Beck is driving!), and there will be lots of heat and lots of walking. I hope to sweat some fat out.

We're off today, gonna get some family stuff done. Everybody have a great weekend!

Yin and Yang and PB Cups

Yin: Yesterday's 289 Weigh In.
Yang: Today's 287.2 Weigh In.
5-Day: 287.4
Calories Counted: Not sure. No more than 1,800

We had a business dinner here at our place last night. Beck made some kick-booty stir fry, with our choice of brown or white rice - I chose brown. Needing to flash some sort of dessert skills for my boss, Beck went to her fall back option - homemade peanut butter cups. Those things happen to be one of my greatest weaknesses. She makes a 9x13 pan full of them, and it makes roughly 30 small bars, each worth abut 200 calories. So, that's a pan full of 6,000 delicious calories.

I went into dinner having consumed about 700 calories. Dinner was no more than 500 additional, though I didn't count it up. I then ate two peanut butter cups (spread out over 90 minutes), by far my lowest singe-session intake of PB Cups since I was a kid. And I finished the night off with one Mike's Hard Cranberry.

There were six of us, so it was my assumption that the pan would be just about empty by the time everybody went home. That meant I wouldn't have the need to fight off any more PB Cup cravings for the night. Well, there was still 2/3 of a pan left. So, I had Beck cut out two more cups. One for me, one for my daughter. The rest, she packed up on a plate and took into her coworkers.

I'll allow myself one more, and I'll make sure I give myself the 200-calorie bumper with which to eat it - cut out an afternoon snack, or shorten my dinner portion, etc. I know, it's not as good as having ZERO, but after my post yesterday about having no self-control, I'm kind of proud today that I will have eaten a total of THREE PB Cups, when my average is about 12-15.

When you struggle, I guess you take the victories - big or small - wherever you can find them.

Just for Fun

Sorry, Billy. Looks like I get to be 007.

James Bond, Agent 007		58%
Maximus		54%
Indiana Jones		50%
The Terminator		50%
Lara Croft		46%
Batman, the Dark Knight		42%
William Wallace		42%
Captain Jack Sparrow		42%
El Zorro		38%
The Amazing Spider-Man		33%
Neo, the "One"		29%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

FAT on MySpace

If anybody would like to add to the FAT profile, let me know. I'll give you the sign-in and the password, and you can create your own photo folder, upload before and after images of yourself, etc.

The page will be

http://www.myspace.com/fat_coalition

Self Destruction

Weigh-In: 289.0
5-Day: 287.48

In case you're wondering, the image is of a self destruct button. It's the button that I push every time I get close to making progress out of the 280's. Upon pushing it, I lose all control, eat 3/4 of a large pizza, and put on two pounds overnight.

You'll never get me to believe that there is such a thing as food addiction. I'm sorry if that offends anybody, but I just don't buy it. In fact, as I see any addiction as an inability to take control of your situation. And I say that as somebody who, in his teens, had a few issues with things. Nothing major, don't worry. Just stuff I should have known better about.

But I digress...

I don't have a food addiction. But what I do have, and it's becoming painfully obvious recently, are MAJOR self-control issues. I mean, MAJOR. I get around food, and I eat it because it's there. Even after 10 months of this transformation, I still have not been able to gain 100% control over my desire to eat food that's sitting in front of me. I mean, I've greatly improved my eating, as I don't think you can lose 70+ pounds unless you do. But I have not overcome the food issues, yet.

I'm in the camp that believes there's nothing wrong with an occasional bad meal. Chinese, Pizza, Burgers - in moderation, and if you keep control, are acceptable. But the key word is moderation. Keep the bad food to a minimum. Make it a rarity that you eat those things. Keep yourself on top of your game in other areas, and the few times you go back to the bad food won't knock you down.

I still haven't mastered the moderation thing, and it's starting to hurt me. Beck stopped herself, and didn't go over her calories for the day. I stopped myself, too. For about 30 minutes. Then I was back in the pizza box for another 250 calorie slice. Then I stopped, and we put the pizza away. And 30 minutes later I was in the fridge, grabbing another 250 calorie slice.

This is a lesson I still haven't learned. Keep the foods out of reach, and when they ARE in reach, control yourself. My failure to do so has had incredible impact on my weight loss. When I'm 100% - working out, eating clean, etc - I average about 3 pounds per week of loss. I went back and looked at the most recent 4-5 weeks where I KNOW I was on my game, and I saw a 2.8 pound per week loss those weeks. Not saying I'd always lose that weight if I stayed 100%, but take the weeks where I lost nothing or gained, and say I'd lose an even 2 pounds those weeks. That would put me at roughly 268 today. Instead, here I sit on the verge of 290, again.

Do single bad meals screw you over? Nope. But do they start to add up? You bet.

I need to take control again. This is getting insane.

Quickie

Weigh In bounced back up to 287.4, which makes sense, since I ate 100% clean and stayed below my 2,400 yesterday.

Work and family life has me swamped, so I still haven't gotten in any real workout this week. It's supposed to storm tonight, so the pool doesn't look so good.

Hopefully I can get back into the 286's tomorrow.

Rainy Days and Sundays Always Get Me Down

Weigh In: 286.8
Weight Lost in August: -2.8 pounds
Calories Counted: Nada

So, we had our get together on Saturday.

Neat.

First, of the 20+ people we invited, not a soul showed up. Many already had plans, and it was only a 5-day notice, so I guess I can understand that. Still, for somebody with serious self-esteem issues, it wasn't fun to host a party where NOBODY showed up.

So, Beck and I decided to do a little picnic, toss the ball around, let the girls play, etc. We'd be sure to salvage the day the best we could.

And then the rains came.

Yeah, they came with a fury. Lightning, thunder, winds, cats and dogs - you name it. So, that ended our party day.

Then came Sunday.

We decided we'd go do something fun. Didn't know what, but we started the minds working, trying to figure something out.

With financial concerns, no friends to hang with, and a need to go get groceries, our fun activity was to go to Wal Mart and get groceries. We hate Wal Mart, but they are the cheapest grocery store in the state, so we deal with it.

One of the many reasons we hate the place are the hordes of inconsiderate jerks who cut you off, almost run over your daughters, glare at you if you dare get in their way, etc. If I were a lesser man, I'd beat the tar out of some of these morons.

So, while at WM, we decided to get something nice. Namely some Birthday Cake Ice Cream. If you've never tried it, it rules. It's by far our favorite ice cream in the universe. But we ate it. A lot of it.

Luckily for me, I'm being careful in other areas, so even though I had 1.5 cups of ice cream last night, I don't think I went over my 2,400 calories. If I did, it wasn't by much.

Still, I saw that 286.8 on the scale today, and realized I had gotten lucky. I ate out of emotion again, and it could have screwed me over. So, I consider the low weight a second chance. I need to get my head straight and re-focus on the week in front of me.

I'll get back to my Hundreds today, and I'll return to the pool tomorrow. I'd love to see a 295 on the scale by my Wednesday weigh-in.

We shall see.

SIDE NOTE:

I wasn't going to weigh myself today. Just didn't want to deal with it. But when I got out of bed and headed into the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked, and I just 'felt' thinner. I saw a little definition, I thought I saw some flatness on the sides of my abdominal area...you guys know what I'm talking about, right? I've only had that feeling once or twice before during this journey, and it kind of shocked me that I'd have it today.

But I'm glad I did.

Checking In

Weigh-In: 288.0
Weight Lost in August: -1.6 pounds
Calories Counted: Not a clue

Still here, just didn't have lots of time for blogging in the last 36 hours.

Some quick updates:

> Only had about a 30-minute window to work out yesterday, so I hit the pool for 30 minutes. I was still way sore from the Hundreds, and I had a migraine, but I went as hard as I could and made sure to get my heart rate up.

> I didn't do my second round of Hundreds yesterday, as I was still insanely sore from my first round. I will be sure to get them in today. I hate doing them, but I love how I feel after I have.

> I don't think anybody is showing up to our football get-together tonight, but we'll still go grill some chicken and broccoli, toss the ball around, and let the girls play. Better to be a little active than a lot sedentary.

Have a great weekend!

Ow.

Weigh-In: 288.8
Weight Lost in August: -.8 pounds
Yesterday's Calories: 1,049 (oops)

I swear I didn't mean to take in so few calories yesterday. I was busy with work, and I really wasn't hungry all day. After a small (and amazing!) dinner of chicken stir fry (chicken breast, broccoli, baby corn, carrots), I counted up my calories and saw that I wasn't even at 700 for the day. So, I had a larger-than-normal bowl of Fiber One Honey Clusters with a cup of 1% milk to get me up over 1,000.

I don't want to go below 1,800, even on days when I'm purposely eating less to make up for a high day. So, today I'll aim for 1,800, then get back into the 2,000's tomorrow.

I should also point out that I am typing this with my nose, as my arms are hanging limply by my side. Those things killed me, man. In the up position of a regular push up, we figured out that I'm supporting roughly 212 pounds. In the down position, that number increases slightly. So, to do the Hundreds the right way, I should be aiming for 55-60 pounds of weight. On a 45-degree angle (using the kitchen counter), we're assuming the amount of weight I'm supporting is around 127 pounds in the up position, and about 140-ish in the down position.

So, as I mentioned while talking to K in my comments yesterday, I'll aim for being able to finish at least 60 reps by the time the August challenge is over. I'm hoping for more, but I think 60 is realistic. Actually, now that I type that, it looks pretty small. Maybe I'll aim for 75.

As for today's cardio, I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll power clean the apartment, as that usually gets my heart rate up - a little jam playing in the background, vacuuming the floor, washing dishes. Manly.

But the pool is out, as it's only going to be in the low 80's here, and into the 70's by the time Beck gets home. Plus, the whole "can't move my arms" thing could be a problem. A walk is a possibility. Maybe I'll go for a quick 3-mile trek. That's 600 calories; more if I come home up hill. We'll see how the day plays out.

If you live in Colorado, you're invited out to a little bar-b-q/football thing this Saturday. Contact me if you're interested. Even if you don't live in CO, you're more than welcome to fly out.

Lastly, we finally watched 300 last night. The word that best describes my feelings on the film?

"Damn."

Maybe Not

Push Up Hundreds
I'll be going back to the kitchen counter for these. As I posted last night, I'll do 1 set of 100 reps, probably broken into 5 sub-sets of 20, though I hope to push myself further than that. No more than 60 seconds between sub-sets, and I'm not done til I count to 100.

Yeah, that may not happen.

For one, I can't lift 25% of what I'd normally lift when doing push ups. My assumption is that I'm lifting roughly 60% of what I'd lift by using a kitchen counter for my push ups. That ends up being more like 110 pounds, where I'm supposed to be lifting around 50. That adds up pretty quickly.

So quickly, in fact, that I got to 53 in four rounds, and I now cannot move my arms. My chest and shoulders are in LOTS of pain right now.

So, I'll have to re-think this. Maybe I aim for 50, and by the time August is done, I work up to 60? I dunno. But 100 just ain't gonna happen. 53 was true exhaustion. I'm gonna be hurting in the morning.

Welcome, David!

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My Battle Plan

First, thanks to Rob for allowing my wife and I to do this together. I think she and I both needed a boost right about now.

Second, I fully plan on losing my 10 pounds in August. I've been going the wrong way the last couple of days, and that's got to stop. It seems like every time I do something to make myself proud, I eat like crap and skip a workout, and I pop back up 2 pounds. I can't stop all of my crazy fluctuations, but I can sure stop bringing them upon myself.

Third, here's my rough plan for the next month. I still have to work out the cardio kinks, but we'll see what I can do.

Resistance

Performed Monday, Wednesday, Friday

Push Up Hundreds
I'll be going back to the kitchen counter for these. As I posted last night, I'll do 1 set of 100 reps, probably broken into 5 sub-sets of 20, though I hope to push myself further than that. No more than 60 seconds between sub-sets, and I'm not done til I count to 100.

Curls
My bicep measurement went down by .5" in the last 8 weeks. While that may have been fat loss, I don't want to take the chance. So, while it isn't a major muscle group, I'll be tossing in 2 sets of 10 reps using 30-40 pounds with each arm.

Squats
I don't have any weight to add on, so I'll be doing Prisoner Squats - arms extended above my head. I'll aim for 2 sets of 25 to start.

Cardio

Performed Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday

Here's where it might get tricky for me. As I've already mentioned - a lot - my foot isn't going to allow me to put much stress on it, anymore. So running is out, and long walks are likely out, though I may have no choice.

I'd like to keep swimming, but if I'm going to work my chest, shoulders, triceps and upper back to exhaustion on my weight days, I'll need to let them rest on my off days. Swimming isn't going to allow for much rest.

In an ideal world, I'll get to mix things up a little. Maybe take a family walk on a Tuesday night - 3 miles or so, if my arms can handle it, head to the pool for 45 minutes on Thursday, and run some routes with Becky for an hour or two on Saturdays. I'm not sure if the pool will happen, but I'll give it a shot tomorrow and see.

Food

Beck and I are both aiming for 100% clean eating this month. That is NOT going to be easy, especially for me. Here's my definition of 'clean eating':

No sugar in cereal
No breaded anything
No pizza, or fast food of any kind
No candy of any kind
No calorie-filled drinks besides V8, milk, or other 100% juices
No white rice or pasta
Only 100% whole wheat bread

Basic rules we've all been living by, but without giving myself the 10% allowance to screw up. I LOVE that 10%, so this ain't gonna be easy.

And that's about it. I'm looking forward to seeing my September 2nd picture. At that time I'll weigh at least 279.6, and I'll have been killing myself for the entire month. Some definition would be nice, too.

Good luck everybody. I hope that my determination with this means that you're going to need it.