Just some random, fitness-related thoughts floating through the spare room in my head...
- Change is Only Skin Deep
I've changed A LOT about myself in the last eight months. I think I've become a better husband. I hope I've become a better daddy to my girls. I know I'm healthier and more active. I've tried to become more understanding and caring. I've always put others before myself, but I hope I've done that well enough recently.
Still, I feel like the old Kevin. I don't feel like "I" have changed, I just feel like I'm acting as though I've changed. The shell that holds me looks and acts differently, but I just don't know how much change the person inside has experienced.
Hopefully enough.
- I'm Still Not 'Hot'
Same basic idea as above.
I've worked hard to get to where I am right now. I'm healthier now than I've been in over five years, and I look better today at 293 than I did five years ago at 280. But, having said all that, I'm still not the guy who women whisper about (OK, I am, but not in the good way). And it's not like I'm in the market for anything new. Beck and I have talked about this a LOT over the last year. It's a nice boost to the ego to have somebody tell you you're good looking, sexy, hot, whatever. Beck was told that she resembles JessicaBiel from 'Stealth' a few days ago. Whether or not she believed it, you have to assume that hearing a comment like that makes you feel pretty freaking good.
I don't want to be the hot one for anybody but myself. I want to feel good about who I am, and what I look like. I don't want to impress anybody. I don't want to get hit on. But I want to hear that what I'm doing is really turning me into the person I want to be.
I guess having a realization like this is good. It keeps you from really feeling good about where you are. You don't push as hard when you're content, I suppose. And as long as I still feel like I'm fat (hello! I'm still a good 35 pounds overweight!), I'll keep trying not to be.
This whole "ugly friend" thing has followed me since high school. All of my friends were the ones who got the girls, and the girls would come to me and ask me to tell my friends that they were hot. It got old after about eight years. It's just something that will bug me for a long time, I have a feeling. They say that the person you were in high school is the same person you are now, but they are buried under the layers of life you've added on. That's too bad, because I was never a big fan of high school Kevin.
Oh well. This transformation is all about change. So now I can invent the person I want to be.
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
- I Make Excuses
I do. It's bad sometimes.
The truth is, my foot STILL hurting from Saturday worries me. The last thing I need is a reconstructive surgery to repair my other two reconstructive surgeries.
So, I say I have to have a bike, or I can't exercise anymore. A bike would be very nice right now, yes. But I can walk. I can find an hour at night to go to our clubhouse and get on the elliptical. But I keep coming up with reasons why I can't do that. Some are legit, others are...not so much.
I might be the only Coalitioner without a gym, or a trainer, or with kids at home that I care for all day, or no bike, or no workout friends, etc, but I can make time. I can find the energy. It's mind over matter, and the matter is winning most days.
Could my situation be better? Yup. Could I do better with what I have to work with? Yup.
- I Want More From Life
Duh. Don't we all?
I've been through this before, but I'll quickly re-hash it.
I love my three girls more than anything in the universe. I am honored that I'm one of very few dads who get to spend all sorts of time with his daughters. I love having no schedule to live by. I love a lot of things about my life.
But I'm not who I want to be. I want to publish magazines. I want to be a writer. I want to provide amazing things for my family. I want to be "known."
I've always wanted to go into a Target, buy some Fruit of the Loom Boxer-Briefs, put my credit card down, and have the cashier say something like "Wait. Kevin Antcliff? THE Kevin Antcliff from '___________'? Wow. I love your stuff!"
It's that ego thing again, and I know that. But how cool of a feeling would that be?
Still, it would pale in comparison to making my family happy, and keeping them stress-free. I want to be a provider. I want to be the big, strong caveman who brings home the tiger that I killed with my bare hands.
Ugh.
- I Come Across Like a Whiner
And I don't mean to. It's my blog, so sometimes I ramble. What good is a blog if you can't share how you feel, r what you're thinking? These are some of the battles I fight everyday during this transformation, so I might as well discuss them, huh?
That's it. Everybody have a good one, and I'll talk to you tomorrow.
-KA
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5 comments:
I think I could write a very similar blog myself. Allot of your thoughts are shared among many of us I would guess. There is always room for improvement in life. Once you have no purpose or drive to achieve something else you are most likely dead. Keep your head to the grindstone, if you reach one goal there will always be more.
I need to find the "Hot" me soon or it will be too late at 32 I am pushing it.
Good blog, always a interesting read.
Good blog, Kev.
I think some of what you touched on is similar to the Inner Fat stuff we talked about. You can change your appearance, but you can't change your self image so easily. There's a book called Psycho-Cybernetics that addresses this issue, I've been meaning to read it.
I know what you mean, I was never the "Hot" guy. I was always the (varying degrees of) chubby guy. So, it's gotta go.
It's just that you don't feel good about yourself until you've done all you can, really, all you can, to be the best you can be, to be who you want to be. I like the quote about not finding yourself, but creating yourself. Says it all right there.
I think we're all right there with you man.
(xcrrskwv???)
Right. Well, Kevin, those negative thoughts are your critical inner thoughts saying those things to you, and I want you to replace those negative thoughts with someting positive - a daily affirmation.
Now, look in the mirror. Come on, don't look at me. Only you can help you. That's it. Say, "Hello, Kevin."
"I don't have to be a great person..."
"I don't have to write a book, or publish a magazine..."
"Because all I have to do is be the best Kevin I can be."
"Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!"
Now, don't you feel better?
********
Now, seriously, I've already told you what I think.
First, I respect you for being willing to post stuff like that about yourself. It takes a real man to be that brutally honest with himself, and truthfully, it's the only way to achieve change. I was talking to someone about compliments, and what they do. The truth is that even though they feel good, if you (you = a person, not Kevin) don't feel good about yourself, nothing anybody says can really change your self-image, and that's what it's all about. I think that losing weight does produce a lot of internal changes though, because you look up & realize that you're disciplined, goal-oriented, etc., and you may not look like (insert name of sexy person whose body you would like to have) but you look a hell of a lot better than you did before, and you have noone to thank for that but yourself! That's the real battle, to me. Now who's rambling? not me :)
As Billy said, this is a well written, well thought out blog. A lot of the time, I thought you were reading my mind. If it's any consolation, you're DEFINITELY not alone in these things.
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