The Run to 299 - Day 5 - A Special Interview

Pounds to 299.9: 7.33

Today's Weigh-in: 306.2
5-Day: 307.32

First things first, my body is crazy, man! The ONLY thing I've done differently over the last week is make sure I'm drinking my daily supply of water. That's it. I'm doing very little zig-zagging, my shoulder is still keeping my from really working out, and my schedule has kept me from partaking in an active lifestyle.

Still, with a weigh-in of 306.2 today, I tied my lowest weigh-in to date, and I dropped my average another .44 pounds in one day, and 3.4 pounds in the last seven days. With three weigh-ins of 307.8 or higher dropping off over the next three days, I have a real shot at dropping to the 305 range by Monday.

Now, with all of the weight dropping off, I'm very happy. But I can't please everybody - or everything.

Today I am pleased to bring you an exclusive interview with somebody who is, for lack of a better description, angry about my weight loss.

Please welcome the KA Lead Fat Cell, Sal Ulight.

KA: Sal, thanks for being here today.
Sal: Don't worry, I'm not going ANYWHERE.

KA: Sal, how do you feel about having lost so many friends and close associates over the last year?
Sal: It's never easy to lose friends. Most of us have been together since 2002, so we've really bonded. We used to hang out around your ass and talk about sports. But now, there are fewer of us.

KA: Sure, I can understand that. Tell me, how are you guys coping? I mean, those of you that are left?
Sal: Honestly, we're just trying to hang on. The water is hurting. We just don't like water. So, when water is in, it's tough for us to really do anything. It used to be that our business partners, the Calories, would show up en mass to help us cling to you, but now it seems even they are working against us.

KA: What do you mean?
Sal: Well, the Calories are still coming in, but it's almost like they're trying to flush us out. We don't hear much from the Little Debbie's or cheeseburgers these days. Instead we get whole wheat pasta, and beans. It's kind of a shock for us, but we're trying to find ways to adjust.

KA: So, how many of you are gone? And how many are left.
Sal: You know the answer to those questions. You post them here every day. Ass.

KA: I know, I just want to hear you say it.
Sal: Screw you, man. And the horse you rode in on!

KA: Come on, Sal. Let's handle this like adults, shall we? Let's think on the pleasant memories. Can you share something nice from the old days?
Sal: Yeah, I guess. (Pause) Well, I remember a few years ago, you got fired from a job you loved because you worked for that jerk. And, on the way out of the store, you stopped and got some of those Little Debbie's we all love so much, and you went home and ate 'em all. That was special.

KA: Are you crying?
Sal: No. Not at all. Maybe a little. Yes. Yes, I'm crying. You have to understand, those times were great for us. Our numbers were on the rise. We'd have parties in your arteries almost every week. It was tough to get some of to leave. Then, about a year ago, there were so many of us that we didn't know what to do! I mean, out of boredom we started closing your throat at night...

KA: Apnea!

Sal:Yep, that was on us. Anyway, we'd give you a massive heartburn just from thinking about a burrito...

KA: Reflux!

Sal: Yep, all us. Let me finish. We used to give you migraines every week. We used to make your joints ache. We made your face break out, too. You were a 6' 8", 360 pound Cedar Point for fat cells. And now...our lives are changing. We don't have enough of us left to do that to you anymore. We may break out the occasional headache, but our best days are behind us.

KA: Well, I sure hope you don't expect me to apologize for any of that.
Sal: You're selfish. You're a selfish ho!

KA: That makes no sense.
Sal: YOU make no sense. Why are you doing this to us?? WHY???

At that point, Sal left the room. I'm sad to be the one to report this, but after my weigh in of 306.2 this morning, down 1.6 pounds from yesterday, Sal has not been heard from. His friends and family members fear the worst. They have asked that I help you find him.