Realizations From a Fitter Dude

Just some random, fitness-related thoughts floating through the spare room in my head...

- Change is Only Skin Deep
I've changed A LOT about myself in the last eight months. I think I've become a better husband. I hope I've become a better daddy to my girls. I know I'm healthier and more active. I've tried to become more understanding and caring. I've always put others before myself, but I hope I've done that well enough recently.

Still, I feel like the old Kevin. I don't feel like "I" have changed, I just feel like I'm acting as though I've changed. The shell that holds me looks and acts differently, but I just don't know how much change the person inside has experienced.

Hopefully enough.

- I'm Still Not 'Hot'
Same basic idea as above.

I've worked hard to get to where I am right now. I'm healthier now than I've been in over five years, and I look better today at 293 than I did five years ago at 280. But, having said all that, I'm still not the guy who women whisper about (OK, I am, but not in the good way). And it's not like I'm in the market for anything new. Beck and I have talked about this a LOT over the last year. It's a nice boost to the ego to have somebody tell you you're good looking, sexy, hot, whatever. Beck was told that she resembles JessicaBiel from 'Stealth' a few days ago. Whether or not she believed it, you have to assume that hearing a comment like that makes you feel pretty freaking good.

I don't want to be the hot one for anybody but myself. I want to feel good about who I am, and what I look like. I don't want to impress anybody. I don't want to get hit on. But I want to hear that what I'm doing is really turning me into the person I want to be.

I guess having a realization like this is good. It keeps you from really feeling good about where you are. You don't push as hard when you're content, I suppose. And as long as I still feel like I'm fat (hello! I'm still a good 35 pounds overweight!), I'll keep trying not to be.

This whole "ugly friend" thing has followed me since high school. All of my friends were the ones who got the girls, and the girls would come to me and ask me to tell my friends that they were hot. It got old after about eight years. It's just something that will bug me for a long time, I have a feeling. They say that the person you were in high school is the same person you are now, but they are buried under the layers of life you've added on. That's too bad, because I was never a big fan of high school Kevin.

Oh well. This transformation is all about change. So now I can invent the person I want to be.

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

- I Make Excuses
I do. It's bad sometimes.

The truth is, my foot STILL hurting from Saturday worries me. The last thing I need is a reconstructive surgery to repair my other two reconstructive surgeries.

So, I say I have to have a bike, or I can't exercise anymore. A bike would be very nice right now, yes. But I can walk. I can find an hour at night to go to our clubhouse and get on the elliptical. But I keep coming up with reasons why I can't do that. Some are legit, others are...not so much.

I might be the only Coalitioner without a gym, or a trainer, or with kids at home that I care for all day, or no bike, or no workout friends, etc, but I can make time. I can find the energy. It's mind over matter, and the matter is winning most days.

Could my situation be better? Yup. Could I do better with what I have to work with? Yup.

- I Want More From Life
Duh. Don't we all?

I've been through this before, but I'll quickly re-hash it.

I love my three girls more than anything in the universe. I am honored that I'm one of very few dads who get to spend all sorts of time with his daughters. I love having no schedule to live by. I love a lot of things about my life.

But I'm not who I want to be. I want to publish magazines. I want to be a writer. I want to provide amazing things for my family. I want to be "known."

I've always wanted to go into a Target, buy some Fruit of the Loom Boxer-Briefs, put my credit card down, and have the cashier say something like "Wait. Kevin Antcliff? THE Kevin Antcliff from '___________'? Wow. I love your stuff!"

It's that ego thing again, and I know that. But how cool of a feeling would that be?

Still, it would pale in comparison to making my family happy, and keeping them stress-free. I want to be a provider. I want to be the big, strong caveman who brings home the tiger that I killed with my bare hands.

Ugh.

- I Come Across Like a Whiner
And I don't mean to. It's my blog, so sometimes I ramble. What good is a blog if you can't share how you feel, r what you're thinking? These are some of the battles I fight everyday during this transformation, so I might as well discuss them, huh?

That's it. Everybody have a good one, and I'll talk to you tomorrow.

-KA

I'm Back

Weigh-In: 293.4
5-Day: 295.16

Took a few days off to clear my head, and let my increasing weight fester a bit.

I weighed in as high as 296 over the last two days, and it was enough to get my average back into the mid-295's. I wasn't a big fan. I wasn't eating perfectly, but I was staying near my 2,400 calorie level. Also, thanks to the sore sugery foot, I have done exactly sqaut for exercise the last three days.

So what happens today? I get a new low on the scale. I don't understand it, so I just shake my head and get some Cherrio's. If there's one thing I've learned over the last eight months, it's that none of this ever makes sense. I mean, just go read Rob's blog for an example of what I mean. No way should he have put on eight pounds in a week. That's over 25,000 extra calories he would have had to eat in the last six days. Not a chance.

The important thing is that we all keep pushing. Life gets in the way sometimes, but we all need to control what we can control. Things aren't going well for many of us right now, but we can still eat right and stay active. So, that's my advice to you this morning.

Now, on to something a little more fun.

Billy and Kristen are both pretty close to hitting their goals. The rest of us still have a way to go, but we're working on it. My question to all of you is, what are you planning on doing to celebrate?

I used to shave my head whenever I needed to make a change, or when I hit a milestone, but now that I'm pretty much bald, that wouldn't be too drastic of a change.

But I'm submitting to you all the idea that, when you hit your goal weight, you do something crazy to welcome the new you. If you're blonde, you become a brunette. If you have hair, you shave it. Don't have a tattoo of the Old English D on your shoulder, GET one.

That last one might be my plan, but I'm not sure. It's tempting, and it's WAY outside of anything I'd ever really consider doing.

Here's my list of things I think those of us I know best should all do to celebrate their goals:

Billy:
Off with the beard! I wanna see a clean-shaven, 190-lb dude.
Kristen:
Blondes have more fun, so I've been told. Time for you to find out!
Becky:
Black hair would like nice on you. Let's find out.
Rob:
I have no clue. You're bald like me, so a head shave ain't gonna work. You could go the tattoo route, I suppose. You have any suggestions?

And for me? Repping the D from the Mile High City. The Old English D will look nice on my shoulder.

What about everybody else? Any major plans of celebration? Would you like some? I can be pretty creative.

Taking the Bad With the Good

Let me start by talking about Saturday.

I made myself proud, if only for a couple of hours.

As Beck mentioned, she went on a bike ride while I hung with the kids. She then took the kids to her parents' house, giving me some time to do some work. So, I hit the trail. It's roughly a 3-mile circle. I'm not now, nor will I ever be, a runner. But I do what I can.

My goal this time was just to run more than I did last time. So, I started out jogging for 60-90 seconds, then walking for 60 seconds. I started strong, and I followed this pattern for about 2/3 of a mile. I finished the last 1/3 by running for 30 seconds, and walking the rest. Not impressive compared to most of you, but for me, it was pretty good. I ran most of a mile, which I haven't done in a good six years.

I then walked the rest of the 3 miles, coming home in a little over 50 minutes. Not too shabby for somebody who hates it as much as I do.

What made me most proud was that I made sure to take the hard way home - about 2/3 of a mile up a good 8% grade. It was 90 degrees, the wind was blowing in my face, and I was walking uphill at a 3.5 mph pace after running almost a mile. The voice in my head kept telling me to turn around, but I didn't recognize the voice, and I don't talk to strangers. So I kept going the hard way.

Then, a few hours later (after a grilled chicken salad for lunch), we went to the local high school, and we played some catch. It was nothing major, but I was sure to make Becky lead me on some crossing patterns so I'd have to run hard to get to the ball.

Man, I felt like I was 18 again. I was leaping, diving, sprinting, falling - I felt like an athlete for the first time in at least six years. I was making behind-the-back catches, I was leaping backwards - falling on my can - to reach a high pass. I was jumping, turning, and catching a ball thrown behind me. I was a machine. And here's the kicker, I was pushing BECK! I was wiped out, and I could barely move...but I kept running. I kept diving. I kept pushing myself.

It was my proudest moment of this transformation.

Once we got home, I decided to weigh myself. I was 294.0 Saturday AM, so I was hoping for a number that was pretty close. What I got was a 292.4. I was within reach of 290.

Now the bad stuff...

I took Sunday off, mainly because I had 2 reconstructive surgeries on my right foot in the mid-90s, and I was told not to run on it, anymore. Well, it was killing last night. So badly that I iced it. I haven't iced that foot since I was recovering from the last surgery in 1996. So, I'm thinking running might not happen for me. At least not with the kind of stress I put on it Saturday.

And how about my weigh-ins?

Well, I have eaten 100% clean since Wednesday night. My weight was steadily dropping, hitting an impressive 294, and a midday 292.4. So, with my incresed activity, and with my perfect calorie intake, I was looking to see more 292's the last two days.

Instead, I got a 295, and a 295.8. I'm up almost two pounds in two days - my two best transformation days in a month. Today's 295.8 put my average back over 295, and it's my worst weight in six days.

It's just enough bad to overshadow the good. It kind of took the wind out of my sails today, to be honest. I know it's nothing everybody else hasn't had to deal with, but it's still a blow to my motivation.

But, I keep pressing on. I want to see a 289 on the scale by Sunday morning, but I now have over five pounds to lose to get there. Not sure I can make it happen. I can only control what I do and how I eat and hope it all works out.

Guess we'll see.

Must See TV

Weigh In: 294.0 (new low)
5-Day: 295.24 (new low)
Calories: 1,908 (low to make up for 2,900 the day before)

OK, tell me you're not dying to go find and hire these guys after watching these videos. I would KILL for some off-the-wall training like this. And if it made me look like a Spartan (from '300', not East Lansing. I'm a Wolverine, baby), all the better.

Enjoy.

"Floor Wipers"
(What song is that? It's awesome.)


The '300' Workout

For the B Team.

Use this, and you guys will beat us. Seriously. Use this.

Keeping It Short

Weight was back up, but that was my fault. Had a cheat meal that turned into a cheat night. I knew better, and felt like CRAP what I was done, so I deserve the 296.2 I got today. I've got to stop the emotional eating. Good news - eat. Bad news - eat. I have the power to stop it, but I don't. At least not as often as I should.

5-Day still went down, but not as much as I would have liked. It now sits at 296.04. I'll get back on track today and knock down a 294 again tomorrow.

I'm meeting with my boss at the magazine on Monday to discuss a possible expansion of the web site I'm running. It could mean pretty big things. Essentially, MHS.com could be to MHS the Magazine what ESPN.com is to ESPN the network. Much smaller scale, but same idea. That would help me out in many ways.

It doesn't take much to lose your good mood, huh? I started out in one this morning, then it got better when I heard about the web site, but then a dose of reality set in, and I realized I didn't have that much to be excited about today.

Oh, well. Another day, another struggle. It's getting to be normal to just try to keep my head above water, so I'm getting used to this feeling.

Back to treading water.

Dance Break!

No Change, But I'm 'Aight

Weigh-In: 294.8
5-Day: 296.2

Well, I didn't lose anything yesterday, but I didn't gain anything. I'm fine with that, as my 5-Day dropped down to a new low at 296.2. If I weigh anything under 298 tomorrow, it'll drop well into the 295's, so I really can't complain about that one bit.

I have a ton of energy today, and I'm not sure why. It's just one of those mornings where you wake up, and you don't see why you can't take on the world, and all it can throw at you, and walk away the winner. I don't get those mornings very often these days, so I'll embrace it, and go after it.

I've been DYING to play basketball recently. It's an AMAZING cardio workout...sprint 100 feet, shuffle around, jump a few times, sprint another 100 feet, repeat for three hours...playing basketball three nights a week in college was how I lost about 60 pounds in five months. Problem is, I don't have anybody to play with, and I'd have to play at night, so playing outdoors ain't gonna happen.

I'll look into it and see what I can do.

Anyway, not much else to say, today. Everybody have a good one.

Summary Time

I started the whole database thing when I was at a solid 338. My first day of keeping track was 12/22/06. Since then, here's what I've done.



Average weight loss per day: .26 pounds

December: 5+ pounds lost
January: 6 pounds lost
February: 8+ pounds lost
March: 6+ pounds lost
April: 6+ pounds lost
May: 9+ pounds lost
June: 3+ pounds lost (so far)

Total lost from weigh-in to weigh in: 43.2
Total Lost by 5-Day Average: 41.64

I'm ok with that. January was a killer month with stress and travel, so I see what happened. No excuses, though. I should never put weight on. January was great! I lost a little over six pounds!

Still, I'm good with an average 7 pounds per month loss the other months. I'd prefer some May repeats. May was my 2,400-per-day calorie month. And I really went from 307 on the 10th to 298 on the 31st. Nine pounds in 21 days once I started eating my 2,400.

We'll see what the rest of June brings. I'm at roughly three pounds lost thins month, right now. I have 10 days to get that number up. I'm aiming for an eight.

**EDIT - Fixed**

Sometimes I Just Don't Understand

I'll blog some more about this later, but I wanted to get this out there for everybody this morning.

Monday and Tuesday have been my first two days trying to stay around 2,400 calories in about a week. We also went for a quick 3/4 mile walk last night. Still, I have to raise an eyebrow at this morning's weigh-in:

294.8.

I stepped on that scale five times, and I saw a 294.8 every time. No clue how, but I'll take it. And I'll eat 2,400 calories again today. Maybe I'll drop to 292, huh?

Weigh-In: 294.8 (new low - duh)
5-Day: 296.56 (new low)

More later.

Beware.

Weigh In: 296.4 (new low ???)
5-Day: 297.0 (back to 50 pounds lost)

The image says it all. It has not been a great few weeks in our home. As Beck mentioned in her post over the weekend, stress is everywhere for us, and it's taking its toll.

For the better part of the last four years, I've handled the stress great (not counting the whole 'eating for comfort' thing). I always managed a smile or a joke to help lighten the mood. I always seemed to have just enough strength to hold those around me as high above the stress as I could. But no amount of push ups can give you the strength to do it for this long.

I feel defeated. Things seem hopeless. Even as I'm working on a project that could make us very comfortable people, I don't have much faith that anything will come of it. For the first time since my mom died in 2004, I want to curl up in my bed and stay there for a day or three.

Life is like a movie trilogy. Think Star Wars. Episode IV was great. They rescue the princess, Luke meets Obi Won, Han becomes a hero, they blow up the Death Star. Episode VI was also a positive movie. Luke is a Jedi, the Emperor is killed, the galaxy is freed, Han hooks up with Leia.

Then there's Episode V. Nothing but bad in this movie. Their ice base gets destroyed, Lando betrays everybody, Luke gets his hand cut off and finds out his arch enemy is his dad, Han gets frozen in carbonite - and at the end, it shows the main characters looking out a window with a "what now?" look on their faces.

I feel like I'm in the second part of my life trilogy. This is where everything goes bad, and the audience is left hanging for three years until the third movie is released.

Shoot, I don't even know if the third movie has been written, yet. Maybe I'm supposed to write it. Maybe I'm supposed to direct it. Or maybe I'm just waiting, like everybody else, to see how the story ends.

Until then, I'm fighting hard in many areas of my life. So hard, that I feel like I'm being stretched too thin. Finances, kids, wife, job hunting, weight loss...all on the tip of the iceberg. I never used to doubt my ability to handle it all, and handle it well. But the doubt has crept in.

I don't have patience for anything, my level of understanding has dropped considerably, and my capacity for caring is pretty much drained.

Hey, at least I weighed 296.4 today, right?

Challenge

As Dave and Beck prepare to go head-to-head, I can't help but think that some contests might just be what some of us need to get the weight loss train moving.

So, pick your opponent, lay down the terms, and go at it.

First to lose 10 pounds?
First to hit their next goal?
First to bench 200?
First to run five miles?

Name your terms, and throw down the gauntlet. This might be tougher for some than for others, and many of us are at very different levels health-wise, and at very different points along the weight-loss journey. So, keep that in mind as you go forward.

Be sure to blog about your challenge so we can all follow along.

A Pound Of Celebration

Weigh-In: 298.0
5-Day: 297.16 (boooo!)

Well, yesterday was my Birthday/Father's day, and I let loose a little. Didn't eat clean, but it was a special occasion. It ends up that I put on a pound over the "holiday" weekend. Not exactly thrilling, but I think on days like that, you should be allowed a little fliexibility. We did walk a good 2.5 miles, so that may have taken the edge off a little.

So, that brings me back this 297 number my body appears to have grown attached to. I liked it, at first. 297 sounds much better than 360 or 347. But now that I've been in the 297 range for two weeks, I think it's time to say buh-bye.

My issues (and yes, these are all excuses), are many. No gym. No trainer. No friends. No bike. No money. And not much in the way of time. Plus, I HATE running. It's the most boring excercise in the universe. I LOVE running for a reason - to beat my man back on defense, to run down the overthrown bounce pass, to tackle the dude with the ball - but just running to run? I've never been able to do it. Back when I was in pretty good shape, I could run about 3/4 of a mile without stopping. Then I'd drag my sorry butt another 1/4 mile to say I got the whole thing done.

But I digress...

Fact is, I've lost 50+ pounds by eating smarter and increasing my activity. I walk to the store, now. I play with my kids more. I run up the stairs. I toss the football with Beck at the park. I've been on more 2-3 mile walks in the last four months than I've been on in my life. I've even topped 7 miles a couple of times.

I think if I were trying to get a Men's Health body, I'd have a little more fire about it all. But Beck and I were talking yesterday, and it's always been my goal to get healthy, and stop being so fat. I never had any intentions of going on the extreme food intake plans that many of you are on. I still eat carbs. I love me some pasta. And I dig me a sandwich. The change has been that I've gone from white flour to whole wheat or whole grain. And instead of a box of Little Debbie's, I'm more inclined to grab an apple, or some baby carrots.

I'm not worried about eating low carb, or low fat. I'm just trying to eat better, and live smarter.

And that's worked, so far.

But I have a feeling that the whole "better and smarter" approach will only take me so far. I need to kick it up a notch. In an ideal world, I'll have a bike with a 21" frame delivered to my door today. I found one on Craiglist for $150, but if you read Beck's post this weekend, you know that ain't going to happen. Next best, I'd mysteriously make 6-7 friends, and we'd all go play some pick-up ball a few nights a week. But unless my kids suddenly allow me out of the house, I don't think I stand much of a chance with that one, either. Maybe I'll win a gym membership from a contest I never entered...

I dunno. I've been very proud of myself during this seven months. I'm pretty sure I'm the only member of the Coalition doing this 100% on their own - no gym, no trainers, no memberships, no workout buddy, etc. It's just been me, some walking, some jogging, some push ups, and the motvation from this blog.

But I sense that I'm going to need something more, soon.

I bought the new Men's Health last night (get it - good stuff), and I was actually upset that I got it. It tells you all sorts of things you can do to get stronger, faster, and better, but it's all under the assumption that you have a gym or a trainer. Or the money with which to acquire the needed pieces - sports leagues, personal trainers, etc. Well, that's not me. I have a couch, a floor, and two kids. As well as enough stress to bury a lesser man.

I have a lot of things working against me. Again, that's part of why I'm so proud of myself. I've slipped a few times, but I've never fallen. A year ago, I would have been curled up in my bed asking for my blankie. I've trudged through some major crap, and I've overcome many obstacles.

Getting this last 37 pounds off is just another one. I might not have an "ideal" solution on the table, but I haven't had much in the way of ideal circumstances at all since November. And I think I've done OK.

I'll figure this out. I always do.

Just So I Can Say I Posted Today

Weigh-In: Still hovering at 297.0
5-Day: 296.96 (new low)

First, I turn 31 soon, and I'm proud to say that I'm the healthiest I've been since I was 26 - the year I got married. It's also my third Father's Day Sunday, and I am BY FAR in the best shape I've been since becoming a daddy.

I have a long way to go, and I haven't been perfect, but I've changed a LOT about myself in the last seven months, and I'm proud of the person I've become. I'll be even more proud in a few months when I'm - physically - the person I've wanted to be for a long time.

Everybody have a great weekend.

**EDIT**

Huh. This kind of snuck up on me.

I just realized that I have officially crossed the 50 Pounds Lost threshold.

Supposedly, this dog represents the total amount of weight I've lost since November 23, 2006.


Good dog.

Call to Action

Weigh-In: 297.2
5-Day: 297.04 (new low)

I'm noticing a theme around the Coalition over the last week. I'm a victim of it, as well.

Visit any number of Coalition blogs, and I think you'll see it, too. It's frustration, it's complacency, it's satisfaction, it's even a little laziness. Not everybody exhibits all of these issues, but most of us are dealing with at least one of them.

As far as I'm concerned, it's more of a "blah" attitude. I'm not eating awful, and I'm staying very close to my 2,400 calories, but if I go over by a couple hundred, my response is "eh, no biggie." Want to go for a walk? "Eh, I'm good." Do some push ups! "Eh, maybe later."

Maybe we all fit under a similar umbrella, right now - Lack of focus. I think we all know what we're supposed to do, but many of us just aren't doing it like we should. As I look around the Coalition, I see a lot of us dealing with this. The original four, especially. Beck is in the same boat I am, and she's hovering in the 183 range. I'm not as into this as I once was, and I'm hanging around the 297 area. Rob is frustrated that he hasn't budged out of the 293's for a month. Billy was seeking the fire he used to have while he now sits in the 202's.

Listen, we ALL know what to do. We've lost at least 495 pounds as a Coalition. There's no secret formula. There's no special diet. There's no trick. We all got here the same way - Hard work, good eating, smart decisions. We started every day like it was our first day in the transformation. We counted calories. We logged our exercise minutes. We blogged what we did in our workout that day. Nothing has changed. That is STILL the only formula that is going to get us where we want to be.

This is my call to action for FAT. Focus. See your goal, and go after it. Go back to square one - count calories, watch your carbs, eat more fiber, read a Men's Health - whatever you did to get yourself moving, go back to it today.

As hard as it is, forget, just for now, the weight you've lost, and concentrate on the weight you have left. Today is Day One. I have to lose 37 pounds. It starts today.

Focus. Work hard. Don't let yourself get discouraged. Use the Coalition to push you.

We've done this before. Let's do it again.

Not Much To Say

Weigh-In: 296.8
5 Day: 297.16

Don't have much to say today, so I guess I'll turn the post into a Shift promotion.

The Shift re-design will be getting underway this week, and could be done by as early as this weekend. That would mean that the new Shift could launch by Monday.

The site will be broken into three parts, coinciding with the Shift "motto": Your Mind, Your Body, Your Life.

One page will focus on the mental side of a life transformation. Breaking your old habits, staying motivated, changing your mindset, breaking through walls, etc.

The next page will concentrate on the physical side of getting your life back. Workout routines, eating clean, etc.

The last page will focus on living a healthy life. Spending time with your family, getting out from in front of the TV, prioritizing your life, etc.

My friends from L2S will be heading up the Life page, as that is what they focus on every day. That means I still have two writing openings - Mind and Body. If you are a GOOD writer, have a strong command of the English language, have experience in the specified subject, and can commit to a 1,000-word column per week, let me know.

Unlike the old Shift, I will be taking this VERY seriously. I have major plans for Shift, and I need people involved who will also take it seriously. No, there's no pay to start, but this site will lead to a newsletter, a podcast, community events, publicity, and - I hope - a monthly magazine. It has to be treated now like we want it to be seen later.

If any of you have any sort of marketing experience and can help me get the word out when we launch, I could greatly use the help. Same with any ad sales people. I'd love to see the site become profitable.

OK, that's it for the day. Everybody have a good one, and keep moving forward.

Moving Again

Weigh-In: 296.6
5-Day: 297.32

Well, after five days hanging in the 297's, the scale finally hooked me up with a 296.6 today. That number represents another new low in my transformation, and it brings my 5-Day to a new low, as well.

Yesterday was not a great day, but I did alright. A few sets of push ups, playing with the kids, etc. Nothing major.

I did realize something this morning. When I step on the scale in the AM, I'm always thinking the same thing to myself: "OK, be under 300." Now, being under 300 is good, but I feel my daily chant is the sign of a focus issue. I think I'm worried so much about not getting back to that 300, that I'm not concentrating enough on getting out of the 290's.

Recognizing the problem is half of the solution. Now I just need to kick it up another notch. We should be going camping at least once this summer, and there's a ton of water sports - jet ski, boats, wake board, swimming - so I'll have the opportunity to be shirtless. I like the progress I've made so far, but I don't think I am beach ready. Another 10-15 pounds would make a big difference. I think it's time to set a new goal to help me keep my eyes on the prize.

So, I want to get to 285 by the last weekend of July. That gives me about 6 weeks to drop 11 pounds.

No problem.

No Complaining

Weigh-In: 297.2
5-Day: 297.48

I told myself that as long as the weight was heading down - no matter how slowly - I wouldn't complain. So, I'm sticking to that. I dropped another two tenths, which is another two tenths I no longer have to worry about. I'll take it over a gain.

Plus, my 5-Day dropped out of the 298's, putting me at a new low. So I really have no reason to complain.

And this is all after a four day stretch where time, severe sunburn, and work kept me from doing anything active. Thursday and Friday I couldn't lift my arms above my shoulders from my stinking burn, and I sure wasn't going back outside in the sunny 80's. So, I chalked those days up to "unfortunate," and I ate clean. Then Saturday was spent with one of Becky's clients, and the day took MUCH longer than we expected. We had to top it off with a quick grocery run at 9PM, then we took the kids home and put them in bed. And we followed shortly.

Yesterday did allow us to get out a little bit. We did some major cleaning around the house, then took the kids to the big park near us, where we walked around the - MAYBE - 1/2 mile lake. We would have gone further, but Beck's blisters were hurting pretty badly. So, we called it a day.

Today I'm back at it. I just did a quick set of push ups before I had my Honey Nut Cheerios. I'll do another two sets after I get my work done this morning, and then even more while the kids nap.

I'm anxious to get the weight out of the 297's. It feels like a mini-plateau. I've been in the 297's for five days. After jumping back up to the 300's last weekend, it feels like I've accomplished very little, though I should give myself credit for fighting back down five pounds in seven days. It wasn't easy.

I also am allowing myself to have a thought I probably shouldn't have. After seeing some new pics Beck and I took yesterday, I've decided, no matter what the websites say, I'm no longer "fat." According to most of those online calculators, I still need to get down to 220. I've been as low as 239, and I looked anorexic. I think 260 is going to be VERY close for me. Anyway, that means I'm 37 pounds overweight. But, as Beck and I noticed last night, I don't LOOK 37 pounds overweight, anymore. I've always been lucky to carry my weight well. Even at 360, it looked like I was no more than 70 or 80 pounds overweight. Now that I have 37 left to go, it looks like I have 15 or 20 to drop.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying I'm close to being done, or that I'm content with where I am. No matter how much better I look now compared to 7 months ago, I can and will do and look better. But I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Having to lose 100 pounds seemed so daunting when I started. But now, I have just over 1/3 of that left to go. To me, that's amazing. I'm almost 2/3 of the way to my goal, and I look and feel better than I have since I was married.

Some of you might think this is unwise, but I feel pretty good about myself these days.

Headshots

Before: September of 2005 - roughly 350 pounds
After: June 10, 2007 - 297 pounds

Cheese!

Took last month off from pics, but I'm back, and you have to pay the price.

These are pics from 12/05, 04/07, and 06/07.

I actually see some decent change from April to now. Might that be a chest I'm seeing??


I know everybody says this, but I still have a long way to go. Also, my sunburn is KILLING ME.

Keep Moving

Weigh-In: 297.6
5-Day: 298.26 (new low)

In my family, it seems like we escape stress just long enough to take a breath, then it finds us. When it find us, it seems even more cruel, as though it is trying to teach us a lesson.

"So, you thought you were out of the woods, huh? Put your cart in front of the horse, it seems. You're gonna pay for that."

It happened again last night. No details, but we took another hit. Things looked very nice for a few days. They were looking up a little bit. Then, right when we were starting to relax, we got side-swiped. It's tough, and it keeps happening. It's the "one step forward, two steps back" scenario. We just can't get ahead.

My point is, I went to food for comfort last night. Two PB sandwiches, 2 cups of milk, a bowl of Fiber One (with sugar), and the milk in the cereal. I didn't add it up, but I had to have taken in about 700 or 800 calories from 9 to 9:45 last night.

I was lucky to see a 297.6 on the scale today. It makes me wonder what I would have seen had I left that food alone.

I guess that doesn't matter, now. The important thing is that I messed up. Did the food make me feel any better? Did it get me a job? Did it get food for my kids? Nope. It just made me feel bloated.

Life is playing a big game of dodgeball with us right now. We haven't played very well, and we're constantly taking shots right between the eyes. But we've been playing for a long time, now. Almost six years, actually. And the game is still being played, which means we aren't out, yet. Getting hit hurts, and often we need to head to the sideline until somebody can get us back into the game. But we always find our way back in.

In "Dodgeball: The Movie" there's a funny line:

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

Well, when my mom died, it was a wrench. When my close friend from HS was killed in a car accident, it was a wrench. When my grandmother passed - wrench. When my grandfather passed - wrench. When I lost my magazine - wrench. When we had to go on welfare - wrench. When Gracie went from delivery to the NICU - wrench.

Thank God, we're not facing anything like that right now. But that line from the movie works. We've dodged plenty of wrenches, so we can dodge this ball.

Man, I hope this doesn't sound as corny when you read it as it feels now that I'm done typing it.

Back On The Road

Weigh-In: 297.4 (new official low)
Average: 298.6

I didn't expect the 295.6 from yesterday afternoon to hold, but I was hoping for a weight in the 298's this morning. I was pleased as heck to see a new low of 297.4.

I'm telling you, 300 is behind me. I am a quick learner, and I learned that being stupid with fast food can KILL you. I was five pounds up from where I am right now, all because I ate that stupid 4-pound, double, extra, mega cheeseburger - and fries. I meant it when I said 'Never Again.'

Anyway, yesterday was killer. We went for a 7-mile walk in 80+ degree weather, and neither of us wore sunscreen. We also failed to take enough water, so we were hurting by the time we got back. Still, that was 1,400 calories burned for me, and I ate PERFECTLY all day. My only "miss" was that we ate a late dinner, and I was at 1,800 calories at 8:30 last night. I still don't want to eat after 8, so I left it as-was. And the no sunscreen thing? Dang. I'm hurting. My freshly-shaven head looks like a red balloon tyring to get out of my shirt.

One other thing. As Beck and I were walking yesterday, we told our oldest that we'd take her to the park after she had a nap. That meant that we took a 7-mile walk, let the girls nap, then we got up and went to the park where we tried to do pull-ups and dips, then attempted to traverse the monkey bars. As Beck mentioned to me yesterday, we'd be lucky if the old us did that much in a week. We did it in an afternoon.

We're better people today.

OK, one more last thing. The pics under this post? I have to say, I'm impressed. I don't impress myself easily, but I saw the new me starting to show through. My arms are bigger than they have ever been, and my gut it shrinking steadily. I still look in the mirror, and I see 360 Kevin. I didn't realize that 297 Kevin was such an improvement.

OK, that's all. Everybody have a great day!

After a quick 7-mile walk...

295.6

YES. 295.6

Here's some proof.


Now, if only I didn't have the arms of a buff Albino...

"Never Again"

In response to the Message From My Body posted below, I am here to make a bold statement.

After reading my body's message, I decided that I'd weigh myself again. I hadn't eaten, and I took another bathroom stop, so I hoped to see a number besides the 300.4 I saw when I woke up.

I saw a 299.8 - my first sub-300 weight since Saturday morning.

Seeing that number this time was almost as nice as seeing it the last time. It felt so good, that I instantly turned to Beck and said this: "Never again."

And now I'm saying it here for all of the Coalition to see.

I WILL NOT weigh over 300 pounds again. I refuse. I haven't blogged about it, but being back over 300 felt horrible. And it was my own fault that I was there. I messed up last weekend, and right when I was on the verge of a new low. Today, I could be celebrating a 294. Instead, I'm celebrating a 299. I messed up.

I'm not letting that happen again.

A Message From My Body

This was in my internal inbox this morning:

Kev,

In case you hadn't figured it out, there's something I wanted to share with you. For future reference, I can handle ONE bad meal. I might even be able to deal with a bad meal and a dessert. But this whole "bad weekend" thing? Not so much. You've been spot-on with your eating for three days, and you still can't get out of the 300's. I can only do so much. You shove a 2,000-calorie burger into me, and there's going to be a price to pay.

I know, you did 60-some push ups yesterday, and you walked to the book store, blah, blah, blah. That's not going to do a thing right now. You need to learn your lesson. After you've realized just what damage one bad weekend can do, then we'll talk about letting you out of the 300's.

Until then, deal with that number on the scale. I hope it makes you feel as sick as that burger made me feel.

Love ya,
Your Body

Ups & Downs

I don't even know where to start this morning.

Let me start off my giving a quick summary of what our plans included:

Saturday - Help friends move for about four hours, take Beck out to eat for her Birthday, get a DQ Blizzard (Hey, its a special occasion!)

Sunday - Go to Church, get groceries, do some side work

So, it doesn't sound all that impressive, but impressive isn't the word I'm aiming for, I guess. Let's start with Saturday.

Got to my friend's house at around 8:20, and we got to work. I was like a man possessed. I went for the heavy items. I curled as I carried. While everybody else was walking upstairs to get the next item, I was running. I was a beast out there. Six months ago, I would have looked for every excuse in the box to avoid moving, or to at least avoid working hard. But on Saturday, I attacked it. And I felt great after we were done. Shoot, I even got my first "slim and strong" comment.

There was a hutch on the second floor of the house. It was probably about my height, and it was heavy and awkward. I was just hanging out waiting for the powers that be to decide how to handle it. They decided they'd get a dolly and roll it down, so they didn't have to carry it. "We can't lift it, it's too heavy," one man said. "Sure we can," replied Kevin. At that point, my brother gave me my FIRST compliment of my transformation:

"Yeah, but we aren't you. We're all still weak and out of shape."

I'll take it.

The bad news is that I tweaked my back, and it still hurts today, though not as bad as it did. Still, the moving was good. Great workout, great motivation.

And then things fell apart.

We went to a little Japanese place in a big mall near us. We had both behaved food-wise that morning to allow some extra room for calories. I ordered white meat teriyaki chicken over white rice (they had no brown), and I added on a small scoop of sesame chicken. Dinner probably cost me 1,000 calories. I had only had about 600 to that point of the day, so it wasn't the end of the world. We walked around the mall for a while, then we picked up the girls and took them to DQ. I told Beck I'd get her some ice cream for her Birthday. So, we each got a medium Waffle Blizzard. Calories: 800. So, my total intake for Saturday was probably around 2,500 to 2,600. Not too bad, though it wasn't the best food choice.

I woke up Sunday morning with a 300.0 on the scale. I was sick and angry. I worked off a good 800-1,000 calories moving all of the furniture and boxes, and I went over my daily intake by no more than 300 - and I put on over 2 pounds?

It put me in a bad mood all day. To show my body I didn't care what I did, I then went to Carl's Jr. for lunch. I had a 1-pound burger with medium fries. For dinner, we had the healthy version of Parmesan Chicken. I had a bowl of Fiber One for dessert.

The burger and fries? 1,920 calories. I could have chosen a grilled chicken sandwich. I could have had a single burger. But I talked myself into the worst, possible thing on that menu. I don't know why. It was a major mistake, though. I've been sick since yesterday afternoon. I probably ate a good 3,700 calories yesterday, and I was not active AT ALL.

So, this morning, I woke up to a 302.0 on the dreaded scale.

Don't get me wrong, I deserve it. But I'm trying to figure out how going over my intake by 1,800 calories over two days could put almost five pounds on. I've been a little, um, backed up since Saturday morning. So I know that's part of it. And I didn't drink ANY water yesterday, so that sure didn't help.

Blah.

So, today is detox. Apples, carrots, celery, water, and maybe a normal dinner. That's what's on the Big Dog's menu today. If my back and schedule allow, I'll be packing the kids up in the stroller and heading for a 3-mile walk/jog this afternoon. If my back is still feeling this loose later, I'll also be ripping out a few sets of push ups.

Before you all rip into me, let me just say that I understand every error I made this weekend. This isn't anything that needs to be re-taught to me. It's not that I'm off the wagon. It simply boils down to this: A couple of bad choices can KILL you. I ate two bad meals, and one not-so-great meal, and I'm up from 297.6 on Saturday to a 302.0 today. It doesn't take much to de-rail you.

The good news is that I know how to fix it, and it'll be easy to right the ship.

As upset as I was to see back-to-back 300's, it's not as crushing as I thought it would be. Again, I know exactly what I did wrong, and it's correctable. The new Kevin has bad days scattered inside good months. The old Kevin had good days spread over the course of several BAD months.

Fear not. I'm just fine.

Not In A Good Mood

I won't be talking much today. That game last night still has me feeling sick to my stomach.

How do you let ONE GUY score his team's last 25 points against you? How do you not double him with 9 seconds left? Any other year, I'd say things like "it ain't over til it's over," or "I haven't heard any fat ladies singing," but I just don't feel good about this series. I don't see this Pistons team winning two more, especially when one is at The Q.

I think we're going to see a somewhat major overhaul of this team next season. I think Chauncey is going bye-bye, I don't think Webber will re-sign, and I think Dumars may have to move some other pieces to make things happen.

Man this team annoys me some days.

Be Proud, FAT!

First, Suz and Gary didn't check in yesterday, but I checked to see what they'd had so far to get a rough total.

Suz had lost 20 at last count, and Gary was at 22.

That puts the FAT Coalition's total weight loss amount at an amazing 460.34 pounds.

It doesn't matter if you've been here since Day One, or if you're new. I doesn't matter if you've lost the most weight, or the least. You're part of something great here, and if you don't believe me, just look at that number. Over 460 pounds lost by this team since we all started our journeys. Most of that loss has come in the last six months, when many of us started playing for keeps. I am proud of everybody involved. And you should all be proud, too.

Now if we can just get Mark and Yves to show back up. Guys, you're missing out on something life-changing here.

As for today...

Weigh In: 298.6
5-Day: 298.48

I went the wrong way today, and I blame myself 100%. For one thing, I ate after 9:00 PM, again. Nothing bad, just a PB on whole wheat with a glass of water. Still, I know better. For another thing, I wasn't active yesterday, at all. I lost focus and started stressing out about life, so I just didn't feel like doing my push ups or going for a walk/jog. And, of course, the day that I tell Rob to be sure to count his calories is that day I fail to count mine, and I went over my 2,400.

Physician, heal thyself.

For those of you who know about Shift, let me put this out there: As soon as Beck and I have time, we WILL finish the re-design of the site. As soon as it's done, Shift will re-launch, with more features, more tools, and more information. If any of you readers, or if any of you in the Coalition want to be involved in this grassroots endeavor, just let me know. I'll need editors, writers, salespeople, a marketing team...you name it, and we could probably use it.

My plan is to re-launch with a weekly newsletter, a bi-weekly podcast, new content bi-weekly, fundraisers, health and fitness clinics - you name it, we're going after it. Eventually, I'd like it to branch out into a magazine, and hopefully even a TV presence.

Lofty goals, to be sure. And, unfortunately, they all take money to achieve. That said, we find some sponsors and partners, and the possibility exists that Shift will go from "idea" to "force."

Let me know if you'd like to get involved.

Have a great day, everybody.

It's Time, Coalitioners...

Time to sound off on your total weight loss. Chime in with when you started, and how much you've lost.

I'll start it off:

Since January of 2006 (my unofficial start): 61.36 Pounds
Since 11/23/06: 48.36 pounds

I'll add up the total as I get comments. This should be an amazing number.

Since 1/06
RUNNING TOTAL: 418.34 Pounds

On My Way

Weigh In: 299.4 (yikes!)
5-Day: 299.28

Man, that 299.4 is as close as I ever want to be to 300, again. It's my own fault that I got that close. I wasn't active at all yesterday. I did power clean the house with Beck, and I did one, quick set of push ups, but that was about it. On top of that, I went against everything I believe, and I ate too late - a bowl of cereal at 8:30, and an apple at 9:45. I've been trying not to eat anything after 8:00 PM, and it had been working. So, that was my bad. And I didn't have anywhere near my daily water target, either. I MIGHT have had one 16 oz. glass. Not good.

But today is another day, and I'll get back on it. My aim is 2,400 calories, 5-6 glasses of water, and 100% clean eating that will stop at 8:00 PM.

Now, about this "300" number I killed a few days ago. It felt GREAT to see that first 299.4 on the scale. It was six months of fighting, and sometimes losing, tough battles to change my life. My biggest target in this has not been 260, but its been getting me out of the 300's. Being a 300-pound man while not getting paid millions of dollars to be an offensive lineman in the NFL? It's not cool. It's been downright embarrassing to me, to be honest.

But that 300 is gone, hopefully for good. If it's back, it won't be due to my failures in my diet and exercise routine. My body's fluctuations have seemed to relax a little bit, but I know from history that it could plop four pounds back on out of nowhere. So, I know that a 300 could pop back, but my goal is - obviously - to get as far away from it as I can to ensure it doesn't.

I posted about this several weeks ago, but I assumed that getting under 300 would fire me up as opposed to allowing me to relax. I was 100% right about that. I took about three days to be happy with getting under 300, and to relish the feeling of losing 60 pounds since last January, and 47 pounds since Thanksgiving. I bragged a little. I looked at myself in the mirror. I put clothes on that were big on me now, but that couldn't even fit around my big gut six months ago. I enjoyed it.

But now I see the 290's, and I realize that I am still obese. I still need to lose another 11-12% of my body weight to get to 260. I have a long way to go, though I'm now under 40 pounds left to lose. And I know that, as I get under the 25-pound-to-go level, it's only going to get tougher. For me to get where I want to be, it's going to take a renewed effort, and a re-focused approach. My determination will be tested, and I'll have to work a little harder.

But it's going to be worth it.

I'm 39.28 pounds away from my goal. If I keep the same pace I've had during the month of May, I can hit that goal in mid-September. Even if I slow down, by the time the mountain leaves start to change their colors, I'll have changed mine.

Just for Documentation

Weigh In: 297.6
5-Day: 299.88

Wow. Under 300 "officially." It feels good, but the euphoria of getting under that 300 is quickly fading. Now I see 299.88 as disgusting. I had to lose 60+ pounds just to get down to being "fat."

39.88 pounds to go until I'm happy.

One battle won, many more to fight.

More tomorrow.

Ask Me No Questions, I'll Tell You No Lies

Weigh-In: 298.6 (ANOTHER new low)
5-Day: 300.88

Man, I am so close to getting under that 300 mark for good.

No idea how I lost another .8 pounds yesterday. I wasn't as active as I wanted - 1 set of pushups, 30 minutes of basketball - and I went over my 2,400 by about 300 calories yesterday. But who am I to question?

Not much time today, so I'll be back on Tuesday with some more detailed thoughts about getting rid of that stupid 300 on the scale.

Have a great Memorial Day!

And thank you, troops!

A Lot Of Things I Could Say This Morning...

But I'll just go with this:

New 5-Day: 301.64

Bam.

I Wish...

Today's Weigh-In: 301.4
5-Day: 302.16

I'm pretty sure today's 301.4 weigh-in is real, where last week's 301.4 was an aberration. I went from 303, to 301, to 302, and I stayed in the 302's for a few days. It would make more sense that this 301 is legit, so I'm going with it.

Just thought I'd mention that. The 301.4 ties my low in this transformation.

OK, enough of that.

There are a lot of things that I wish were different about my life right now. Of course, we can all say that. My wishes aren't too drastic, though. I don't wish for a million dollars, or to be able to fly. My wishes are for a good job, to be able to provide for my family, and for the stress relief that would come along with those wishes being granted.

On a smaller note, there are a few wishes I'd like to have granted that would help me with this life change I'm going through.

I wish I had the cash for those boxing classes. I've always loved boxing. Blame it on Rocky, but I've been intrigued by boxing since I was a kid. I've watched and critiqued Ali, Leonard, Hagler, Tyson, Holyfield, Jones Jr., Mayweather, and more. Shoot, my favorite detective of all time, Spenser (and his friend Hawk) was a boxer before he solved crimes and took down mob bosses. So, now that I know what the incredible health benefits are, I want to learn worse than I ever have. And, between us, after I take the lessons for a few months, I plan on trying an actual fight at least once - just to say I was a boxer.

I wish I weren't trapped by my lovely, wonderful kids. I love them. I really do. And if any person tried to hurt them, I can't even describe what I'd do to that person. That said, from 7:00 AM to 6:00 PM, it's me, a computer, and the kids. No car. No babysitter. No break. I just wish I could get out there and hit the basketball court. I wish I could take a jog in the afternoon sun. By the time my 14 hours of being Mr. Mom are over, I'm wiped. We'll try to spar sometimes, but Becky has side projects that she works on after the kids go to bed. So, it's just me. Which brings me to...

I wish I had some friends. Being Mr. Mom isn't conducive to making friends and meeting people. I'd kill for a workout buddy, or somebody to get together with on the weekends to play basketball. Not having a job, it's tough to meet guys from work. Becky is heading out for an all-gils hike this weekend, and I'm happy for her that she has that outlet. I'd just like one, too. While she and her friends are climbing the Red Rocks, I'll be jogging the trails behind the SuperTarget next to our apartment. I'm fine with that, because it's the hand I've been dealt. I'll just be glad when my options expand a little bit.

I guess it all comes back to money, but my next wish is that I had a bike. I love riding my bike. When I was in high school, I rode about 10-15 miles every afternoon if the weather permitted. It was never a workout for me. It was always a privilege to be able to ride. Now that I'm 6' 8", finding a normal-sized, $149 bike is out of the question. I'll be paying around $300, probably more, for a bike that can support my height and weight. Add on the cost for the kiddie bike trailers so we can do this as a family, and I'm looking at a good $450 to make it happen. So, it's gonna be a while.

Don't get me wrong. I know we all have things we wish we could do differently/better concerning our workouts or diets. Those of us without trainers might wish we could afford one. Those of us with trainers might wish we could afford a better trainer. But, we all make do with what we have. I've been making do, and I can't complain too much with that I've been able to accomplish. Down almost 58 pounds since last Jauary, and 45 pounds since Thanksgiving of last year. Given those numbers, I'll stick with my current wishes. After all, I could be wishing I didn't weigh 360 pounds.

A New Tool

Just something I found that might interest some of you:

Body Space

Lots of tools to track your progress, from your weight to your workouts, and pretty much everything in between. Pretty detailed stuff.

The site itself is geared more toward body builders, but this tracker can work for fat loss/body transformations, as well. If anyobody makes use of it, let me know.

Good News/Bad News

Time to play everybody's favorite game...


Good News: I had to eat a big dinner last night to get over 2,000 calories for the day
Bad News: It was pizza

Good News: I've taken another 2.8 pounds off of my 5-Day in the last seven days
Bad News: Still haven't seen a 299 on the scale

Good News: No rain today, for the first time all week
Bad News: Beck has a meeting after work, so I still won't get out to walk/run tonight

Just some quick thoughts to go along with the list:

- Rob called me out for what he interpreted as excuses, yesterday. I appreciate the concern, but let me assure everybody, I make no excuses for my failures. Yesterday's post was a public wake-up call to myself. I noticed the possibility for a bad trend to start, so I made my struggle public. Life ain't easy for us right now, but we're trudging along the best we can in this situation. Six months ago? Life would have played "Fat guy in a little coat" with me. My life would be ripping apart. That wasn't the best example, but any time I can fit in a Tommy Boy reference, you can bet I'm going to do it.

- Rob beat me to it, but yesterday was my unofficial six-month anniversary in this transformation. I "started" about two weeks before that, but I wasn't taking it seriously. The day I really buckled down was November 23rd. In those six months, I've lost 13% of my total body weight, and I've taken 7" off of my waist. Most importantly, I've become stronger. Not muscle strong (though I have), but person strong. I'm a better man today than I was six months ago. I'm handling this bout of life BS better than I've handled anything like it in the past. I've had weak moments, but I used to have a weak life. I'll gladly take that exchange.

Just think of what might have been, had I stayed on the path I was walking six months ago...

Damn.

Don't Panic. Deep Breaths.

OK, so, yeah.

I'm up another .2 pounds today, weighing in at 302.6.

That means I've put 1.2 pounds on in the last four days, although my 5-Day is still dropping - a little.

Other than my one, bad night, I've been eating fine. But we've been so buried that we haven't been able to spar or head out for walk/jog sessions.

So, I'm not hitting the panic button quite yet, but the cover is off, and it's on stand-by. I CANNOT let myself keep going in the wrong direction. I just can't. Life is messed up right now, and my weight may be the only thing I can control, so I plan on controlling it.

Hopefully the rain will hold off tonight, and I can hit the trails for a little while. Anything will help at this point.

Not Much To Say, Really

Took a calculated risk, motivated by having a really bad day, and had a cheat meal last night. Ended up weighing in up .4 pounds from yesterday.

More importantly, I feel nasty this morning. Not sick, but more "I should have avoided those foods last night." Don't get me wrong, I love sesame chicken. I really do. And it tasted great while I was eating it - especially at $1.25 a scoop. But this morning, I'm filled with deep regret. I could have done without it, and I wonder what kind of effect it really had on my weight this morning. Going up .4 isn't awful, but might I have gone DOWN .4 if I'd avoided the dinner? Is the .4 water from the sodium, or is it straight weight?

There are no right answers to those questions today, because I'll never know. I just need to shake the cobwebs out of my head, refocus, and make sure I'm back to eating clean today.

I also need to get my butt out of this house and get my body moving. Sparring, walking, jogging, climbing something...I need to move today. I haven't done any sort of "workout" since Saturday, and that's unacceptable. Maybe I'll hit the trails behind us this evening and do a little walk/jog. I gotta do something.

My unwritten goal was to get my average under 300 by the end of the week. I could still do it, but not by going the wrong direction with my weigh-ins for two straight days.

I just need to make sure I break through any potential mental block before it builds up enough to slow me down. I kind of feel like that's what I'm dealing with right now. Similar to that feeling of walking through deep, thick mud. You're moving, but as soon as you stop, your feet are pretty much locked in place. I feel like I'm in the mud right now, so it's more important than ever that I keep moving.

Back at it today, looking for a better number tomorrow...

Addiction Isn't Funny

Every year, millions of Americans have to face the frightening prospect of trying to beat an addiction. Drugs, alcohol, porn - you name it, and likely there are some well-meaning people who have a problem with it.

I used to think that addiction was just a way for weak people to excuse themselves from any personal responsibility. But then, I realized I had a problem, and I needed help.

My name is Kevin Antcliff, and I'm addicted to my scale.

I can't stop myself. I see it there, looking at me, and I have to step on it. Once in the morning just isn't enough for me, anymore. Five, six, even 10 times a day, I find myself stripping down, and looking into the face of obsession. It has a hold on me like nothing has before. Right now I can hear it. It's calling me. "Keeeeeviiiiiin! Come step on me, buddy! You might have lost two-tenths of a pound since you got up, right? Don't you wanna know? I know you do, Kevin. Come on, man. Just one time. Just step on me now, then you'll be able to make it through until tomorrow."

I try to ignore it, but I must step on it. It's right about one thing, I DO want to know what I weigh now. Yes, I weighed myself an hour ago, but I could have burned some calories off by changing diapers, right? I mean, I just want to have an accurate number. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm doing it for accuracy, not because I can't control myself. I can stop any time I want. It's not a problem...

I try to convince you, the readers, but I haven't even convinced myself.

I weighed in at 302.0 this morning, and I should be content with that. But here I am, fighting off the urge to go do it again.

I need help.

Ooohhhhh! Almost Had It!

My weight today: 301.4
My 5-Day: 303.16

I almost had it, man.

Still, I'm fine with a 301.4 - a new low for me. And my 5-Day has put me across the 43.5 pound-lost mark since November, meaning I'm now over half-way to my goal of 87 pounds.

Meanwhile, I hear that 299.9 has gone into hiding. It knows I'm getting close, so it's trying to avoid me at all costs. I have a team of search dogs on its trail, and an Indian tracker leading the search says it's only a matter of days until 299 is found and taken down.

So, 299, if you're reading this, and I know you are...

I'm coming for you.

Quickies...

Weighed in several times today out of boredom/obsession:

304.6, 304, 303, 302, 300.8, 301.8

I went for a long walk, and haven't eaten much out of nervousness about a potential job. That said, I'll be eating a nice, big, free Italian dinner tonight. So, that should make up for it, I'd say.

More on Monday.

Not at 100%

Weigh-in: 303.4
5-Day: 304.56

I've been feeling sick for about 36 hours or so, now. It's part cold, part flu, and it's teaming up with my shoulder to keep me pretty much activity-less. Obviously, lack of activity is uncool, especially when you're trying to lose weight.

I'm shaky as I type this, so I don't anticipate too awful much changing today, though I will try to clean the house again today. With two kids, even cleaning every 48 hours makes for a good workout. Toys everywhere, dishes, garbage - you name it.

Hopefully I'll feel better as the day goes along, and I can get out and walk or something tonight. Every little bit helps at ths point.

I've abandoned my hopes of hitting 299.9 by Sunday. Had I been in the 302's today, I might have thought it possible. But after going back up .4 from pounds yesterday, I don't see it happeneing. Still, I'm looking at an average weight of 304.56 sqaure in its face right now, and that is the lightest I've been since the winter of 2002. I have no complaints about that.

In the last 10 days, I've taken 2.8 pounds off of my average. My weigh-ins went from 308.6 11 days ago, to 303.4 today. That's 5.2 pounds in just over a week. I'm willing to bet that, had I not splurged so much over my anniversary weekend, I'd be flirting with that 299 today. Oh well, I'll get there soon enough.

Do You Know What Area Code I Live In?

Well, allow me to tell you...


Oddly, that is also the number that appeared on my scale - twice - this morning. I have no explanation of how that number got there, but I'm sure not upset about it.

Truth is, while I stayed under my 2400 for the day yesterday, I wasn't as active as I planned. I got sick after dinner, and my shoulder was killing me again. So the only activity I had yesterday was cleaning my apartment. Now, I did a lot of cleaning, and I was moving at a pretty good clip for 30-40 minutes...

But 304.8 to 303? I wasn't moving that much.

Still, it gives me hope that I might actually hit one 299.9 weigh-in over the next three days. It's not likely, but I'm gonna try to make it happen. I still don't feel good this morning, so my food intake shouldn't be a problem today. It might be tough to get to my 2400, actually.

Good things are happening for me, weight-wise. Now I just need to stay focused, work hard, and keep the train rolling.

Guys, I should have done this weeks ago. It feels good not to be the only person not losing weight, anymore!

EDIT: I used the potty (I have a 2-year-old), and weighed again. 302.4!

Flashback

The following is an excerpt from my first post here. I was reading old posts, and was amazed at how much has changed for me Thought people might enjoy taking a look.

I am 30 years old. I stand 6-8. I have a wonderful wife, and two gorgeous daughters. I am working as a sportswriter - my life's dream. I live in a great apartment - complete with vaulted ceilings and a fireplace! Honestly, I have a pretty decent life.

Now.

The truth is, it wasn't that way as recently as three months ago. Actually, pretty much my last five or six years have been borderline hell. My motto for most of that time? "It could always be worse." Unfortunately, whenever I said that to myself, things actually got worse. I won't go into graphic detail, but I will give you the Cliffs Notes version.

Over the course of four years, I lost three jobs, lost my grandmother, lost one of my best friends from high school, and watched my mom slowly die. My family spent time on welfare. We had catastrophic auto issues - $2,500 worth of repairs at a time. We were nearly evicted - twice. I helped start a magazine, gave up tome with my family, as well as turned down jobs that would help me care for them, and I ended up being forced out of my own creation.

Those four years could have been devastating for me, but luckily I had something to comfort me.

Food.

I never really knew it before all of this, but I am an emotional eater. Something bad happens? A box of Little Debbie's should do the trick. Have a good day? I'm gonna celebrate! Break out a box of Little Debbie's! I'd stop at McDonald's, and instead of having A burger and some fries, I'd have FOUR burgers and fries. Maybe toss a milkshake on, just for good measure. I'd order Chinese - a family-size meal - and clean the entire thing out in one sitting.

And the more I ate, the less energy I had. In 2001, I was playing basketball three times each week, lifting weights three times each week, and going for a quick one-mile run at least once each week. It's gotten so bad, that even remembering those times gets me winded.

In all seriousness, I lose my breath from tying my shoes. Shoot, I lose my breath from breathing. We live on the third floor, and after climbing them to come home, I'm so out of breath that you'd think I just ran a quick 5K. I chase my daughter around for 10 minutes, and I need a break. It's bad.

I'm scared to death for me and for my family. I'm 30 years old, and I'm an easy 100 pounds overweight. I have severe sleep apnea. I wake up choking two or three times each night. I get migraines weekly. I'm always tired. The way I'm going right now, my kids will be fatherless in ten years. My wife will be looking for a replacement. I don't want that to happen.

I'm AMAZED as I read through that. Especially that part in bold. That was all true. I didn't even remember that I used to get winded from bending over to tie my shoes. I'm ashamed of myself for ever getting that bad.

Now I spar for 30-40 minutes at a time. Then, I tickled my daughter, and I was sweating.

Now I sprint 100 yards, and I need to catch my breath. Then, I came up my front steps, and needed to lay down.

Still a long way to go, but looking back is a good thing to do now and then.

We Have a Visual...

Today's Weigh-In: 304.8
5-Day: 305.45

For the first time in years, I really believe I'm going to weigh less than 300 pounds, and soon. The 299 is in sight. It's sitting there on the horizon, and I'm slowly closing on it's position. Stupid thing has NO clue what's about to happen to it, either. Poor sap.

As you can see, I got my first sub-305 number on the scale this morning. And my average dropped to under 305.5. I weighed 308.6 nine days ago. That's almost four pounds in less than 10 days. Keeping in mind a less-than-perfect weekend of eating, and weather/health/time issues that have kept me from being as active as I'd like to be. Four pounds is pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. And I do.

I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things, no pun intended, with my sparring and push ups as soon as tonight. My shoulder feels good today, and it felt about 90% yesterday. And no sign of severe storms for the first day this week, so we'll try to get a 2-3 mile walk in, too.

I don't think it's too realistic, but I'm aiming to see ONE 299.9 on the scale by Sunday morning. Just one. It can shoot right back up to 302 the next day, but I want that 299 to know I'm coming for it. We'll worry about "taking the hill" by getting the average under 299 next week. I just want the 299 to be afraid. I want it to be very afraid.

And still, as amazing as it will be to win this battle, conquer the 300's, and pop 299 square in the jaw, I know it's a war. Still in my path is a 290, a 280, and a 270. Then, I go after 260. Still a long way to go, but I'm moving forward, slow and steady.

Steady As She Goes

Weighed in at 305.6 again today, which I'll take. Not a lot to say, so I thought I'd post some random pictures of me from 5 years ago.

Me at 270-ish

I think when I get to 290, I'm going to have a very similar build to the one I had when I was 270 before. I'm stronger now, my arms and chest are bigger - more muscle, in general. I feel like I look pretty similar to these pictures right now. That means my new 260 is gonna be hawt and sexy, baby. Maybe.

Another quickie here: From 4-14 to 5-11, I lost - wait for it - .06 pounds. Yes. POINT-ZERO-SIX POUNDS in one month. Six Hundredths of a Pound. That sucks. But, my measurements were crazy. I lost .5" in my neck, .7" in my chest, .5" in my waist, and a full inch in my thigh. Even though I didn't lose any weight, April was one of my most active months - walks, sprints, sparring, push ups, etc.

Yet more proof that you can't judge change based only on a scale's reading.

Keeping in mind I was also eating roughly 400 too many calories every day, meaning that my 2-3 cheat meals were likely putting weight on. Already I've lost almost three pounds this month, and that's with our not-so-healthy weekend. For the first time in several weeks, I feel confident about seeing a 299 on the scale soon.

My calories are riding steady. My diet is spot-on. And if we can avoid hail and tornadoes tonight, I'll be back out walking/jogging tonight. I feel good about things.

It's a Lifestyle

That's what we were reminded of upon arriving home and weighing in just to see how much damage we had done. I am 306.4 this morning, while my last weigh-in was 305.6. So, I put on .8 pounds in just over three days.

***EDIT***
After "using the bathroom", I weighed in at 305.8. So, I'll be going with that, thanks.
***Carry On***

We didn't eat great this weekend. We had probably three meals and two snacks that we SHOULD have done without, and that we regretted eating afterwards. Now, that's out of three days worth of meals, so it could have been lots worse. Still, we know, and will be the first to admit, that we enjoyed ourselves from a food standpoint a few times.

Now, the old Becky and Kevin used to go to a hotel, turn the TV on, grab some candy, some pop, some Little Debbie's, order a pizza, get some chocolate milk, and sit there for four hours watching TV and eating. Then we would have gotten up and driven to the store to get more food. And that isn't an exaggeration.

That's not us, anymore. We spent very minimal time in our room this weekend, and that time was either early in the morning, or right before bed. We got out and made some things happen this time.

The theater is roughly 1/3 of a mile from the hotel, so we walked over to get the tickets. Then we walked to Rock Bottom, where we had dinner. Then we walked back to the hotel, where we waited for the movie to get closer to its start time. Then we walked BACK to the theater. And, of course, we walked back to the hotel afterwards.

Saturday was better. We decided not to go spend $12 on 30 minutes of batting cage time, so we went for a walk around the lake next to the hotel. The entire trail was probably about 2.25 miles-ish. But half-way around the trail was a flight of roughly 110 steps. Beck took the lead and started running the suckers. I had a sore hip for some reason, so I decided I wasn't going to run, but on her fourth time up (when she ran up the hill next to the steps, as opposed to the steps), I said 'screw it', and I chased her up. Now, I hadn't run up a steep hill like that in years, so this was a challenge for me. And it hurt. But then, I decided I was going to run back down the stairs, too. I was sucking wind, and my hip stung a little, but I felt good, people.

Later that night, we decided we'd hit the pool.

Now, keep in mind, we haven't been to a pool in a good three years. If you're ashamed of your body, taking your clothes off and hitting the pool isn't a great place to be. But there we were, in the pool. I was shirtless (sorry for the mental image) and Beck was rocking the blue bathing suit from her before pics.

*** Rabbit Trail ***

Beck looked great in that suit. In her before pics, her fat sucks up all of the fabric, and it looks like she's wearing mini-Speedo's. But her new body, almost 40 pounds lighter, looked great in there. She should be very proud. And she flexed a few times, and she's getting buff, people.

*** Back to the Blog ***

So, we decided instead of floating around and relaxing, we'd actually work. So, we raced from one end of the pool to the other a few times. And we each sat on a life preserver while the other person pulled us around, running through the pool. We worked hard, then we played. In fact, I was a little sore under my arms and on the sides of my chest the next morning.

The moral of the story is this: We cheated on our diets a little, yes. But we didn't derail ourselves. Even on our "days off" during an anniversary getaway, we worked. I put almost a full pound back on. I know that isn't great. But the point here is that those few meals I cheated with this weekend were the exception.

Our active lifestyles are the rule.

More on Monday

Just got back, and had a BLAST. The hotel was incredible, and we had an amazing weekend.

Quickly:

1. Didn't eat great, but didn't eat awful.
2. Walked 2+ miles twice, walked everywhere we went, actually, ran stairs, went swimming for excercise - not for fun (though it was fun).
3. Weighed in when we got home, less than an hour after a big brunch. Weighed 305.8.
4. Very happy.

Talk to you all tomorrow!

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Well, today is my (and Beck's, of course) 5th Anniversary.

It's been an awful, stressful, nightmare-ish five years.

Not because of Becky, mind you.

No, in fact, she (and the girls) is the only reason I made it through all of the crap we've had to endure over the last few years. So, thank you, Beck. I LITERALLY could not have made it without you.

To celebrate our Anniversary, Beck and I are ditching the kids until Sunday morning, and we'll be going to the Westin near Boulder. We're going to see a movie. We're going to eat at The Rock Bottom Brewery. We're going to hit the batting cages. We're going to spar in our hotel room. We're going to SLEEP IN. Should be a fun 2 days.

On the weight-loss side of things, I am oh so back on track. I (without really trying) stayed around 1,900 calories yesterday, plus Beck and I sparred for an hour last night. The result was my 5th day in a row of steady weight loss, and my second-lowest weigh-in to date - 305.6. My average is back in the 306's, after three weeks of being as high as 309+.

As much as I might like to say "it's a special occasion, let's eat anything we want, no matter how bad it is!", I'll actually be saying "it's a special occasion, that turkey burger on wheat looks good." Truth is? I'm fine with that. Just because we have a built-in excuse to eat like crap doesn't mean we HAVE to. Might we cheat a little bit? Sure. But we're not going to derail our efforts because it's our anniversary. Instead, we keep the health train rolling, and we ensure that we have several more anniversaries than we would have had if we didn't make these changes.

So, we'll talk to you guys on Monday. Have a great weekend.

Read the Labels, You Idiot!

So, I'd been doing REALLY well with keeping my calories in the 2,400 range. I was under by about 150 two days in a row, so I purposely went over by about 150 to try to even things out. I've been counting calories like the Cookie Monster counts ... everything.

So, last night I made us some homemade pizza on a fat-free, cholesterol-free crust. Being the moron that I am (and I really do know better), I allowed myself to believe that fat-free and cholesterol-free equaled "low calorie".

As Beck and I sat down to add everything up, we realized that the pizza was roughly 210 calories per slice. A pizza much smaller than anything we'd get from Domino's had pretty much the exact same amount of calories.

Moral of the story, I went about 550 calories over my 2,400 yesterday, and Beck went about 900 over her 1,600.

Even now, I'm trying to figure out how a Domino's pizza on regular crust, with sausage, can give me the exact same amount of calories that a "healthy" crust, with Canadian bacon, can give me. Doesn't make much sense, but I learn, and I adapt.

On another note, I may finally be seeing the steady weight drop that I saw several weeks ago. I don't need to lose a pound a day to be happy (though I WOULD be happy), I just need to see that number on my 5-Day be consistently smaller. I was 308 and change on the scale a week ago, and I'm 306.2 on the scale today - it's a 2+ pound loss in the last week. After being stuck here for so long, I can deal with that.

Carrying on...